‘Do I start at the end or do I end at the start? In this little bit of time will I get very far? Thinking maybe it’s me. Yes I do have places to be, and I’ll be there.’ – Rizzle Kicks.
I’m an awkward person. I mean, I never know what to say to people when I meet them for the first time. I’m awful when it comes to social situations full stop, really, which is probably why I’m thinking of doing one of the worst things to do at a time like this.
Awkward silences have a way of driving me crazy. They make me do stupid things just to avoid them. My first attempt at blocking out the fact that Ms Pope hasn’t said anything for the last two and a half minutes, is to pick the remaining fragments of blue nail varnish from my fingertips, but now that it all lays abandoned on the hardwood floor, I have nothing left to distract me from the fact that neither of us has anything to say. Anything to say that hasn’t already been said by the deep frown and disapproving tut that she’d given me when I’d entered her office over ten minutes ago. Well, I say office, but really it’s just the spare room at the back of the store I’ve been working in, or not working as it seems, for the past four months. The desk that separates us is just a coffee table stacked with various papers and empty coffee mugs. One of which, the purple one with multiple chips around the edges, is mine. I’d downed its contents thirty seconds into this ‘meeting’ before I’d realised how long this was actually going to take.
I mean, really. How long does it take to say ‘you’re fired’?
Ms Pope shifts in her chair and I find my eyes drawn away from the water stain on the ceiling and onto the very unflattering blouse that she’s wearing. It’s all ruffles and prints and it makes my eyes hurt just to look at it. She’s got her lips pursed and her eyebrows are knitted together. Deciding that she still isn’t going to speak, I return my gaze to the ceiling. Half way there, I get distracted by a movie poster, one I don’t seem to have noticed before, and my stomach twists at the sight of it. Luckily, this is when Ms Pope decides to speak, saving me from one of my episodes; it so would have only made her want to fire me more.
“Sadie.” My name sounds weird when she says it in her Scottish accent, but I don’t tell her how much it’s annoyed me for the past sixteen and a half weeks. She could say it over and over while doing a jig. Not that I want to watch her dance. I’m just glad she’s talking. The worst thing ever that I was thinking of doing – diving across the room and out of the window. Totally stoked I don’t have to do that.
“Pamela.” I’ve never called her by her first name before but, seeing as I’m most probably not her employee anymore, I don’t see the need to address her properly.
Her face screws up in distaste when I speak, like my breath smells rancid and by talking I’ve let out the stink. I clamp my mouth shut.
“I trust you know why I’ve called you into my office.”
I nod so I don’t have to speak but really, I don’t have a clue why. Okay, maybe I have an inkling.
She goes on with the niceties for a short while, saying how she’s got no other options left and I’ve really left her with no choice, before she leans forward, giving me an eyeful of her cleavage, and I know the time has come.
Authors note - Okay. So this is only the very start of the first chapter. It's only the first scene. I'm not looking for a huge critique when it comes to grammar and stuff, but I'd like to know if you'd read on. I know I haven't given you much to go on, but for me, if I'm not caught by the end of the first page, I can be tempted to give up on a book. The main character is going to be a lot different from the main characters in my other novels, so this feels different to me when I write it. And this is my first novel written in present tense, so I keep making mistakes, so sorry if I've made any, tense wise. Sorry for rambling, but I'd really love your opinions. Thanks for reading.
Oh, and the song quote at the start is going to be a theme throughout. Each chapter is going to be headed by a song quote that will set the scene for the chapter, if that makes sense?
I'll go now.
xDudettex
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140,115 Literary Works • 673,019 Reviews
I don't really have much to actually legitly review on, mainly because there isn't much I would change about this! It's very good, in my opinion. I like the depth of character you gave Sadie, and the sense of wit/humor you portray of her when she says she'd rather not jump out the window.
I love the little tick you gave her. The social awkwardness, the hate of awkward silences, the need to be doing something all the time, etc. I can relate to that, except it seems that Sadie has it on a bit more of an...insane level than I. xD
Anyway, great start! I would(and will) read on after reading just this little excerpt.
I'll read on to part two of Chapter One, and If I learn a little bit more about where the plot is going and feel curious to read on after that, I will. The only problem with this particular section for me is that I have no idea what the point of this novel is, what the point is going to be, and so on. What I'd like to see if all of chapter one in one section, that way I can just read through the whole thing and leave one review per chapter. That's just my opinion. It was written well, and I like your voice.
Hey Dudette! Okay, so I know you have a lot of reviews on this piece but I want to start reviewing the whole novel, and the start seems a good place to... start. xD
My inner fashionista is screaming at me to say, more than one print? But I love this description anyway.
Alright, so this is a super-short snippet and I'm afraid that as it is I really don't have that much to say about it. I like it, that's why! I already get a feeling for Sadie as a character, and your descriptions are delicious. So lovely job.
A couple of things:
-I'd introduce the actual scene a little sooner, rather than Sadie's monologue. The best way to start a story is always with active storytelling.
-I'd like a little more insight into why Sadie's being fired- or even the type of store it is. Just a little extra background on, well, anything. What age Sadie is, if she's supposed to have been working full-time, that sort of thing. It's annoying me that, while this is a delight to read, we haven't gotten very far in the story, just a bite of dialogue and some deadened nail polish.
Overall, I think what's getting at me most is that this is far from immediate. Which is fine! But for the beginning of a story it just isn't the best way to be. I'd try putting the plot first here, because that's what readers have come for, characters, descriptions, wording, they all come after the story, really. They're all important, and I loved reading this, but I'm just conscious that it's not a particularly strong beginning. Possibly just because it's so short and I haven't read the rest of the chapter. So I'm prepared to be proved wrong. And then I'm just rambling, so ignore me.
So really, I loved it! Going to go on and read the next part!
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
Dudette!
Somewhere I found a link to this and couldn't stop myself from reviewing. I haven't reviewed for you before so I can't wait to see what you have to offer me.
My first attempt at blocking out the fact that Ms Pope hasn’t said anything for the last two and a half minutes, is to pick the remaining fragments of blue nail varnish from my fingertips, but now that it all lays abandoned on the hardwood floor, I have nothing left to distract me from the fact that neither of us has anything to say.
Instead of 'pick' couldn't you try out something else? Like, scratch? I know-weird suggestion. But pick isn't really setting in.
I'll start of by saying that I really like the idea of starting each chapter with lines from a song. Even I had thought of this idea but it didn't work out-not because the idea's back but because I gave up writing that story, lol-so I am really excited to see what you do with it. Recently, I started my work on a novel and decided to name each chapter with a song from Linkin Park since the themes matched. But then I thought maybe I shouldn't limit the list only to LP songs and maybe try out other artists as well. So, my point is that this is an amazing idea and there would be many readers who would like such quotes. I'd just like you to even mention the song along with the artist. Then the readers could connect even more. But then, it's your novel, your wish.
This was short, as you already know, so I don't have much to comment about. Seeing that it's just a snippet I can't also judge the story or your writing or how the flow's coming out. With all that said, I think my review's not going to help you much and might not even qualify to be called a 'review'. lol.
So, I have to review, right? I am gonna do that.
Alright, I love your writing. It's simple, personal and funny. You didn't make it flowery or load it with heavy words which is actually a relief. I loved the way you described the situation and as Evelyn said I liked how you showed her boredom. More than that the main reason I'll come back to read more of it is that you've left us at sort of a cliffhanger. I am itching to know if she would get fired and what would then happen with her life. More than that, I'd like to know what kind of story this is going to be since I can't read the genre on this new YWS by clicking on a link directly. So, there are loads of surprises for me.
There's just this one problem with your writing and that's regarding commas. I found that you use them a lot and sometimes when they are not even required. That was a distraction. You know I've seen many writers who don't use commas where it's required and that affects the reading pace, but on the other hand using them too frequently and without any need is also a distraction and disrupts the reading pace. So, I'll just advice you to be more careful with them from next time.
I'm looking forward to read more of it, and I swear I'll come back to review ASAP.
Goodbye and keep writing,
Mia
Dudette, I'm here to review.
I apologize for my tardiness but if you have any complaints, I suggest you take them to Skins because I had to review her chapter first before I got yours done. Since this is more like a 'teaser' my review is going to be a moldy banana in comparison to anything else.
I do find your protagonist interesting and I like how you prolonged the scene to give the appearance of exactly how long just two and a half minutes were taking for Saddie to get over this. One thing that did stand out for me was the beginning of her personality in contrast to her personality half-way through. To begin with, she seemed like one of those introverted people who have difficulty opening up even within themselves and the sentence about her wanted to jump out the window and talk about Scottish jigs turned me over 180 degrees and gave her a certain spark. Now, since this is merely a teaser, I won't really judge her character and I'll keep my mind open since well, a sentences isn't going to give me answers to everything - she does seem eccentric.
I don't know why but I hope she doesn't get fired, I want both of these women to be at each others throats for most of the novel, I think that might be funny, lol.
Overall, I don't have much to say but I do see a chapter one part two on the right and I will read it. ^^
-Pink
I would read on, I like the way you've made the character do things like pick her nail polish off and observe her surroundings rather than just saying 'I'm bored'
and how you've created the character of Pamela through Sadie's observations. I want to see if she actually does get fired
Yoooooooooooooooo! (Don't judge me)
As promised, here I am. Now that my little ol' brain has had some rest, with any luck, I'll be able to give you a decent review on this. You know what I'm like with my rambling and non making sense...ing (err, see), so if I say anything here that you don't really understand, you know where to find me to ask me what the frig I'm on about.
So I'm not totally in love with this opening then (please not the sarcasm). Instantly, us readers get a brilliant feel of the MC's personality. The first few sentences set up her interesting personality and then the last sentence comes aaaaand bam! We get the hook. *applauds*
Overall
So I'm rather bad at reviewing short things, so I apologise in advance if this review just ends up being rather useless. Nonetheless, I'll try my best to be as useful as I can because if I'm not at least a tiny bit helpful, I'll punch my own face in annoyance. Also, you did ask me to be honest so if I come across as harsh or whatever, please know that it's not because this is horrible and I hate it because I don't. In fact, I'm really rather fond of it. :3
I thought this was a great read overall. I have to say that what I love the most about it has to be Sadie's character. She's really fun, a little quirky and has a really amusing thought process. I adore how we instantly got a feel of her character in the opening chapter too because that was great in terms of drawing me in. Ms Pope also seems like an amusing character, and I really liked the contrast between her and Sadie, so kudos to you in terms of character.
M'kay, so critiques and all that. Hm. All I can really think of is that although I like the way you portray it, the whole MC getting sacked thing isn't uber exciting and interesting. Saying that, this might just be me being biased because I'm an adrenaline junkie who likes it when an opening chapter kicks in with action of some kind. Before you go into panic, I'm not saying you should scrap the whole scene and start it differently because for one, it's probably important and relevant to the rest of the novel, and secondly, that would just be cruel.
I suppose what it is that's watering down the excitement is that we more or less know from the start that Sadie's going to be sacked. There's no real mystery or suspense about it, and so there's nothing in terms of plot that's keeping us hooked... Does that make any sense? I'm tempted to suggest that you actually make it so that Sadie thinks she's getting a promotion because that would be rather hilarious considering it's the complete opposite. The problem with that could be that it just doesn't suit Sadie's character, or it doesn't fit with the rest of the story, or well, it's just not how it happened.
I feel really useless here because I really can't think of anything else to say. I had to squeeze that last critique out of me, and it's rather pathetic too really because it just comes from the adrenaline junkie side of me. I guess what I'm trying to say is that please take everything I say with a pinch of salt. To be honest, I don't really have another critique, although I do have a suggestion about something. Judging by the title of this thread, this novel's currently untitled, right? I think you should come up with a makeshift title for now. I feel you, I honestly do, because I can't come up with titles to save my life. At all. When it comes to YWS though, it's always best to post your work with a title than as just 'untitled' for a few reasons.
Firstly, 'untitled' isn't great at drawing new readers in. Even an awful title *cough* Stop and Stare *cough* is better at attracting readers than simply 'untitled'. Secondly, it's easier for readers to identify and search for a novel that's not called 'untitled'. Think about it: it's so much easier to find a novel that's called My Cat Ate My Face than 'untitled' because a lot of people call their work 'untitled' when they can't figure out a proper name. Most of all though, readers just get attached so much more easily when the novel has a name. It's like characters. If a character's unnamed, the reader finds it far more difficult to get attached to them compared to a character with a name.
I'm being all unhelpful and rambly now, so I'll shut up. I hope I've sort of, maybe, probably not, but oh well, helped you out in some way here. Overall, I really did enjoy this and I can't wait for you to post more. Like, srsly. And like I said before, please take everything I've said with a pinch of salt, and if you have any questions or anything, just let me know.
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins