z

Young Writers Society


12+

Nickels, pennies, and dimes only

by writer1204


     He watched the sun shy away behind the tall buildings. Soon enough, there was no trace of it other than the redness on his skin and an orange-y color that spread over Maine’s sky. Must’ve been around five o’clock already, but he couldn’t check since the old, trusty watch would live forever pointing at three fifty four.

     He kept on wearing it for the emotional value.

     Perhaps one day—which was fifteen dollars away—the silver arrows would wake up and continue their never-ending cycle, but for now they remained as still as the iron gates holding his back. Anita would often comment about it, tell him that maybe if he saved half of the week’s profit for a while, the watch would be working just fine by the next month, but he never stressed about it.

     He found no hurry to make time pass faster. After all, he’d lost track of it a while ago. The sky became his only way of knowing how close the Earth was to completing yet another turn on its own axis, and he didn’t complain. He’d always been a fan of staring at that vast blue for hours.

     She must’ve caught him glaring at the peach-colored clouds’ reflection on his watch, because soon her words echoed from a couple of feet away. “You still thinking about fixing that old thing, Rick?” Anita used to have the plumiest, sweetest voice he had ever heard before, but it was now replaced by a much gravelly one. All those years of smoking were catching up.

     Rick gave her a funny face, shrugging. “Keeps me from thinkin’ too much ‘bout you.”

     Her chapped lips held a wide smile for a second, and he tried his best to freeze the moment in his mind. He used to have a camera—not anymore—and boy, what he would give now to capture those pink cheeks, which were covered by a light sheen of dirt, and blazing, green eyes for all eternity in a single picture. One that he would frame and maybe, just maybe, if they lived under different circumstances, hang on their wall with a pretty frame boarding it.

     God, she used to be a mouth dropper at sixteen, everyone spoke about her, but even now, at thirty eight and under the deplorable conditions they faced daily, she still managed to catch a glance or two from hurried business men walking by. Though none of them looked at her the way Rick did. He’d loved her since day one.

     “You’re too much of a good thing for me, Rick Learman.”

     He scooted closer, eyeing the velvety box in front of him next to the Thank You sign. “You’re worth more than each nickel, penny, and dime in there. I’d rather see a pretty flower on your hand than fix this thing. There are more important things than stressing ‘bout time, y’know.”

     She tucked a loose, strawberry blonde curl behind her ear, and her smile widened. “I’ll tell you something. How about you keep those and I’ll get dinner for us tonight? Got enough for some of those fries and soda you won’t stop talking about.”

     He began to shake his head. “Anita—”

     “Don’t even.” She held her hand up, a mischievous grin pulling on the corners of her mouth as she got up from the old cardboard square. “You better start saving them to get yourself a new battery. How else am I gonna get you to notice me if you’re always staring down at it instead?” A warm, tingly sensation spread through him, and he wondered if that's what love really felt like. “Now come on, I really do expect the fries to be as good as you claim they are.


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9 Reviews


Points: 26
Reviews: 9

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Wed Aug 23, 2017 11:24 pm
RadicalCarrot says...



I really enjoyed this. While it was short, it seemed like a clip of something much bigger. Like a blip in these people's lives who had super deep character to them. Even though it was short it felt natural and I could feel that the stories of your characters was a deep an interesting one. The mood was set very well and I could really get a feel for the moment. Reading this really transported me to another place. The pacing was done well, it didn't feel too rushed, but it wasn't slow. While I agree that it would have been fun to see them go ti the diner and get to know Anita and Rick better, it was still a good length and I don't think it really lacked anything.

Keep up the great work!

- RC




User avatar
9 Reviews


Points: 26
Reviews: 9

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Wed Aug 23, 2017 11:24 pm
RadicalCarrot wrote a review...



I really enjoyed this. While it was short, it seemed like a clip of something much bigger. Like a blip in these people's lives who had super deep character to them. Even though it was short it felt natural and I could feel that the stories of your characters was a deep an interesting one. The mood was set very well and I could really get a feel for the moment. Reading this really transported me to another place. The pacing was done well, it didn't feel too rushed, but it wasn't slow. While I agree that it would have been fun to see them go ti the diner and get to know Anita and Rick better, it was still a good length and I don't think it really lacked anything.

Keep up the great work!

- RC




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Points: 29
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Tue Aug 22, 2017 3:54 pm
Mich4el wrote a review...



I have no issues with the length of the story, although it was nice and length would have been welcome.

He feels a certain responsibility for her, I think. She often speaks of fixing the watch and I suppose he should tell her it isn't so much about the money, but about the emotional significance. Unless it's really about the money and he's in some form of denial; except that, it's probable he doesn't want to discuss the significance. I don't know, considering he's conscious of their love, I don't also think he's wholly happy.
Okay. The story could have been longer. It was nice still.




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Mon Aug 21, 2017 12:43 pm
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Atticus wrote a review...



Hey there! MJ stopping by to catch up on some reviewing.

I didn't see a lot of grammar mistakes, so I'm just going to go into detail about some of the other things I noticed and two suggestions I have for you here.

Firstly, I think that you should have made this a little bit longer. It wasn't really a complete short story, since the plot was very minimal and didn't tell a complete story. I think that this had good potential as a beginning, but maybe if you described their visit to a local diner where they sit in an old, beat-down booth holding hands, it would have a more pronounced buildup, climax, and denouement. While you don't need to expand this into a full novel, a little bit more time to get to know the characters would help the reader connect and emphasize with each of them a little more.

Secondly, I feel like the way you talked about time made it seem like Rick never had any idea of what time it was, but from what I've heard, he has a job and lives in a small town where there would be clocks all over the place. I think if you acknowledged in the story that Rick still knew what time it was throughout the day, but maybe lost track of it when he was outside watching the sky because he didn't want to put a limit on how much time he could have to get lost in the blue oasis. Something like that would be better than just an abstract concept of Rick's watch being broken.

Thirdly, I didn't feel that the ending was as pronounced as you wanted it to be. From what I understood, Anita offered to buy him dinner tonight, but I failed to see how that connected to Rick's watch and the deeper significance of it. That could be because it ended fairly abruptly, but they were a couple, and therefore they would share all of their money. Anita gave two conflicting points here-- she wanted Rick to save up money to fix his watch, but also wanted to get nice food for him. That confused me, and while it might have just been a misread on my part, I couldn't find an explanation no matter how hard I tried.

Overall, this was a cute story that talked a lot about some important issues, like prioritizing money and time, both how precious it was and how much it changed somebody, or something, over time. I enjoyed the light romance between Rick and Anita, and I even felt that you might have turned it up a little bit to show the reader how dedicated, like if they didn't quite hold hands, but maybe touched each other lightly from time to time. Other than that, good job, and keep writing! If you have any questions, let me know, and I'll do my best to clear them up :)

Best wishes,
MJ





“Isn't it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?”
— L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables