Chased

by writer1204

Published February 2, 2016

12+

In Roughly Drafts

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    He’s getting closer and closer to me. I can feel him just a couple of feet behind. I can hear the distinctive echo from his hectic footsteps stomping against the marbled floor. They’re both a reminder of why I should increase my pass, but I’m so tired now.... It’s useless, he’ll get me. God, what have I gotten myself into?

     I should’ve listened to them; they warned me he would come for me. He knows when you’re at your weakest, chases you down, and shreds you into pieces. He breaks you.

     He’s going to break you if you don’t run faster. Run, run, run–I can’t, though. I’m so, so tired. What if I just rest for a second...? No! I snap myself out of the haze, trying my best to control the rate in which my heart is beating.

     That’s when I feel his hand grazing the fabric of the blouse I’m wearing in one of his attempts to get a hold of me, so I push myself harder. I know he’s fuming me with his stare, and I hear him grunt. “You can keep running,” he says under a growl, and I try to put more distance between us. “I’ll still catch you.”

     “I want to see you try,” I murmur, throwing my body against the cafeteria doors to my right in an attempt to catch him off guard, and I do. I hear the squealing of his rubber shoes coming to an abrupt stop back in the hallway, so I take more and more strength to reach the nearest exit. I know that if I cross the entire canteen, the main hall will come into sight, and if I run down all the way to its end, I’ll be able to get out.

     But thinking about it is the easy part, because I soon hear the metal doors opening again.

     “C’mon, Cassie!” He yells at me, though I block his words. “Even if you get away, I’ll still find you. I will always find you.”

     The tables and chairs look blurry through my peripheral vision, and I realize I’m running faster than ever. I just want to get out of here. I want to go home. Run, then! My thighs burn, my knees wobble, but I keep on pushing them. And that’s when I finally see it as I cross the other set of doors. It’s so beautiful.

      I read the glowing, neon green letters on the wall in the end of the hallway: Exit.

     My heartbeat spikes to the maximum rate, threatening to burst out of my chest in any second. Just this last effort, I encourage myself…but then I notice it. They aren’t there anymore. His footsteps behind me…. They are gone.

     I don’t want to look back. It feels like the dumbest thing to do and I am so close to the exit now…but I still do. He’s not there. Everything is stone silent. The aligned rows of lockers extend all the way back to where the canteen doors are, receiving only the slightest of lights from the few windows on the walls. It is as if time has…frozen.

     I hear something far away into the hallway, so, decided, I turn back around to finally reach the doors. The doors that’ll take me home. The doors that’ll lead me to my safe haven. But when I do turn on my heels, my eyes crash into those bottomless, glowing, blue eyes of his.

     How?! I yell in my mind, and even though I try to scream for real…nothing comes out. I’m paralyzed. He’s in front of me and I cannot do anything but feel my short breaths becoming shallow and insufficient when it comes to filling my lungs with the proper amount of air.

     Without warning, I feel his ice cold hands taking hold of me with a tight grip. I try to squeal or produce any sound that could remotely alert someone that I’m here…but it is useless. I can’t. “You looked back,” he says quietly, cocking his head to the side slightly, and I notice how my body melts into the floor, allowing him to crawl over me.

     All I can do is stare into his eyes….

     My vision blurs with tears, and they start streaming down uncontrollably. “Tell me that you want to forget about me…” he whispers into my ear. “Tell me and I’ll let you go.”

     But it is impossible. I cannot say anything. It feels as if someone poured cement into my throat and now I can’t even breathe properly. I just shake under his body, helpless to whatever he’ll do next.

     “Say my name, Cassie.” He demands in a sternly, low voice.

     I fight so hard this time, refusing to let myself fall into the hole in his eyes are. The tears burn, and it almost feels like I’m choking. I can’t breathe anymore, so the only thing I manage to spit is a shallow, “No.”

     The cement in my throat begins to take over the rest of my body, pinning me completely to the ground and causing the shaking to stop. Now, now I’m just choking. I’m choking, I cannot move…yet he only seems to get more amused about it. So he leans once again, obligating me to feel his frozen breath on my ear.

     “I’m The Past, Cassie…. And, God, have I missed you.”

     There’s no use on fighting anymore, watching as everything around me fades slowly into a pitch dark. And I know it. Now I know it.

     I belong to him.

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
anniegirl123
Review
anniegirl123 wrote a review Review · Feb 2, 2016

Hey there, Annie here for a review.

There were a few grammar issues, but not too many.
Where you wrote, "should increase my pass" I think you meant, "should increase my pace"

Where you wrote, "control the rate in which my heart is beating." really isn't much of an issue, just that when writing it is could to be concise and to only use as many words and necessary most of the time. For example, you could have phrased it, "control my heart rate"
There were a few more times where you could have been more concise, but this was the most noticeable one.

This sentence, "I know he’s fuming me with his stare." is a bit confusing because I don't exactly know what you mean by fuming. I feel like there is a better word for what you are trying to say, maybe burning, searing, etc.

Also, you use a lot of ellipses, but they're a little off. For example, you should use:
"now... but" instead of "now..but"
"has... frozen" instead of "has...frozen"
"real... nothing" instead of "real...nothing"
There should always be a space after the ellipses.

This line, "I notice how my body melts into the floor, allowing him to crawl over me." sounds like it would be a lot more urgent, but I don't really feel anything from it. Maybe add a little more fear, or surprise to it.

I found your word choice throughout the story a bit odd, but I think it still has to so with conciseness.

I think this story has quite a bit of potential, the idea is very good, it just needs a little work. Hope this helps. Keep writing! :D

Hahaha, yeah.... I'm guilty of writing it at midnight while I was half asleep. My apologies <3 Thanks for the feedback!

User avatar
Apricity
Review
Apricity wrote a review Review · Feb 2, 2016

Hey there, Hiraeth here for a review. Welcome to YWS, it's never too late to welcome someone. I like the idea here, it's interesting to personify the past as a male villain, I wonder why you chose the male villain. Maybe it's something that we have internalize overtime about creepy, male stalkers. Anyway, on with the review.

I noticed that you tend to use ellipses a lot, ellipses are those dotted things you've used throughout the piece. And they've been used incorrectly in some places, a reviewer once told me that when you used ellipses in a novel the amount of dots should always remain the same. In shot, an ellipsis is a set of three periods ( . . . ) indicating an omission. Each period should have a single space on either side, except when adjacent to a quotation mark, in which case there should be no space.

If we take an example like this from your piece.

“I’m The Past, Cassie…. And, God, have I missed you.”


You've used the ellipses there after Cassie like he trailed off but he had no reason to trail off. And there was nothing to omit, there are also cases like these throughout the piece that you can reread and fix. If you want, you can take a look at this article that goes more in-depth about the use of ellipses.

Now that's out of the way, I want to talk a bit about your character's interaction with The Past and the way you've portrayed him. It may just be me, but I felt that you can do better with how you've portrayed The Past. At first, I thought I was reading a story about your MC getting molested by a guy. >> There is nothing wrong with giving The Past a teenagey, dark personality but at the same time I also feel that we didn't get enough time to see him as a character before we're whisked away into the chase.

You've opened the chase, the climax and there is nothing wrong with that. But at the same time, we also need just a bit of introduction. I think we need to see more of both your MC and The Past when they're not running and dodging, it appears that your MC has eluded The Past before so what's their reaction when they see him again at sight? And is there a reason why The Past has caught up with your MC? It just seems sort of random if The Past suddenly decided to say, 'Hey, just gonna swallow you up. Bye!' On top of that I also have a bit trouble connecting with Cassie. At first she was terrified, but at the asme time she's also not very terrified when you throw in scenes like these

“I want to see you try,” I murmur,


if she was really that scared I think she'd be more intent on running for her life and maybe a way to outrun The Past rather than throwing those remarks. So right now her emotions are sort of all over the place and I don't really know what to feel for her. I think that part of the problem here is that, whilst your descriptions have no problem on the surface they feel a bit flat so you can try and add some emotions into them and bring them alive.

Let's do a short syntax analysis to show you what I mean.

I hear something far away into the hallway, so, decided, I turn back around to finally reach the doors. The doors that’ll take me home. The doors that’ll lead me to my safe haven. But when I do turn on my heels, my eyes crash into those bottomless, glowing, blue eyes of his.


You heard something far away into the hallway? That doesn't flow very well, maybe change it to you hear something far away from the hallway? And what's that something? Be specific here, you want to fill your reader's hearts with fear. Is that something loud, soft. As Chekhov once said, "don't tell me the moon is shining, show me the glint on broken glass.". You can also nix the so and decided because they do nothing here. If you wish to say determined, then use determined. Decided shouldn't be used on its own like that. There's a lot of talk on the doors, except I don't feel Cassie feeling very grateful because all three sentences mean the same thing. Here, you can afford to spend a little time letting us inside her head. Let her catch her breath, let her feel her blood roar in eardrums, let her how frantic her heart beats as it strives to survive just one more second. Let it sink it, let it grow before you turn her straight into The Past's embrace.

Regarding this embrace, it also feels cliche. It's the typical YA novel stunt, the MC is running away from said villain and thinks they're gotten away. But as they turn a corner or something, BANG! They either smash into his chest or his chests, I'm sure you can find something better than this.

And finally, the ending. It's a nice twist you have there, though I just feel that it seemed a bit rushed and somewhat anti-climatic. We've been waiting all that time, Cassie is running and everything and suddenly he catches her. She doesn't even put up a fight? Bargain for her life? Make furious demands as to why he chose to take her now? I'm also curious about the way he claimed her, did he kill her or was it some sort of suffocation. Why would the Past would her to say his name when he already knows he will claim her or vice versa? I guess their interaction at the end just sort of seems well, random to me? I feel that they're not asking the right questions and giving the right responses. I keep on thinking there is a reason behind why The Past is chasing Cassie but that has not been revealed.


However, this piece has potential. If you have any questions regarding this review or just about anything really, don't hesitate to ask me. I'm always happy to help.

-Hir

Image

Geez Louise, you took your time there! Hahaha, I'm sorry for the late reply, but I was kind of having issues with my technological devices.... You know, Apple and its funky chargers. Anyhow, thank you <3

User avatar
felistia
Review
felistia wrote a review Review · Feb 2, 2016

Hi writer1204, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day. :D

Story: The story you present here is really fast paced and very easy to get into. It was a good hook and an interesting plot for a short story. I kind of wish that there was more. I like that you made the villain have no name and that you kept him a mystery until near the end of the story. One thing that I didn't like is that you don't really ever give a good description of him. You point out some good threatening things about him, but I don't know what the whole picture looks like.

Characters: You introduce two characters in this story the villain known as the Past (clever idea by the way. :D) and Cassie. You made me feel Cassie's fear from the beginning and you managed to carry it through the whole story. Overall you portrayed the emotions of Cassie really well and it was very easy to connect to her character. Now as for the villain The Past, you really made him intimidating from you description of his cold eyes to your description of his voice. :D

Description: You had an okay amount of description for the setting, you could have given the setting a more chilling feel though, by adding in words and comparisons such as (dark as night) or (bone chilling). I did mention it above, but I'll just say it again. Please describe the villain a bit more. :D

Small problems: ( from his hectic footsteps stomping against the marbled floor) I don't feel like (hectic) is the right word, maybe (heavy).
(why I should increase my pass) I think you meant to say pace instead of pass.

Overall a great story and a fun read. I look forward to more of your stories. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night. :D

Your friend Felistia

Hi! <3 Thank you for the feedback. It is very appreciated. Yeah...I'm realizing it looks kinda bad. HAHAHAHA, but hey, I wrote it at midnight, I didn't really notice how bad it was. But I'll definitely go over it tomorrow and revise it with every correction. Thanks again! <3



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