Rotundra. Zaila knew it immediately. Her least favorite place to be. The planet froze her to the bone and not a single person liked her. The gears in one of her seven golden watches ground together echoing through the silent hallway. Yellow energy sparked from its glass face as the heat of exertion fizzled out in the cold air.
She stood in the middle of a candle lit hallway. Cold drafts snaked down her shirt. Her pajama shorts didn’t do much good in the way of warmth in the freezing corridor. Being transported here was like the world making a cruel joke about how she hated the cold.
Candles flickered along the stone walls. Zaila squinted to barely make out green strands of garland across the top of the hallway. Red poinsettias grew from the leaves. Actual real flowers. Not like earth’s fake plastic flowers and leaves.
Zaila listened carefully for any sounds of fear. The watches manifested on fear and somebody was terrified somewhere nearby. Zaila edged down the hallway her bare feet pitter pattering as she walked.
Silence rung like a bell through the never ending hallway. Nighttime made the building seem more relaxed to Zaila. The little flames sat fluttering on their wicks to guide her through the hall. A long quiet yawn escaped her. She rubbed the sleep from her eyes as she crept down the empty hallway. A small creaking sound made her ears prick. She tiptoed faster despite her drowsiness toward the noise.
A door sat wide open. A little head poked out looking down the hallway. She gripped a candle, her fingers trembling.
“Zaila?” the little girl whispered.
“Morissa?” Zaila asked. It was clear to Zaila where she had been called, now. She was in the hidden village Lorillia. In the king’s castle.
“I heard somebody screaming down there,” Morissa whimpered pointing deeper into the hallway.
Zaila’s eyes sparked with excitement. Someone down the hallway had called her. She took off at a stiff sprint down the hall. Her freezing legs ached as they pounded on the stone floor. Honestly, she wasn’t too worried to leave the poor caller for so long. There were always hundreds of guards in the castle.
“Stay there!” she called back at Morissa. The little Princess crossed her arms over her nightgown and snuffed out her candle.
Zaila ran until the glinting silver armor of guards gleamed off the hallway candles. They all stood rigid in the doorway of a bedroom swords drawn with white knuckles. A big room by the looks of the extravagant double oak doors.
“Move,” Zaila grunted to the guards, shoving them out of her way. The big men wouldn’t budge but Zaila refused to give up. Someone was in there that needed her help while these guards stood idly mumbling.
She pushed on their shoulders leaping to see. With a growl of frustration she ducked under them, crawling on hands and knees through their legs. The men cursed as she tripped through their legs. A giant boot slammed on her hand and leaned on it as the man attempted to see inside the room. Zaila howled and pulled as hard as she could to dislodge her digits. With a firm yank, she tumbled through the guards and into a gigantic bedroom. Slowly she got to her feet, rubbing her red hand. A beautiful bed sat next to the window looking out on a sleeping Rotundra. The king stood trembling with a tiny black ball in his hands. A dead body lay on the white tiled floor.
Chills ran up her spine. She was too late. Zaila had been too late to save the girl.
King Lucas stood up straight, hardening his face at the sight of Zaila. “Nobody called you, Time Keeper,” he snarled.
“She did,” Zaila snapped, pointing at the dead servant woman. “What did you do to her?”
“Nothing!” the king shouted, eyes wide. “I was getting ready for bed and she came in. She just plopped over dead.”
Zaila’s eyes narrowed as she bent down to examine the woman. The body was still warm. Zaila’s skin crawled as she stared. Her throat tightened as she gripped the woman’s wrist. No pulse.
Zaila’s gut screamed that the king lied. Although Zaila would’ve loved to declare the old man a liar right there, she couldn’t. That would be heresy in Rotundra, whether she lived on the planet or not. Heaven knows, she’d be thrown in prison that instant.
She peeled her eyes away from the pale face and stared up at the king. “What’s in your hands?” she asked. It seemed like a fair question.
Lucas eyed her offended. “It’s just a ball,” the king shook his head.
Zaila sighed. “Why do I find that difficult to believe?” she thought out loud. Zaila stared up at him an eyebrow raised. The king seemed more exhausted than usual, bags under his eyes. He stroked the black ball like a beloved cat. Zaila swore there was something new every time she came here.
He deliberately ignored her question. “Guards. Please take care of this poor woman. Somebody show the Time Keeper to her room,” the king ordered, turning his back and shuffling toward the bed. Zaila bit her tongue. He may like her less than a terminal disease but he was still human. A woman just died in front of his old eyes. Zaila decided to give the king some space.
“Yes sir,” the men all replied in unison, snapping to attention. No one made a move toward the servant. The guards shoved each other toward the body mumbling and cursing under their breath until it was decided. Four reluctant men took the limp woman, sneers under their helmets.
“This way, Miss Time Keeper,” a tall old man said directing her out the door. He reminded her of her uncle back on earth but Zaila didn’t want to go to her room just yet.
“I’m fine, thank you. I’m going to go see an old friend,” Zaila answered with a small bow to the man.
“Yes, ma’am,” he nodded with a smile as she left the room.
Morissa stood in the hallway behind all the guards. The Princess stared white faced as the men carried the dead body down the hallway.
“I told you to stay in your room,” Zaila folded her arms.
Morissa shrugged. “I wanted to see what happened,” the Princess whispered.
“Regret it now, don’t you?” Zaila mumbled. “Take me to your room. We need to talk.”
Morissa gave Zaila a sour look. “All business and no play?” the little girl snorted.
“Morissa,” Zaila put her head in her hands. She was an irritating eleven year old. If she wasn’t the Princess, Zaila would’ve ditched her a long time ago. Hopefully Morissa’s brothers wouldn’t turn out like her. The entire planet would be in serious trouble.
“Okay. Okay. Come on.” She turned around, yawning and began to meander back to her room. Zaila followed with a roll of her eyes.
The two lounged on Morissa’s fuzzy carpeted floor, wrapped in blankets, sipping hot chocolate. The servants had come in yawning and started a fire for them. The heat of the crackling flames lingered through the giant bedroom. Zaila shivered in her pajama shorts wishing for ventilated heating.
“And that’s why, I hate beef,” Morissa finished her story, folding her arms over her chest.
Zaila sighed. “So, basically the whole thirty minute lecture was to explain to me you don’t like eating cute animals?” She rolled her eyes.
“Mmhmm,” Morissa nodded. She stood up, blankets still wrapped tightly around her shoulders.
Zaila half-grinned, shaking her head. “You wouldn’t survive in Texas. We eat sausage for breakfast.”
Morissa stuck her tongue out and scrunched up her nose.
“So, you’ve seen your dad’s little toy, right?” Zaila started, taking a sip from the hot chocolate and swallowing a marshmallow. She wasn’t a fan of hot chocolate but the Rotundrans made it the best.
Morissa glanced back with a glare. Sighing, she plopped onto her plush bed. “I told you, he’s ‘the king’, not my dad. And, yes, I have seen it. Treats it better than he treats us,” she sneered. She sighed clunking her face into the folds of her purple pillow.
“Morissa,” Zaila started. “What is it?” she pressed.
The Princess looked up shaking her head and shrugging indifferently. “Maybe I just really don’t like the king and I wish I still lived in the village with my dad.”
“I meant what is the ball.”
After a long thoughtful pause, Morissa asked, “Can I braid your hair?”
“No,” Zaila scoffed. Morissa stuck out her lip and looked down at Zaila with big brown calf eyes. “Only if you tell me about the ball.” Zaila smirked. She had Morissa now.
“Fine,” the little Princess snickered.
Zaila stretched to her feet and placed her cup on Morissa’s wooden nightstand. She staggered to Morissa’s bed and climbed up next to the grinning Princess. It was always easier than Zaila thought to get Morissa to talk. Morissa couldn’t keep quiet to save her life.
Morissa, with a tired grin, sat behind Zaila yanking her pudgy fingers through the long blonde hair. She crawled from the bed and lumbered to her vanity pulling out a black brush and a shimmery dark purple ribbon. The girl knew this was the only time she had to make Zaila into a “proper lady” and she intended to do so. Flopping once again behind her, Morissa took the brush and ran it through the Time Keeper’s hair.
Zaila sat in anticipation as her hair was yanked through and untangled.
“Do you ever brush your hair?” Morissa mumbled as she pulled on the brush.
Zaila argued, “Do you take magical joy rides to different worlds every time somebody’s terrified?”
Morissa snorted, “You don’t have to wear the watches.”
Zaila groaned. “You know I have to,” she sighed.
After a small pause, Morissa asked, “So, the ball?”
Zaila gave a small nod. “First off, what is it?” she asked, wincing as Morissa pulled a knot from her hair.
“It’s a ball,” Morissa snorted. Zaila ignored the Princess’s faint level sarcasm.
Morissa smoothed out the brushed hair and began to separate it into three large chunks. Her hands worked so gently it sent chills down Zaila’s neck.
“Why is it so important to the king?” she asked.
Morissa hesitated. She folded the hair into a braid, flipping it from finger to finger and tightening it. “Well,” she whispered, “You know the war started six months ago-“she trailed off.
“What does this have to do with anything?” Zaila said in a small voice.
“The ball fell from the sky. Everyone thought the trolls were attacking. They can’t see us though because the Fairies put up a border that makes us invisible. The Fairies investigated the ball and decided it wasn’t really a threat.
“The king took the ball, and had the sages study it. They told us it was magic. I told the King that we should’ve given it back to the Fairies. Did he listen? No. Here we are now, a few people are dead. And now the lady today, who lived long enough to call you.”
“Wait,” Zaila interrupted. “They just died?”
“Yeah. I don’t think the king killed them though. They were just dead. No blood or anything like it,” the Princess tied the shimmery ribbon around the end of the braid, exhaling in satisfaction at her good work.
Zaila scowled. “Who do you think did it then?”
“I don’t know but it wasn’t the king.”
Zaila knew Morissa just took a big step. Defending her step-father was a rare occurrence for the little Princess. Question after question still reeled through Zaila’s brain as she turned around to sit facing Morissa. The little girl crawled under her covers and snuggled into her warm blankets.
“Zaila?” Morissa asked.
Zaila yawned. “Hm?”
“Your room is down the hall to the left a little way,” Morissa shut her eyes. “Breakfast is at eight o’clock.” Morissa’s nice way of telling her to leave. Zaila reluctantly got off the bed and stepped on the freezing floor. Goose bumps prickled every inch of her exposed skin as she tossed the blanket onto Morissa. “Zaila. One more thing,” Morissa called as Zaila walked to the door.
Zaila turned halfway and looked at the girl.
“I’m really glad you’re here.”
End of chapter
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139,270 Literary Works • 672,523 Reviews
Well, hey! It's review day so I picked your promising looking work to start.
First off, I love your dialogue between Zailia and Morissa. It's highly realistic and gives the work a nice feel to it. Almost as if witnessing the confrontation between the two ladies in person, so nice job on that.
Second, your use of metaphors is spot on. I liked how you incorporated personification in how you described the weather, the bitter coldness in the start. That was enough to get me hooked immediately.
However, there was one thing seeming to be lacking in my opinion, which was your general characterization. I'm assuming Zailia is the main protagonist here, but I seem to get more personality and traits from her co-character, Morissa. Which is fine and dandy because I'm quite fond of the Morissa you have portrayed here, but as far as I'm concerned I'd rather feel more for your main character rather than a side, ya know?
So as a wrap-up, you have a lot of talent and transitional skill. I'll see you in the next two parts!
Thank you very much!
I understand your characterization point and was afraid of that myself. How would you suggest I bring out more of Zaila's personality? I struggle with personifying the character when they're the POV.
Things as simple as reactionary traits would work. How she responds to her peers and the physical things she may do. I've read somewhere that things as simple as describing how a girl twirls her hair can show that she is very timid and shy. Of course, this is just an example, and you can do whatever you like to bring out Zailia's personality. Be creative with it!
Okay, thanks. I'll get to work on that!
Heya! It's Artemis28 here, and I want to review! Happy Review Day!
So, first, I wanna say how much I like the idea of this. Seven watches, and they transport you to different places? Cool! Maybe I would want to actually choose the places, but coolio anyway!
Now for the nitpicks. This is a fairly small one right here, but "candle lit" shouldn't have a space. It should be just "candlelit."
"She stood in the middle of a candle lit hallway."
In the third paragraph, your first line is "Candles flickered along the walls." Well, that seems kind of redundant, doesn't it? You already mention that the hallway has candles. So... you could take that away.
Another nitpick... there should be a comma after "hallway."
"Zaila edged down the hallway her bare feet pitter pattering as she walked."
Now, in the beginning, I notice a lot of your sentences are like, Here you go! Zaila did this. Then she went here. Then she did this. (Insert description line) And then... you get it right? I'm saying that you should either 1) connect a few sentences, or 2) try to show a little bit more and let go on the telling. What do I mean? Well, instead of saying, "It was warm," you could say, "The heat scorched my skin as I _______." See?
That was all I could fine! I enjoyed reading your chapter. The suspense is very cool, and the idea of the ball really got me going. I just might be reading some of your other chapters soon!
XOX,
Artemis28
Hey there, wridingislife! I saw chapter 4 of your story in the Green Room and I found the title to be very interesting, so I decided to start reading chapter one.
It was a very interesting read, my friend, I found myself imagining the world and getting involved in the events very easily, as though you were taking your readers there, so to speak and you have done a wonderful job at that.
Plot: It was very unique. I'm sure everyone has heard of time travelling or keeping before, but you used a watch which works by fear. It was very original and such a good idea, I just had to continue reading your story! You took your readers right into the action and the events that occurred in this chapter were unexpected and intriguing: a ball that somehow kills people? Interesting idea.
Pace: The pace of the story was very smooth and a little on the slow side, but that's not a problem at all as it was a very steady pace and one which I found easy to follow along with- great job!
Dialog: The dialog between the characters was quite intense to say the least, which made it an even more enjoyable read, for me personally, because I love intensity in stories. The conversation between Morissa and Zaila was very natural and you could easily tell that they had quite a close bond and that their friendship had grown over the years. They're almost like sisters, quite adorable!
Description: I loved the way you described the different elements and events in your story! It was very detailed and you took the time to describe things so that your readers could understand and envision what you were imagining inside your head. It was very well-written and I commend you that!
Characters: Although there was not much information given about Zaila as to where she came from, how old she was and why she has the golden watches, she came across as a very likeable character so far. She wasn't at all annoying or boring, she was quite real- well done!
Style: I liked your style of writing. The point of view that you had chosen was ver appropriate, considering you are indulging in a fantasy world where things need to be described from an outside point of view. The way you wrote and the flow between each word was very organised and smooth.
All in all, chapter one was an exceptional introduction to your story, plot, characters and the worlds in this fantasy adventure! I look forward to reading the next few chapters and the many more works you will publish as you have just earned yourself a follow!
MissLyricz xx
Thank you so much! This really means a lot to me.
You're welcome! xx
Hello wridingislife,
I liked this first chapter very much, your idea to make the watches work by fear is very original and impressive and the fact you present us with an unexplainable death by a mysterious ball is intriguing and keeps the reader's attention to the story. And as I told you before, mixing time travel with high fantasy gives the story that thrilling factor every story should have.
I said I would come and here I am!
On another note I have just two things to mention. The first one is about the first paragraph when you write 'The planet froze her to the bone and not a single person liked her.', I think the '...not a single person liked her' doesn't sound very well with the begining of the sentence, you could find another way to say the same thing that could work better, but it's just an opinion. The second thing is about the watches, I don't know if you wanted it that way but couldn't we have a little background on them (about what you told me)? And I think you could describe them just a little bit more or at least have a few more paragraphs about it since they play a major role in the story.
Very good start and keep writing! I'll go to the second chapter now ;D
(Sorry I posted twice but I forgot to use the first one as review so just ignore the other one ;D)
Hello wridingislife,
I liked this first chapter very much, your idea to make the watches work by fear is very original and impressive and the fact you present us with an unexplainable death by a mysterious ball is intriguing and keeps the reader's attention to the story. And as I told you before, mixing time travel with high fantasy gives the story that thrilling factor every story should have.
I said I would come and here I am!
On another note I have just two things to mention. The first one is about the first paragraph when you write 'The planet froze her to the bone and not a single person liked her.', I think the '...not a single person liked her' doesn't sound very well with the begining of the sentence, you could find another way to say the same thing that could work better, but it's just an opinion. The second thing is about the watches, I don't know if you wanted it that way but couldn't we have a little background on them (about what you told me)? And I think you could describe them just a little bit more or at least have a few more paragraphs about it since they play a major role in the story.
Very good start and keep writing! I'll go to the second chapter now ;D
Thank you very much! I thought that if I had described the watches more at that moment it would stiffen up the flow of the action. Where would you put the description?
Humm.... Maybe in the second paragraph when you mention being tranported and how the world played a joke on Zaila I think it would be nice to instead of the world put the blame on the watches and then talk a little about how exactly she is transported, I mean, something like how does she know she is being tranported, if there are any warnings by the watches and that by doing so she has no control over the watches. I don't know if I made myself understand, I hope I did.
Absolutely! I'll get to work on that.
Good luck then and I hope it works well.
What an interesting story idea! It'll be a little tough to implement because time travel stories can be hard to write, but this is a great start!
As always, if you have any questions about my review, feel free to ask!
So, I have some ideas and questions for you! Well... an idea and a bunch of questions for you, anyway...
- Zaila is from Texas! So, I think it might be cool to bring her perspective in there a little bit more, as a Texan. Right now, she could be from pretty much anywhere, save for the remark that she made to the princess.
- What do the guards do when they see Zaila try to get into the room? Do they know her? Or is she a stranger to them? That's not very clear.
- Why doesn't Zaila suspect that the king murdered the girl? If I were to see a king close to a dead body in a locked room, I would be immediately suspicious and not want to give the king any space at all.
- Who is the dead girl? Morissa doesn't really seem fazed at all by the girl's death, so I am assuming this isn't someone who is particularly important in the kingdom... Or, maybe they simply have a different perspective of death than us and death doesn't faze them?
Okay... that's enough for the first chapter. Onward to the second!
Hey, wridingislife!!
Ok. So I haven't read the other reviews, so I may rehash something on accident. I apologize in advance for this,
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I also love the title of this!
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Overall, this was great and I'm eagerly awaiting the next chapter!!
~Myth
Hello! I really enjoyed reading your story
Your imagery and descriptions were beautiful which made the story really come to life before my eyes. You also have a very distinct voice that worked really well with the tone you used for your story. I'm really loving the ideas that are developing throughout this chapter. I really hope you are in the process of writing some more, because you have got me hooked! I can't wait to learn more about the character Zaila. She seems very strong and capable. I'm excited to read about the challenges she will be experiencing/overcoming and think that this is going to evolve into a wonderful story. Overall I think you did an amazing job with the story!
Here are just a few minor pointers:
Shortly after the servant was killed the mood seemed to shift a bit too abruptly. Zaila and Morissa were enjoying a nice cup of hot chocolate right after the death of the servant. I'm not saying that you shouldn't shift the mood. I just think you need to make the shift a bit slower. This allows the reader to become better adjusted to the events that are taking place instead of being thrown into the situation.
It also seemed a little bit odd how Zaila easily allowed the king to avoid her questions about the black ball. She blamed the king for the death of the servant yet easily dismissed the situation. I think if the king was a bit more upset or unsettled it would make more sense for Zaila to accept the king's response, rather than him be completely unphased by the fact that a woman just dropped dead in front of him.
The last piece of advice I have for you, is to try and use less gerunds. I recently learned that to strengthen your writing its best to completely avoid using the -ing verbs. This is all a matter of opinion of course, but its definitely something to consider.
In conclusion, I am so glad to have read this! I don't think I am going to be able to get this story out of my mind. I can't wait to read more! It really was a job well done.
-PP
Thank you so much!! I can't wait to post more of it!
Hey there! TheFantasy14 here for a review! I loved your characters, they seem realistic, though I haven't had much time to really connect with any of them. I am excited to see how they develop over time. I think the character of morissa has a lot of potential and that if you work with her she could become a great character. Something tells me there's more to har than meets the eye. I do think your writing could flow a little better. There were some parts where I felt there should be a comma or a period and there wasn't, and for me that seemed to hinder the flow a little bit if that makes sense. Also, try and give some clue as to what Morissa looks like. I know about Zailia's appearance, but I have no idea what Morrissa looks like. Try and remember that the reader doesn't know as much about the story as you do. All in all, this was a great first chapter and I'm excited to read more
Loves!
TheFantasy14
Thank you so much! I will certainly work on these things.