z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Heartlines--Chapter 2

by wridingislife


Please read the first chapter first!

Maids

Zaila’s guest room sat so close to Morissa’s and yet, not close enough. She followed the Princess’s directions, speeding through the hallway on frozen toes. Why Rotundra? Why not some place warm? Zaila would take Death Valley over this place any day.

Rubbing her arms, she came to a door. Not as big as the others, or as important. “Probably mine,” she concluded. Just to be sure she thumbed her knuckles on the wood. A few seconds passed and nobody answered.

She knocked a little louder.

The door swung open and a dozen women stood on the other side. Some looked disappointed. Others gaped on in awe.

Zaila gave a wry grin. She pranced on her toes as she struggled to stay warm.

“Oh dear! You poor thing. Get inside,” the oldest of the women demanded, waving Zaila inside.

Zaila obeyed.

“Tabitha, get her some warm clothes. Jolie, get a fire started,” the older woman barked. “The rest of you, get out of the way.”

The women rushed about mumbling and grumbling under their breath, disappearing in groups through the servants’ door. The others did as they were told, Tabitha slipping outside to find clothes and Jolie sparking wood in the fireplace on the wall.

“Come here, Time Keeper,” the old woman said.

Zaila looked up. She strode to the woman, rubbing her legs together.

“Sit down. The fire will be blazing by the time Tabitha is back,” the woman said, pushing Zaila to the cool tiled floor in front of the little flame.

Zaila yawned rubbing her elbows. She looked up at the wooden mantel sitting on the wall over her head. The room smelled like a musty forest. Her bed beckoned behind her, asking her to lay down. Zaila wished she could lay in the growing flames.

The old woman settled a heavy fur blanket over Zaila’s shoulders. Zaila gave the servant a weary grin.

“I’m Daisy,” she said, whisking a strand of grey hair behind her ear and placing her hands on her round hips.

“You can call me Zaila,” she smiled.

Daisy chuckled. “I know who you are darling. Not many things escape the servants of the royal castle,” she said. A knock came on the door and Tabitha waltzed in, arms overflowing with clothes.

“That’s too much,” Jolie murmured by the fireplace mantel. The fire made her eyes dance with disapproval.

Tabitha laughed swaggering across the room and taking the clothes into the bathroom. “There is never such a thing as too many clothes,” she winked.

Even though Zaila stood with Jolie on the matter, she couldn’t help but want every last bit of clothing. She slowly got to her feet, holding the fur blanket around her like a taco.

“Here,” Tabitha handed her some soft pants. “Put those on.”

“Thank you,” Zaila grinned and disappeared into the bathroom. The cold tiled floors sent chills through the soles of her feet. Her teeth clacked as she changed her pants in the dark. They fit like yoga pants. Shoulders shaking, she came back into the room.

“So, when did you get here?” Tabitha asked, leaning against the night stand. The warm glow of the fire cast shadows across everyone’s faces.

“An hour or two ago,” Zaila yawned, crawling onto the bed.

Daisy laid a fluffy blanket over her. “Come on. Let the poor dear sleep,” she said, pinching Tabitha’s shoulder.

The two left, leaving Jolie to pick at the fire. She sat on the floor solemnly poking the crackling wood with a long iron rod. Her dark tangled hair lay over her shoulders like a waterfall.

“You can go,” Zaila said, grinning. Her eyes flickered to stay open.

Jolie glanced at the flames. “Alright. We’ll be back in the morning,” she whispered, bowed, and scampered through the servants’ door.

Zaila lay awake for a while. She may have been exhausted but that didn’t mean a thing when she lay somewhere other than her own bed. She had just seen a dead body. It had been her third and still it was three too many. She could only think of who would tell the woman’s family. If they even would.

Her toes curled up as she rolled into a ball. Her blankets tucked up to her chin. She had to sleep. She needed to be alive tomorrow. She needed to investigate. Investigate that ball.

Uncle Charlie knew Zaila was gone when a small breeze ruffled his grey hair as he lay in his bed. He still couldn’t resist the urge to go check. He rubbed his eyes and yawned. The moonlight filtered in through his drapes as he sat up. He wiggled his toes into his slippers and stood with a groan. His knees wobbled with age. The battle scar burnt like fire as he stretched his arms up. He could vividly remember the feeling of being shot in the ribs.

With fuzzy eyes, Charlie began his shuffle out of his room. He hated wearing the slippers that wouldn’t stay on his feet but the floor practically froze in the winter nights. He rubbed his arms feeling the wrinkly skin and cringing at the base of the stairs.

He let out a loud sigh and began his ascent to the top of the stairs. His bones creaked louder than the old stairs. He placed his hand on the banister but couldn’t grip it so early in the morning. What time was it, anyway?

The top of the stairs and take a right. The young Time Keeper’s room was straight down the little hallway. Charlie shuffled down the hallway, dragging his slippers along with his feet. He stopped at the door and took a deep breath. He knocked his knuckles against the wood and waited for a response.

His eyes drooped as he came to terms that she was gone. Only four days from Christmas too. Charlie turned the cool brass doorknob and swung the door open noiselessly. He gulped and poked his head into the room.

“Zaila?” he whispered.

As he suspected, her sheets were in a wreck but Zaila wasn’t there. Charlie let his head droop as he walked to her bed. With a long low sigh he sat down on the edge of her bed. “Like Grandfather like Granddaughter,” he mumbled. The original Time Keeper would’ve been proud to see Zaila missing. It always meant that she was working. Making another world a better place. It made Charlie a nervous wreck.

Charlie groaned as he rolled to lay in her bed. “I’m up here; may as well sleep up here,” he told himself. With a flick of his ankles, his slippers were gone and he was curled under the blankets that smelled so much like his not biological niece. Why did she always have to leave? Her Grandfather always left and now Zaila. Charlie yawned and fluttered his eyes closed.

Lord, please bring Zaila home safe, he prayed. And help me beat that old geezer, James, at Bingo tomorrow. Amen.


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47 Reviews


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Sun Nov 29, 2015 9:18 pm
SARAHJO wrote a review...



I'm back!

Okay, so second chapter flowed just a tad more roughly than the first. A bit choppy, I'd say, but the quality of the writing was still great.

Now one thing I'm having an issue with is your transitions (which I commented on the last review, saying they were awesome, though something must have happened along the way.) I'm getting more of you telling me all of Zailia's actions and reactions more than showing. This is a big nitpick for me as my English teacher always told us, "Show. Don't tell." And you really need to do that. Otherwise is just creates a boring and somewhat robotic atmosphere for your reader which is no bueno.

For example, "She did this. She did that. Her blank did this. Her blank did that." Now can you see where that would get a bit repetitive and bland? Make longer sentences, use other words in place of "then" and "now"

Gaaah, I hate reviews where there's more nitpicky content than "I love this!" content. You're still doing an amazing job with your plot and story line though so two thumbs up for you!






Thanks so much, again. You just seem to take my concerns right out of my mouth!



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Wed Nov 25, 2015 9:27 pm
cpedro wrote a review...



Hello again :D

So, I take back what I said in the last review about the background on the watches because you do mention here her Grandfather and how he was the first Time Keeper. To be truly honest I enjoyed the first chapter more because there was a lot going on and the intensity was higher. Having said that I definitly have to mention that Zaila's character develops a lot more here because now we don't see a calm and cool Zaila in the face of death but a humanized Zaila disturbed by death and even feeling sympathy towards the dead woman.

And uncle Charlie, I feel sorry for him because we can see how lonely he feels everytime his brother (Zaila's father is his brother right?) and his niece dissapear.

Keep writing and I'll see you in the next chapter :D






Actually, Uncle Charlie is her Grandfather's best friend. She just calls him that! We're not there yet but her Grandfather is gone(Not missing. Not dead.) and her parents were killed in a car accident quite a long time ago. This is how she came to be the Time Keeper instead of her mother. :)



cpedro says...


Ops! Me and wanting to know more... I'm making you spill the beans! But now that I know I'm even more intrigued with your story, I definitly want to read more! Good writing and looking forward for what comes next!





Hahaha! Thanks so much for your feedback.



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Sun Sep 27, 2015 7:05 am
Snoink wrote a review...



Amen indeed! ;) James needs to be beaten soundly!

Another interesting installment! I'm afraid that it doesn't do much, really, to advance the story, but it gives us some interesting background, such as Uncle Charlie (the non-biological uncle) and the maids.

First! A very quick, very fixable note. This was kind of an awkward transition...

Her toes curled up as she rolled into a ball. Her blankets tucked up to her chin. She had to sleep. She needed to be alive tomorrow. She needed to investigate. Investigate that ball.

Uncle Charlie knew Zaila was gone when a small breeze ruffled his grey hair as he lay in his bed. He still couldn’t resist the urge to go check. He rubbed his eyes and yawned. The moonlight filtered in through his drapes as he sat up. He wiggled his toes into his slippers and stood with a groan. His knees wobbled with age. The battle scar burnt like fire as he stretched his arms up. He could vividly remember the feeling of being shot in the ribs.


You might want to separate them more or put a divider there (like, ***, or whatever else you want) or something to indicate that they're two different bits.

On a more philosophical note, I kind of wonder whether you want Charlie's perspective at all. You can easily delve into Zaila's memories of how she became a Time Keeper, and I think it would be an interesting story to tell! Of course, if Charlie plays an integral role in the story and his perspective is need, it would be better to introduce his perspective now, at the beginning! So, this is your call... you know the story, not I. :)

Okay... more comments and questions! That are a bit more... uh... nit picky is probably the right way to put it.

- There are... a dozen women standing in the opposite side on her room, which is not as small or as important? That really doesn't make sense to me. Even when I was staying in Japan and had maid service every week, the housecleaning ladies were no more than four or five and they cleaned our entire apartment in about thirty minutes. And that was for an apartment. For a room? Too many maids would probably get in the way more.

- I would think that probably the first thing the maids would do when entering the room is lighting a fire. First, because it provides light and heat and the room is presumably cold. After all, cleaning up a room with chilled fingers isn't very fun, so the maids would probably do it first, if only to save themselves that discomfort.

- How does Tabitha know her clothing size? I mean, if she's giving her clothes that resemble yoga pants, which are tight and form fitting, they either have access to man-made synthetic fabrics, which isn't usually common in fantasy worlds, or she has an in depth knowledge of her size.

- Why doesn't she try to get information from the maids as to what that ball is? They probably know more about it than Morissa does. I'm sure they have rumors abounding, in fact, seeing as it's killed several people so far. And they would be probably willing to tell the Time Keeper, seeing as they seem to know her and they are excited to give her a warm welcome. Perhaps they know she is there to help and that's why they receive her so warmly. Of course, if they don't want to talk about it, that might make this scene slightly more interesting too... they might say things such as, "Oh, you're so tired! It's time to go to bed!" and she may be like, "Wait... can't you just answer that simple question first?" and they can ignore her. Anyway! By Zaila trying to get information from the maids, that solves several problems... it makes this chapter less like filler and it adds the intrigue.

- This may seem mean, BUT IT'S REALLY CREEPY THAT UNCLE CHARLIE SLEEPS IN ZAILA'S BED AND CONTEMPLATES THE SMELLS OF THE BLANKET. EW. EW. EW.

So... when's chapter three going to be posted? It is a pretty intriguing story! :D




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Sun Sep 27, 2015 6:54 am
ThePhoenix wrote a review...



HELLO THERE!
I still need a transition to the actual review...
Sorry if this is a little like Myth's review...
D:

Stuff

Spoiler! :
Maids


So um, why is the words "Maids" in bold? I get that this section contains and introduces us to the maids but is it necessary to put it in bold? Actually it doesn't have to be there at all. Unless you can explain it to me...

Investigate that ball.

Uncle Charlie knew Zaila was gone when a small breeze ruffled his grey hair


So um, this was a sudden change. You went from Zaila to Uncle Charlie really fast. It's a little confusing so maybe put a couple of asterisks to indicate that you're talking about something entirely different.


Plot
Spoiler! :
So, chapter two and I've already got an idea of the plot (that's a lot better than me), ok maybe I haven't completely grasped the plot but I feel like the ball is going to lead to something major. Maybe Zaila activates something in the ball or whatever.


Characters
Spoiler! :
So... Zaila. Interesting character. You've gotten your point about her hating the cold across well (kinda hammered it in but anyway). Although I'm still curious about her history and what exactly it is she does. Although her title is the "Time Keeper" we haven't really seen anything to do with time yet (I understand that this should've gone in the plot section) so uh, maybe include that sometime?

Now, I'm not quite sure of Charlie's importance to this story but I'm guessing that he helps somehow as it would be pretty pointless to talk about him otherwise. Maybe he's a gateway for us to learn about Zaila's past. You've already weaved that in with the grandfather. Though I'm curious, do Time Keeper's live longer than an average human and that's why only every grandchild becomes a Time Keeper? Or was he just commenting on their similar personalities?


Setting
Spoiler! :
Alright, so I don't have the best memory but from the inclusion of maids and princesses, I'm going to make the wild assumption that she's in a castle.
:D
You've obviously (yes, obviously) done a good job of showing us that she's sleeping in a castle without simply telling us (I'm not sure if you did so just work with me here).


And that's all I got!
I wanted to get this out of the Green Room so... yeah.
:D

Happy Writing!




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Tue Sep 22, 2015 1:23 am
ParanormalMyth wrote a review...



Hey!

I'm quite bad at opening sentences so...

#000000 "> The Review!


#004000 ">Plot

Spoiler! :
#004000 "> This chapter was another well written one! I particularly liked learning about Uncle Charlie. I'm still a bit curious as to why Zaila hates Rotundra so much, but you've definitely sprinkled hints throughout such as the cold. (You may have stated why she hates it before and I can't remember, if not keep on with these hints!) I thought it was really sweet when Charlie went upstairs and thought about Zaila; It was so sweet when he prayed at the end. (And I hope he beats James too! XD) I don't really have much else to say, because I really liked this.


#FF0000 ">Characters

Spoiler! :
#FF0000 "> You continue to develop your characters very well, so I don't realt need to dwell here. Great Job!


#800080 ">Other

Spoiler! :
#800080 "> N/A


#000080 ">Typos/Grammar/Odd Sentences

Spoiler! :
#000080 "> I don't think I noticed any!


Good job on another really good chapter!

~Myth






Thanks so much, Myth! It really means a lot to me.



Snoink says...


I could be wrong, but I thought that Zaila hated Rotundra so much because it was so cold. The Texans I know complain whenever the temperature drops below 50. :P




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