There it was
A flash
You called it an emotion
Screaming
I heard that, loud, there in my ears
Louder than you had ever cried
So loud,
and
I couldn't stand it
I was saying stop.
Stop the noise,
stop that
what I can't
control.
It hurts me,
Why must I live?
Was it by choice?
Just to hear all this noise
Noise I need to stop
that you said I could stop.
Noise I broke you for,
I broke you and your heart because of
The noise.
And I broke myself
and screamed
and cried
and couldn't stop.
And heard the noise.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I like the sudden impact of the subject. I think I would have
given the reader more details, but you surely got the point
across. I am big on fairly short poems, so for me, it's a plus.
I love the abruptness of the finale.
This has so much emotion pact into so little. Amazing. That is all I have to say.I love it.
First of all I will admit reviews are not my forte but I shall try me best!
A note about the choppy sentences especially the last part when it just keeps repeating the word and, maybe try to combine it and use commas or something of the like. Sorry if this sucked once again great work keep writing!
This is an amazing poem very emotional and fairly well written. But I suggest breaking it into stanza's for me it reads choppily which really kills it for me. A few grammatical errors here and there. I'm not going to nitpick though there are others that will do that for me
Reviewed by LOTDR
This really touches the emotional chord,I hope there are many layers to it.
office chairs
hey friend,
it is an amazing piece of poetry.
and emotional and heart warming poem. it clearly reflects the efforts you have put in it.
but i would just like to suggest you two things . which are:
first, you could have written in paragraphs to make the reader glued to the poem.
the second thing is, you could have effectively used a rhyme scheme , but again that does not matter much because the poems as such has been written wonderfully.
okay , thanks and keep it up!!!
regards,
penstrength.
I like this poem. Your lines where very heartfelt and communicated a lot. However I was rather unsure of the story or idea that you were trying to get across, specifically what was the noise that caused him to brake his lover/friend/family member's heart. Maybe if I read it some more I will see it. I found the last five lines especially riveting; "And I broke myself, and screamed, and cried, and couldn't stop. And hear the noise." The last line really stirs up emotion; I loved it! Keep on writing!