Yes, I know it is very short. Please tell me what you think anyways! Por favor!
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I stood in the middle of the cold, brick building lifeless. All of my limbs were numb, leaving me nothing. Literally, nothing inside of me. I distantly realized that I was crying. I could feel the warm tears falling down my pale skin. All I know is that one moment I was being cradled in my protector’s arms, then the next he is lying face down in his own pool of blood. I don’t know how or exactly why, but my father was killed and I plan on getting to the bottom of it.
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140,647 Literary Works • 673,580 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayy...well this is quite a short scene here, but a very powerful one nonetheless. I think you've done a really neat job of putting together this very punchy paragraph right here that really makes you sort of sit up and take notice. I think as far as prologues go, this is one of those few that happen to be super short and yet super effective at the same time.
Moving more onto the specifics of the scene here, I love where you start things off by putting the protagonist at what is clearly the aftermath of some big confrontation. I think that ends up making it much more powerful than if we were shown the confrontation itself and the way you describe this situation without going into that crucial detail until the last minute does a wonderful job of building up some good suspense and creating a neat bit of a cliffhanger there.
Overall, I think its quite a nicely constructed scene. It could potentially benefit from just a little bit of expanding to accommodate just a few more details, but honestly as it stands, it does its job well enough for me. I definitely now want to read more about this piece.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey Kate! Nice to finally see your story!
Okay! So the beginning of this story reminds me of my story. There are a couple of reasons why:
1) The protector is not explicitly named.
2) The death of the protector is bloody and gruesome.
3) The protagonist is surprised and alarmed by the death of this protector.
Here's the first three sentences of mine... I didn't include the entirety of it since it gets much more graphic than this, but still.
So that's what I did, lol. Obviously, I am not the best writer, here or elsewhere. That is simply what I did with a similar situation to your story. ^_^
Now, for your story... there is a lot of inherent conflict! So I would like you to start at that conflict. You start where she feels numb, but is that the real problem? The problem is that she's surrounded by the blood of her protector. Creepy? Yes. So start with that instead of her feeling numb and alone. Besides, we don't know who this protector is! And we need to know this. If he is a slime-goo alien that typically explodes all over people, this is a different vision than if there was an angel that has its blood coating you. So you need to be more specific when you say "protector." If it's human and she knows who he is, say his name! Also, we need to know what kind of situation she's going through. Is she in more danger? If she had a protector, that indicates that the death was intended for her, so we need to know more facts so we can understand the situation (and thus the character) better!
Anyway, hope that helps. And nice seeing your story!
you are right. it is too short. it was not enough to satisfy my curiosity. the post leaves alot of unanswered questions and that is a good thing. questions keep the reader interested. i always hated boring beginnings. keep up the good work and i expect to find more posted soon.
Hey there wonderingkate.
Lots have been said about this so I'm going to just add my 5 cents here.
What you have at the moment is pretty vanilla. Even though it's pretty short, it lacks specific detail to make this distinguishable. You said that the narrator's father is killed...but by what? Show that more. Was it from a spell? Was he stabbed? Was he shot? Where is this taking place? What was the weather like when this took place? Use more of the five senses to make this more realistic.
The ending's rather abrupt, because you haven't shown to the reader as to why the narrator plans to seek vengeance. That can be elaborated on.
Andy.
Hey, I'm Mia
Most of the main nitpicks have been pointed out above, so I'll just give you an overall critique.
I understood what you were trying to do, you were trying to show how lost the girl feels now her father is dead, and the shock she is feeling. However, I found it hard to concentrate on your prologue because of the few times you switched tenses (from past to present etc). In a piece as short as this, it is essential to make sure it flows perfectly. Remember, your prologue is the first thing your readers are going to be reading, and so could encourage (or discourage) them to continue with your story.
Once or twice I felt you were trying to impress by adding unnecessary words, yes it is good to use different vocabulary but you should be careful not to exagerate it.
Examples of this:
The world lifeless seems extra here, maybe you could try placing it in a different part of the sentence.
For example:
I stood lifelessly in the middle of the cold brick building.
Overall just keep up the good work and work on sentence structure and your tenses.
Feel free to PM me with any difficulties you may have.
xx Mia
This could and probably should be wrapped up into one sentence.
"Cradled" and "he is lying" are conflicting tenses in the same sentence, also the sentence seems to not be joined so well.
If she is numb all over, have her lying next to his body, or at least in a heap on the floor, I do not think she could remain standing in such a state, perhaps falling to the ground infront of him would be a better course.
Was a bit too short, even for a prologue. Keep trying and you will get it right.
'Lifeless' seems out of place there, I would say "I stood lifelessly in the middle of the cold, brick building"
In the middle of a building? You should say room, or something a little less generalized.
Ah! 'Know' is present tense, the verbs above are all past tense (stood, realized, etc.)
Let's put it this way.
In one moment I was cradled in my protector's arms...and then he was lying face-down in a pool of his own blood
Needless to say, you would word it differently, but that's how I'd repair the sentence.
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Plan is different from 'was killed' in the tense of the verb. You should say 'planned' to keep consistent.
All in all, it's okay, too short, yes, but it's a prologue. Furthermore, it's your prologue.
Keep writing!