I pushed my legs to go faster through the snow white forest. My heart was
pounding so loudly, I was sure they could hear it. My face stung as branches whipped my face and I hurtled over logs desperately trying to dodge their arrows. I feared they were closing what little space I had put between us. As I glanced behind me, I felt a searing pain shoot up my leg. I tumbled over, my head hitting a rock. Hot liquid was streaming from my mouth, staining the snow with red. The voices were yelling, and as if from a distance, I noticed I was screaming. Suddenly, the man I had told myself I would never see again, was standing in front of me with his sword pointed at my throat. I
tried to raise my hands to protect myself, but it was too late. Darkness consumed me.
“Hey, wake up.” Someone whispered, nudging my shoulder.
I carefully raised myself into a sitting position. My head was pounding, and my foot was still painfully burning. Besides the fact that I had a cut across my ankle from the fall in the forest, I was in relatively good condition.
The room around me was dark, and very cold. I narrowed my eyes, searching for the voice that had spoken to me.
“Is anyone there?” My voice was hoarse from the lack of use.
“Over here.” I followed the voice, and saw that it belonged to a young man. He was lying on his side, his hands locked behind him.
“Where am I?”
“In the dungeons of Water City.” His voice was bleak, containing no emotion.
“Who are you?” I asked, peering even closer at him.
“That doesn’t matter. What matters is that you get out of here.”
“What about you? What are they going to do to you?”
“That doesn’t matter. I know who you are.” He was leaning towards me too; I noticed we were inches away from each other. Habitually, I reached up to smooth down my hair. “No one cares what you look like, Stella.” I told myself.
“How?” I began, but stopped. How did he know who I was? I had made absolutely sure that no one would know my true identity.
“I am the son of Mallertach.”
“Who is that?”
“The captain of the Guard. Your father’s ‘right hand man’.” His face was barely visible, but I could make out his lips pulling up into a grin.
“Why would you be in here then? Does your father know? Does mine?”
“No. They can’t.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I didn’t think you would. I knew you were some air head. I’ll just finish the job myself.”
“Air head?” I repeated indignantly.
“Yeah. Now, please,shut up so I can think.”
“How dare you? I should call the-”
“What? The Guards?” His mocking laugh rang through the cold cell, leaving my ears whirling around his alluring voice.
End of chapter
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139,535 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
This interested me, but it didn't seem like a full chapter. I'd like to read more, please!!! Your characters need some work, as does your writing; yet some parts were really very good. So please continue with this!!! It sounds interesting.
Durrance
Nick-picks,
If the quote doesn't end with a comma it begins another sentence, so the next word needs to be capitalized.
Maybe reword this. Like, "He was lying on his side with his arms locked together behind him."
Needs to be a space after the second comma.
Even though fantasy isn't really my thing - I enjoyed this. There really weren't any mistakes that I could see, other then the ones I noted above of course. It's well written. Nice descriptions too but it needs more, tell me when you add a second part to this - I hope you're adding a second part to it atleast! If you do, PM me.
So, overall, it's an interesting story and I would want to read more. Keep writing!
Logan. xLogan's xTravagant Reviews.
Show me, don't tell me. This is a 1st person, you have more advantage showing what is happened to the character: do it!
I would suggest using darkness instead of blackness.
*Was she pretending to be asleep, or was she already up. You want to transition one paragraph to the next to make it more clear and smooth.
**A deep cut is a good thing? Consider revising and making the cut more like a scratch.
Again, show don't tell.
*I though voices were usually hoarse or scratchy without use. I'm not sure. Keep this if you want to, but maybe consider researching what happens from not using your voice.
Change it to what I have above and the sentence show flow more smoothly.
*Advoid using words over again.
I tore your story apart a paragraph at a time. I most found grammar, but a problem I see that you have is you tend to tell, but don't show. I know when I first seen this I did not understand it so I will give you examples using your own story.
To change this sentence so it shows and doesn't tell goes like this: My face stung as branches whipped across it as I hurtled over logs, and their arrows flew harmlessly into threes and the ground as I dodged them.
I hope this review helps you. If you need another review or want some advise just contact me through YWS PM.
Signed,
Lethero, The Alpha Male