Published October 21, 2009
**This is a revised addition of Tristan and Anna. There are three parts to this chapter. It's rated PG. Please critique as you feel necessary. Enjoy!**
Chapter One
It must have been a dream, I thought. Nothing could happen to her. She’s fine. But as my eyes unfogged themselves from their slumber, I realized I was in a cold, white room. I lifted my head up from the armchair’s side and saw that it wasn’t a dream. My Mom truly had been in a car crash. Her face was bruised and swollen. Tubes and needles were poked inside of her from every angle. Although the steady rising of her chest showed she was breathing, there were no signs of her waking up. This sudden realization hit me with a crushing force. I fell to my knees, hitting the concrete floor with a stinging pain as my hands flew down to catch myself. Tears streamed down my face, unable to stop. My whole body was burning, as though someone was throwing bleach all over me. I can’t take the thought of not having my mom. No, she will wake up.
“Mom. Wake up.” I pleaded. “W-wake u-up!”
But no matter what I said, she still laid silent, oblivious to my pleads. How could this happen? To her? To me? My mom had to wake up. There was no way I could possibly live without my best friend. My only friend. My knees shook as I tried to push myself up beside her. At the sight of her ashen face, my heart began to pound as though someone was squeezing the life out of me. I jumped when I heard the clasping of the hospital room door.
“Are you alright, sweetie?” a nurse asked, grabbing my arm to support me.
“N-no! My Mom is in a coma.” I wanted someone to help her. Cure her.
“All her vitals are good.” she tried to reassure me, but her face was creased with worry.
“When will she wake up?”
“It’s really unsure. Sorry, honey.”
“Does she have any other injuries?”
“She has a broken collar bone, and a fractured shin.” she whispered, getting a needle ready for another round of injections.
“Is there anything I can get you? Do you have someone here with you?”
“No thanks-s. I do, but I don’t know where he is.”
“Well, if your under the age of eighteen, you can’t stay here with no supervision.”
“Okay.” I said indignantly, and turned away from her grip.
“It’s just that we can’t have you here when your so young still.”
“I know. My Uncle brought me here. He’ll be back.”
“Okay.” she said, and left the room.
I gently slid my mom’s fading blond hair out of her closed eyes. I gazed into her injured, tired face, imagining her ocean colored eyes and her full lips opening to laugh, uncovering each laugh line. Tears were steadily falling down, dripping onto the white hospital blanket. “I love you.” I whispered, and kissed her cheek.
I sat there on the side of her bed for what seemed like hours. I ran the memory of last nights tragedy over and over again through my head. . .
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125,380 Literary Works • 672,931 Reviews
Thanks for the comments! To answer Merlin34's question, this will soon become a fantasy novel.
That was very good. I really could see right into your character's mind. You make good use of first person. The word usage is perfect for something from the mind of a teenage girl. Be sure to keep it that way - try not to use overly flowery language and words like "scintillating". The story as it is now makes me want to read more. I like that.
Unfortunately, you have a few issues with the prose. There are some
That bit sounds incredibly clunky. Just say "opened".
"were poked inside of her" doesn't sound right at all. Try "were sticking out of her" or something similar.
Clunky description. Try a simile, just make sure to avoid the cliche ones.
Two problems with this sentence.
1. I don't know when or where this is set, but a hospital probably wouldn't have a concrete floor. It would be tile.
2. "hands flew down to catch myself" doesn't really make much sense. I'm having trouble trying to visualize this.
You mean "bear the thought"?
The first dialogue box should have a comma at the end ("Mom. Wake up," I pleaded.). It happens a lot in this and should be fixed.
That was only the first and second paragraphs. Try to ferret out these overly clunky bits. If you have trouble, try reading it out loud or have a friend read it.
One more question. Why is this in fantasy fiction? Unless it's urban/crossover fantasy, it probably should go somewhere else.
Hey there! I'm Trish, and I'll be reviewing this piece today! So why don't we get started. Just beware that I'm a bit of a grammar freak, so there might be a lot of nit-picks. But here we go!
Nit-Picks
Should probably be 'lay'.
A bit confusing. Maybe try to find a different adjective.
Again, a different adjective would probably work better.
Your: Possessive use. Ex. This is your box.
You're: You are. Ex. You're all-right.
Make sure you don't get those mixed up. This should be 'you're'. Also, the 'still' at the end of the sentence is a bit unnecessary. It would work just as well without.
A bit of an awkward sentece. Maybe reword it a bit.
Wow, that was really good. Great job! Now I'll just talk a bit about the overall.
Overall
I really like this. It's almost as if we can see right into her mind, but there were a few thing I noticed that I'll just quickly talk about with you.
First, I noticed that there were some places where you had sentences starting with the same word as the last sentence did. Remember that it helps make your story more interesting, and sometimes even more descriptive if you remember to change the sentence starters each time. But just make sure you don't stress out over it too much. If you really can't think of anything else, just leave it and when you're revising/editing you might think of something.
There's really not much else I have to say though. Really good description, and I love how your dialogue is believable. It can get really distracting when dialogue isn't believable, but you did a really great job with yours!
So again, good job on this, and I'll keep a look out for the continuation! Good luck on your writing! I can't wait to read more! I hope to see you around the site sometime. Bye bye!
~ Trish