You weren’t perfect, nor was I
But we still could have made it
All you had to do was try.
I wanted to get to know you - again
It seemed so long ago when we were friends
Scarce happy memories you and I
Your death highlighted the worst of us
And so
Anger and grief supressed those scarce moments
You weren’t perfect, nor am I
But I will remember
All I have to do is try.
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140,360 Literary Works • 673,124 Reviews
Heya, Woeth! I did your other poem,"5," so I thought I might as well do this one as well!
Anyway, I'm not gonna be harsh! WAY to tired for that!
First off, I liked this poem to an extent. It was rather short, but it's your poem!
Secondly-The third line.. Bugs me."All you had to try," I think it might sound better as,"All you had to do was try," because it's a grammar error otherwise.
Thirdly- In parts it rhymed, and other parts it didn't. I mean, it was REALLY good, but I prefer a good rhyme scheme or no rhyming, not just mixing it in! But, that sounds more like personal preference!
And, another thing, is the flow. In the middle it... Shifts, I guess you could say. It's not a fast, short, flow, it's long and drawn out. I think a constant flow is better than a thrown together one, but again, that sounds more like a personal preference type deal if you know what I mean.
Anyway, I really did love this poem! It's good, and has a good meaning. The title, though bugs me and I don't see how it relates, is unique to this type of poem. The flow, that ONE grammar error, and the rhyming is all I found that bugged me. I MIGHT have missed something, but someone else probably picked up where I left off!
Anyway, I hope to see more of your work soon(As I said two days ago!)
Sincerely- MatthewAaron.
Thanks again for another review. I actually made a few grammatical errors most of which I think I've fixed. Posting my work at 5 in the morning probably wasn't the smartest thing. Majority of my poems don't have titles but this website requires a title so I've given all my works numbers instead. A lot of people have criticised me for not titling my poems but I don't like how a title shapes the poem so I won't use them unless I feel it's necessary. Thanks again I will take the rest of what you said on board x
Really like what you did with this piece, simple steps lead into a heavy subject matter and emotional bearing, keep up the good work!
Extremely personal, don't think so. I'm Tega by the way.
I think this poem was well written, in terms of structure and theme. But the punctuation and enjambment inclusion seems very wrong here, and a few grammar mishaps.
The first line is great, but It should sound better with "were not" instead of "weren't", but that is an opinion. Plus I think the "nor" should be replaced with neither. And a full stop (or something) ought to have separated the first line from the second. Next line cool, but a semi colon ( or something) should have separated it from the next line.
"All you had to was try" or "All you has to do was try", a typo error I think. I love the full stop there, it makes the reader want to pause and reflect, like King James version's 'selah'.
"I wanted to try to get to know you" that line seem disjointed, maybe "I wanted to know you" or "I tried to know you" should have been better. The you-again was a brilliant move, but another punctuation fault, it should be "...you- again" and a full stop or semi colon should have killed that line.
Like the previous line, "It seemed to long ago when we were friends" is disjointed, that line should be checked.
"Scarce happy memories"? Scarce and happy, please explain. Plus this line was short lived, incomplete think.
"And so" need a comma.
"Nor" or 'neither'? I choose 'neither'.
The last to line KO.
re-edit this piece and it's good to go.
Kindly be warned that the above words are my opinions, but not extremely personal. Thank you.
I'm slightly confused. "extremely personal, I don't think so." This poem is about my mothers suicide and our broken relationship how dare you say that my work is not personal. I'll take what you said about my line "I wanted to try to get to know you" on board as I agree. As for a lot of the rest I don't agree and I'm not going to explain because quite frankly you have pissed me off.
Nice piece. You can definitely feel the emotion behind it.
Like alexacode I would have liked to have seen a little bit more description. It's almost too vague for a reader to connect to & there doesn't seem to be any substantive descriptions in this, except for the part about death. I like how circular it is though.
In the third line I think you meant "All you had to do [was] try"
for the 4th line, I believe there should be spaces between the hyphen so that it's "you - again" rather than "you-again".
The rhyme scheme in this piece is a bit scattered, sometimes if you don't pick an actual consistent rhyming pattern it makes the piece read a little messy, so it's something to be careful about.
This poem portrays a lot of grief and regret, and sends a powerful message to readers. I would have liked to see some more specific details about the relationship (are they a couple?, family members?, acquaintances?), what type of person they were (what'd they look like, what was their personality?), and what was their death caused by (symbolic death, suicide, murder, illness?). It just leaves me a lot of questions that make it hard to see the story here.
Great piece and I hope you post more pieces in the future.
~alliyah
cool one
I absolutely love this and I love the feeling that is coming out of this. I would love for you to add some description to this piece and kind of draw the reader in with some of the words. You said most people wouldn't understand this piece so write it in a way they will.
Hey! Cello here!
Lovely poem! You had some great emotion and you put it beautifully into words.
Still, there are a few mistakes that need edited.
This doesn't make sense in it's context. I'm assuming you were looking for 'all you had to do was try'. Little mistake, but it's important to fix it.
'you-again'? '-' is used when you combine words to make another word that isn't technically a word. (That was a horrible description but...) There's no reason to make 'you' and 'again' into one thought. Just replace the '-' with a space and all will be good. Also, you should have a period at the end of this. Punctation is an authors choice (they can use it or leave it) but in the last lines you punctuated like you were typing normal sentences so you need to stay consistent.
Again, a period (or comma if you plan to connect it with your next sentence) is needed at the end of this line.
Where's your verb? You need a noun and a verb to make a sentence. You could argue that this was supposed to be connected to the next line but the next line is a different thought so you're still not making the cut. 'You and I had scarce happy memories'. See? Now we have a verb! Another thing... When you use the word 'scarce' it's not usually like this. From my experience, 'scarce' tends to follow a linking verb. 'The food is scarce'. Maybe try the word 'few'? 'few happy memories' sounds far better in my opinion. (Oh! One more comment! If you keep the sentence as it is, you need a comma before 'you and I')
Again, look over your punctation. Try to keep consistent. First mistake I noticed- 'Supressed' should be 'Suppressed'.
If you decide to change the earlier 'scarce' to 'few' I would do that here too.
This poem is in past tense. 'am' needs to be 'was'.
Keep up the good work!
-ChocolateCello
Woeth you have created something amazing here and I love it. You say in the description that no one would get this, but with your beautifully flowing words to me it becomes clear. Your work is sad and clear I love it. A poem is a amazing way too express ones feelings. I beg you with all my life please do not stop writing, writing poetry novels anything because from this single work you are a formidable writer and have just begun to let forth your full potential and when you do your work will be worshipped as an ultimate work of literature. Woeth I am sorry for your loss and good job.
jpwriter wow thank you so much for your kind words. I truly appreciate the support x