I devoted my life to you
When you’d barely give me a second glance
But now I’m done with this push and pull romance
You blew your final chance.
We were a regular occurrence
Same problems, new tears
I wonder how it lasted so many years
It's about time I explore new frontiers.
No one will ever love like I did
But now I’m saying goodbye
I refuse to try
This is the end of you and I.
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140,360 Literary Works • 673,124 Reviews
I did like this . BUT I still feel that a lot more can be felt by a person with the happenings as above. You can describe and beautify it more . This is all that can be said and I loved this poem because I can really feel it , but it is suppose to be written in such a way that even a person without such feelings should be able to feel it . So make it more descriptive AND IT IS WELL WRITTEN OTHERWISE .
woah! Really good! I love how you express rhythm and rhyme in it. It suits the poem really well! I can also see that you thought out this poem a lot before writing, and that's the key! Although some of it sounds a little cliche, i really like how you put the poem together.
All in all, I think this poem is great. Can't wait to hear more from you!
Decco
Hello! Waffle here for a quick review.
Soooooo, overall I give it 7/10. Really good rhythm and I love some good 'ol rhymes
As the previous reviewer mentioned, the line "I gave my all for you." is a bit too cliche.
Now, "My head, my heart, my volunteers" woah, where did this "volunteer" come from?
Unless you can explain to me what anyone would be volunteering for, then it's just so that it will rhyme and that is never a good idea.
Other thank that, great work!!!!!!!!! Keep writing, do your best,
Waffle~
Hey.
So this is a poem with a typical theme. Hmm... I'll rip it apart.
This is quite a cliche, telling line, and I think it's better to show it rather than to tell it. "I give up silver and golds for you" or "Every inch of my existence I give to you" can conjure up a bit of an imagery in the reader's mind, making the idea stronger and conveyed better.
I'm seeing this poem as a free-verse one, and therefore, would contain line breaks. Your first, second, and third line are line breaks that can be gathered into one sentence, but the fourth one ("You blew your final chance") breaks it literally. Inserting a "when" before you not only makes it connect to the previous line, but also creates an effective repetition with the second line that starts with "when".
Nothing's wrong here, just that this should be the first line for the second stanza. I can see you're having a problem to make stanzas. Just click SHIFT and ENTER at the same time whenever you want to get into a new line.
This is an odd word choice. "volunteers" doesn't have the connotation of someone willing to do something for their lover. It's more to the volunteers you see in some charity events. "willingness" is more fitting, and I suggest you to drop the rhyming. This is a poem with a heavy theme - rhyme makes it less serious.
See, this is a grammatically incorrect line makes to conform to the rhyming you've aimed to achieve. "I" should be changed with "me" since the right sentence is "end of me", not "end of I". Some writers confused the use of me and I when it comes to this.
All in all, I think you've a clear idea what to convey in this poem. I just hope that it is more abstract, and paint a clearer picture in reader's mind to make the idea more powerful - thus my suggestion to make more imagery. I also think the idea is redundant at the same time - I've seen this kind of poem - and if you want to make it work, you need to make it fresh, and one of the ways to do that is to think out of the box in terms of your word choice, and avoid cliche phrasings. Keep it up!