You were my first, you were my one.
Like a gardener to a rose
You gave me growth, you gave my life
But as I thought things would flourish
You ripped me from my stem, tossed me aside.
Without you life was impossible
Hurt and alone I retreated to the earth.
However, like a dormant seed I return
When conditions are right, when you want me
Only to wither again by your harsh winter.
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Hey! Cello here!
Great poem. You clearly have some talent. (I read your other work too and enjoyed it)
The only things that really bothered me was the punctuation. I mentioned this on your last poem too. Punctuation is an authors choice, but it needs to be consistent.
(Okay, this had nothing to do with consistency but there should be a comma after this)
Okay, you start with normal punctuation, as if you were writing a story. Putting commas where they go, putting periods at the end on sentences. Then you change, just putting commas and periods when you feel like it. You need some form of punctuation after 'life', and it's your call on if it's a period or comma.
Now you're leaving out vital punctuation. *Slightly misuses 'vital'*. After 'without you' you must have a comma. Then again, depending on what punctuation pattern you choose to stay consistent to, you need something after 'impossible'. Go through your entire poem with a pattern in mind and make sure everything fits. That's all I can suggest. (Also, return should be returned as it's past tense)
Keep up the good work!
-ChocolateCello
(If I was confusing, feel free to dm me)
Thanks for the review I'll take what you said on board but as you said punctuation is a writer's choice. I write how I hear it in my head.
Hi woeth,
I really like your poem. I can relate deeply with this poem. Its sad that we have both gone through things like this but we always will prevail even though it might take some fighting and time. I like all of you analogies, it is very interesting that you portrayed the person like a harsh winter. Love the poem!
-alexagk01
Thank you I am glad you enjoyed it.
Hey there woeth. Just lizzy stopping by for a quick review. Saw the title and it intrigued me to read on. After reading I felt it was necessary to review. I am trying to improve my style of reviewing poems so if you have any problems with the review please tell me. Well that's all, so let the reviewing begin.
Length: Like I said before this was just going to be a quick review, for your poem was very short. I do not care for poems that are too short because many do not get the pint they are trying to make across. Just as everything starts to unravel it ends. You did a pretty good job summing up the poem but in my opinion it could be a bit longer. Whatever you feel is right, just a friendly word of advice.
Content: I did like your vivid descriptions and similes. I usually like to save my praise for the end, but this is nearing the end of the review anyway.
Grammar and spelling: There were no errors that I could detect. When I find a piece with no errors I always like to thank the author for proofreading. This is an element of writing that bothers me more than it should.
Well I guess that is all I have for now.
Oops I forgot to welcome you to YWS above. Better late than never I guess. Also congrats on your first published poem.
Happy Holidays!
-lizzy
*If there is a grammar or spelling error in my review please ignore or notify me of it.
hey Lizzy
I appreciate you taking the time to review my little poem!
To be honest with you I havent seen a more corherent review as yours. All the reviews I've written have been a string of thoughts as I have no patience. So appreciate you taking the time it certainley makes it a lot easier to read.
Thank you for welcoming me but this is actually the second poem ive published.
Many happy returns x
Thanks for the comment and follow. If you need any advice on reviewing just ask. It took me awhile to make my reviews this detailed. Good luck with your reviewing and publishing more poems.
-lizzy
Heya! Matthew here for a review!
Well, my main thing is this- Why is the title 5? I have trouble understanding the connection. But, hey it's your poem!
Secondly, I love the similes you used. Especially,"You gave me growth, you gave my life."
In that second part, I think it would have sounded better if you said,"me," considering it's a personal attribute, like all the other sentences around it!
Thirdly, it was a good poem, but a little short, but that it personal preference!
One of my last points is on the use of However. It might be me, but I think it kind of disrupts the flow a bit, but everything I have said so far just seems like personal preference...
Anyway, I honestly think it was good! Little to no mistakes, which is a good thing! Continue writing!
MatthewAaron.
Hey Matthew!
Thanks for your pointers I'll definitely take them on board.
I get distracted too easily when writing so I keep it short and sweet for fear I'll ramble off on a tangent.
I rarely title my poems which may seem pretentious but honestly that is not the case. I only use titles if I want to implant a message in the readers mind. I feel titles alter the thoughts and feelings of readers and in many cases take from the poem. I like poems to stand alone, to speak for themselves.Also, Emily Dickinson was the first poet I fell in love with so it may also be her fault haha. This was the fifth poem I wrote and the poem and is written about someone who has led me on for 5 years so thats where the 5 comes from
That makes it a very emotional thing for you, then. I apologize for the critique on it!
No need to apologise, just a simple misunderstanding. I appreciate all aspects of reviews even the criticism so long as it's constructive.