"Casey, it's bedtime. Time to go to sleep. Bed. Now," her father told her sternly while pointing toward her bedroom.
"But I'm not tired!" Casey protested, crossing her arms and pouting.
Her father sighed and looked to her mother who just gave him a faint smile in return. "Why don't you read her a story, Dave?" she suggested with a shrug.
"A story. A story, please," Casey begged her father.
In response, her father looked at her and said, "Okay kiddo. Lets go." Then they walked into her room and Casey sat down on her bed to listen to The Monster at the End of This Book.
When the story was over, her father got up and left the room, closing the door behind him except for a crack. Casey watched him leave while being wide awake. Though she knew if she asked her father for another story he would usually turn her down. With a sigh, Casey lay on her back and try to fall asleep until she felt it was impossible. Then she got up and crept toward the door to go to her parent's room since she knew they were probably watching TV at this time. Her clock said it was 9:04 PM last time she checked so Casey figured it would be safe to try her parent's room. Suddenly Casey heard a loud unfamiliar voice through the door so she opened the door bit by bit until she could see what was going on.
Her parents were tied down to a chair with their hands pulled back behind them and their ankles tied to the legs of the wooden chairs. A tall man dressed in black clothing, including gloves and a mask, was saying forcefully, "Hand over those blueprints or I'll shoot! Where are they! Tell me! Now!" He was holding a handgun to her mother's head.
"No don't do it. Don't tell him," she whimpered. "Their lives are worth more than ours!" Her eyes were in a squint like position to brace herself for the blow of the bullet through her skull. Her dark brown, wavy, hair was hanging to side since her head was tilted from the pressure of the gun to her head.
"Is that your answer? Are you doing to listen to your foolish wife and not hand over those prints? I give you one last shot before I shoot. Are you going to give me those prints or do I have to kill her?' the man pushed, pressing the gun a bit harder to her head.
"No. You're not getting those prints! There are probably thousands of people that will cross that bridge each day after it's built and I refuse to let those lives be lost for my own selfish reasons," said her father sternly, in a sort of growl.
"If that's your answer then I have no choice but to shoot your lovely wife here," said the man. As he said it he put his finger on the trigger of the gun and pulled it, causing the bullet to leave the muzzle and into side of her mother's head. Blood came out from where the pullet had broken into her skull and dripped onto the floor.
Dave's eye showed little surprise for he knew this was due to happen since he was high up in status when helping build this bridge. Most of the men building this bridge had said that there were definitely going to be some major obstacles. But everyone knew well enough that this bridge had to be built for the sake of that town in Iowa. If this man got those prints he could potentially kill thousands of people with one bomb.. But now he was tied to a chair. And for this bridge to go on he was going to have to die.
"So what will it be, Mr. Rhodes? Are you going to hand over those prints like a good little hostage? or will you die like your wife and I find those prints on my own?" the man asked, walking over and placing the gun to the side of Dave's head in the same position as he did to his wife, Abagail.
"Just shoot me then. You won't get those blue prints. No matter how hard you try. Just kill me. I'm worth less then those many live that will cross that bridge. Much less," Dave answered quietly. Almost a whisper. In the back of his mind there was fear. Fear of leaving Casey alone and on her own. Would she grow up okay? Had he been a good enough father? Who would take care of his little girl and put her through school? Just so many questions he wished he knew the answer to but didn't. And soon enough, there was nothing. Everything was just... black.
Casey watched as this was going on. Too scared to move from where she was standing. It was as if her legs and arms were frozen in place and her feet were nailed to the hard wooden floor. What was happening? Why wasn't daddy moving anymore? But there was nothing she could do except watch. Watch this strange man go through her house looking for something. Luckily, he didn't bother to check Casey's room and left the house in a hurry before the police arrived at the house. As soon as she heard the door slam, she felt like she could move again and ran to the house phone to call 9-1-1. "Hello what is the emergency?" an older woman on the other end asked her.
"It's mommy and daddy. They aren't moving," Casey said quickly in a scared tone.
"Hold on little girl. Slow down and tell me what happened," the woman told her calmly.
"A strange man came into my home and he pointed a gun at mommy and then daddy and now they're not moving," Casey said slower. But there was still a large amount of fear in her voice.
"Okay," said the woman. "Can you tell me if mommy and daddy are talking to you?"
Casey nodded and tried to talk to her parents. Trying to say their names. But there was no answer in return so Casey said, "Their not talking. I tried saying their names."
"Okay. Can you tell me if they look asleep?"
"They do."
"Okay. Just stay there and we'll send people over. Everything is going to be okay."
Casey nodded and hung up the phone, staring at it for a few minutes afterwords, she was scared and didn't know what to do. The house was cold on this particular night in November. As she breathed she could see her breath as a white puff in the air. Her father had told her that they had to wait to get more oil for heat so it was going to be extra cold. Casey's arms were freezing so she hugged herself to keep warm in her nightgown. After about ten minutes, there was a knock on the door and two police officers along with two men from child care services. The two from child care services went over to Casey to interview her about what happened and help her with the shock of the incident while the two officers went over to the parents to investigate the scene of the crime.
((I understand that it needs a little more detail in the first part and it needs to be longer but this is what I have so far.))
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
This sentence Is a little awkward, and the father's dialogue would make more sense if it was interrupted by Casey's actions. (i.e "Casey, It's bedtime!" However, his daughter stood firmly in place. She stomped her foot in protest. "Time to go to sleep," her father tried again, but to no avail. "Bed! Now!" said her father, his voice now stern. He was getting impatient)
I think this sentence sounds a little bit better if you cross of the 'and pouting'.
This is a little confusing. Try 'his wife'.
How about just 'she suggested'?
How does Casey feel about the story? Is she happy about it? Then show it.
I know what you're getting at with this sentence, but I think, "He closed the door, but not all the way so Casey could have some light in her bedroom," sounds better and more grammatically correct, no?
In the context of the sentence, I think 'However' sounds better.
Tried?
I'm not going to continue with this, because I read on and I could see the same mistakes. You show and don't tell. Casey did this. Then she did that. Look in the writing tips section, that has a lot of good articles on show and tell. Also, the scene seems a little rushed and forced. I think you should re-write this, make it longer, pay attention detail. You had almost no description - I could not feel like I was there at all. I like the general premise, but It needs a lot of work before I can really say that I enjoyed this piece. In all other aspects, I like the idea. Good luck with your writing in the future.
*Moved to Action/Adventure*