Grey clouds loomed overhead, casting their gloom over Fantasy Circus. Gleeful children and adults waited anxiously at the front gates. Performers darted in and out of tents and trailers, getting ready for the evening show. Far off from all the excitement, was a lone trailer, separated from everyone and everything. Sitting there at her vanity, dabbing a light blush on her face, sat the most gorgeous woman to ever set foot on stage.She was tall, strong, thin, voluptuous and everything in-between. Sadly, looks can be deceiving, just like her attitude. A black cat sprang up next to her, head-butting her shoulder to get her attention.
"What is it Magik, my sweet? You know I can't play right now, I have things to attend to." she crooned with a smile. The cat had an emerald-green bottle in his jaw and dropped it in her outstretched hand. Turning the bottle thrice in hand, excitement flowed through her every vein. For years they had called her a wicked witch! Now, she would show them just how wicked she really was. Although, despite all the things everyone put her through, her dear sister never joined in, but she never stood up for her either. They used to be very close as children and she would never hurt her...unless she got in the way.
" Laissez le sort des sœurs Godric tomber entre les mains de la plus digne des sorcières." she uttered in a foreign tongue, before downing the contents of the the bottle. A slight shiver traveled up her spine and a green glow outlined her body. Cheers echoed from the colorful tent as the audience began to take their seats. "Their in for quite a show tonight." she thought to herself. Taking one last fleeting glance around her dressing room, she fasted her black cape around her neck and set off, determined to make her last performance...a real showstopper.
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Well...this is certainly a very fun story here, its somehow manages to look a little bit cartoony with the overall vibe but it always conveys the fact that something evil is definitely going down here...well it certainly was quite an interesting little story this one...more details below.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well...that was quite the opening there, on hand its a peaceful little setting here that is slowly being established and it looks like its a pretty fun looking thing to do with the circus here, and the activity and all being mentioned really helps out to create a lovely little image of an active circus field of some sort or something along those lines at any rate. But then of course we have a potentially evil witch being mentioned...that's going to be quite interesting...hmm....well let's see how this one ends up going then.
Well...that's not starting off very well at all, oh dear...well some wicked sorcery about to unleashed on this circus I see, and well that certainly looks like it would make for a pretty mischievous or potentially evil bit of magic there...the detail about everyone having called her a wicked witch and also the mention of her sister and her relationship with said sister is also quite an interesting detail to just throw in there, well this is certainly quite an intriguing story this one.
The real magic here is that I somehow remember enough French to translate that great spell of sorcery, and well, Godric sisters and fate all sound like some pretty crazy things going down here...wonder what those could possibly mean, and I'm assuming the greatest of witches refers to our protagonist here possibly. Well...looks like the audience is going to get a little more than they bargained for when they signed up for that show...and well...the way that she says showstopper is just a suuuper ominous ending there, oh dear.....well this is going to go terribly for all the other poor souls there.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this makes for a really interesting short here...and honestly it could make for quite a nice prologue as well here...or even a first chapter...its certainly got all the right ingredients at any rate...xD
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
RoyalHighness has arrived to review!
Happy Review Day!
Overall, weird, and I like weird. I won't re-touch on the things Dragon mentioned, although they have really good points, so make sure you fix what they suggested. Anywho, let's begin the review, shall we?
Nitpick #1
Spoiler
You need a comma instead of a period here, and before every quotation in fact. Every quote should read like so:
This is a big problem with a minor fix. Just make sure you keep commas in quotations instead of periods, okay?
Nitpick #2
Spoiler
First, you put a space between, "laissez," and the quotation mark. Just a minor typo.
But, uhm, this quote is in French, not a "foreign language." People will know it 9;s French. Why not just call it French? Or, even better, create your own magical language! That would be better than slapping the universal language of the Olympics on a page and calling it "foreign." Just a thought, but you don 9;t have to fix it if you don 9;t want to.
Nitpick #3
Spoiler
Minor thing: need a space after that ellipses.
Conclusion
Overall, this was interesting and dark and detailed and you did a great job. I'll give you seven stars out of ten because you did have a few minor mistakes but overall, it grabbed my attention and held it! Great job!
I liked it. It was good. Short, but good.
It was a bit cliché, but apart from that, I liked it a lot. I like how you put rare description in there. Most people would use the everyday description words, but I like how yours weren't the "everyday words".
I agree with dragonfphoenix on the part where you said that her looks could be deceiving, just like her attitude. We didn't really see anything that she did, so it was sort of a distraction, just as dragonfphoenix said.
Knight Dragon, here to review!
Extraneous comma. Also, a note on your verb. That "was" is pretty weak. You could have something like "sat" to strengthen your work. Active voice helps!
Um, how is her attitude deceiving, exactly? We've only just met her, and she hasn't even done anything yet. This is really distracting.
That should be "They're." Their is the possessive form.
You might have been typing too fast, because you forgot an "en" in fastened.
Well. That last sentence was a little...abrupt for a short story. I'm slightly confused. Is this a rough draft? Will there be more? As is, this is little more than a brief character sketch for an unnamed witch. It's like you're noting items to return to later. The circus, the witch, the abilities of the potion, the witch's sister and that lady's involvement with said circus...you leave a lot to be answered for. I could see this as a prologue to a story, opening chapter, or perhaps the start of a short story, but right now there's not enough to really call it a 'story.'
If you're stuck on ideas for where to go with this, set it aside and give it some time. If you've got an idea, play around with it and see what happens. I'd definitely recommend expanding this to at least one scene.
Hope this helps!
I did mean it to be like an epilogue sorry if that wasn't clear, but thanks for the tips, super helpful!