It was a stagnant, bleak morning. Mushy clouds covered the glassy sky, preventing any sun from hitting my frozen, heat-depraved body on my walk to school. Arriving at my first class, I saw my best friend sulking sadly in front of the door. She looked at me with sullen, hollow eyes.
" I have a broken soul." She says plainly. Knowing her dad just died a month ago from cancer, I rapidly pulled her into a hug. She tenses up and I rub her back attempting to warm her and console her.
"Hey, I don't know what it's like to lose a parent, but I bet it's hard. He wouldn't have wanted you to grieve, he wants you to carry on, remember what he taught you, and remember that he loved you." She pushes me away and stares at me like I've gone insane. A smile grows on her face as I see a glimpse of understanding and mischief pass through her eyes.
"No,no," she says giggling, " I have a broken sole!" She lifts up her foot and points to the bottom of her shoe.There's an obvious hole on the bottom of her shoe so big, that you can see most of her foot. The broken sole... Of her shoe.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Oooh...this one was pretty sweet....I love the way it starts there, really leaning into the sad imagery and then that really wholesome scene of a friend comforting and advising another friend and then that pretty fun twist for the finish.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well...that's a pretty neat bit of imagery there to open with, immediately establishing what the atmosphere of the area is pretty well there. Talking about the cold also really helps out there by giving the reader a few more things to imagine from a few more sense and that's always a lovely touch. Also...well....that best friend there doesn't appear to be doing particularly well, sullen hollow eyes usually means something absolutely terrible has happened.
Oh dear...well that's not good, that definitely sounds like it would be a truly horrible event to happen to someone and well that's the sort of thing that you do end up taking quite a long time to try and move past, and her declaring something like this certainly seems like it would be a very plausible thing for a horrible situation like that. Her friend her stepping in to comfort here immediately is a lovely gesture to see here.
Oohh....well first of all that's a pretty awesome thing to be saying to a friend who lost her father, words can only do so much but this person is picking some of the best words here judging by what I can see and well that is truly quite something to see how friendly these two are. Although of course that mischievous grin and confused look means it looks like there's going to be quite a big twist here.
And that's aww....ending there....that's such a wholesome way to end it, with it just being a small misunderstanding and the whole thing ending in smiles for the moment...well it does look like her father did actually pass away which is still a very sad thing but at least she seems to have gotten past it and can enjoy little things like that...so I'd say this is a sweet ending here after all.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this was a lovely story, and I really did enjoy reading it. It made me think quite a bit too, and it does leave you with a small smile on your face...and that's always nice.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
nice job
. I liked the ending, I thought it was funny! It was a nice twist to what would have been an extremely tragic ending! I was honestly expecting something super different that what I got here, but I wasn't disappointed at all. You obviously know how to write and how to write well, so you got that going for you. Your description is very good, you make it easy for the reader to picture exactly what the characters look like and what they're doing, which is very nice.
I honestly was surprised at how short this piece was, but I don't think that you could really logically make it any longer, so that's not really a bad thing. It was a cute little humorous piece and I liked it! Good job!
I was expecting a tragic story, but I'm glad it ended up the way it did! You turned something sad into such a humorous story. I really enjoyed reading this because I wasn't at all expecting that. Humor was the farthest thing from my mind when I was reading this, but you turned it around and it's great.
This quote in all honesty totally got me:
"She tenses up and I rub her back attempting to warm her and console her." I don't know why. I think it's just one of those things you feel in your heart that make you happy and this quote made me happy. Those words made me feel nostalgic. I loved it!
Okay, so I was about to start crying and was like, why the heck is this under humor? This is definitely not humorous, but then I got to the end and was like haha. Anyway, I really liked it. You managed to bring humor and fun to a normally tragic scene. There was that one sentence that Sampson pointed out and I agree with him. I think the rest was beautiful, and it really almost made me cry. Almost. Can't wait to read more from you!
Oh my god you almost made me cry... then I got to the end. That was hilarious. I have to say I was incredibly entertained and don't regret reading that! Really if there's one thing I'd change, and there really is just ONE thing, "I rapidly pulled her into a hug" it doesn't seem like rapidly is the right word for that sentence. Other than that I loved that little scene.