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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
So Hello!
Just start off I'm not a very good reviewer! I know people like knit pick and stuff and that's great, but I stink at checking stuff so I'm just going to "review" in the way of saying what I like
Sorry if that doesn't float your boat.
At the beginning when you said "my moods are at war again" it just caught my eye because even though your poem may be about yourself or not even I think everyone can always just relate on how you feel.
And if this isn't about you then awesome! I love the feeling of not knowing what this thing is that is haunting you and freaking you out of your mind.
Also: battle FIELD
I also think you meant to say vertigo not "veritgo"
But all the same it was a great poem! Keep it up!
THE WAR! Yes, I'd be glad to review this, Coley
Anyways, on the review. I'll first give my general impression and suggestions and hit it verse by verse. Okay, so first, I didn't think O'Connor was you because you wrote 'author' by the title. Sorry for that! Just use 'by' or pen it by the end for clarity. Now, on the piece itself. One word: simply marvelous! Oh wait, those're two! but let's just scrap off the adjectives, shall we? The idea and kill at the end is a great concept. And to start with something creepy but cool is remarkable.
ALTHOUGH...there are a few bit things that needs some reworking. Let me give it to you in a verse by verses hit.
*There's a problem I found in the piece, it's a bit wordy. It's okay to do that, especially in prose poetry, but there should at least be some conventions or artistic style hidden 'round the verses since this is a poem. An essence should exude from the flow of the piece.
*Although this is narrative (or dramatic due to some misled lines), we needn't only know what you're seeing, but we also need to see, feel, hear and smell it. You can do this by using figurative language and/or adjectival descriptions.
That's all for my review! Sorry for the blasted cluttered writing, wrong use of grammar and other technicalities because I'm writing this in the dead of the night and I haven't got any coffee. Peace out
This is a good piece, it just needs some improvement. Good luck writing!
Your pal,
Al!
Hi there!
First and foremost, I'd like to remind you that always proofread and/or spellcheck your work before posting! That way you'll avoid mistakes like these:
All in all, the form of the poem made it a bit difficult for me to thoroughly enjoy it. Since all the lines are individual sentences that end with a period, the atmosphere is a bit choppy. Also, the lines are of quite different lengths, so the rhythm was pretty much non-existent as well - and rhythm is, at least for me, one of the things that really make a poem!
I like the idea that you have here. Mental illnesses are interesting topics for literary works, so it's always cool to read some of them. However, I'd have hoped to see another approach to the topic than "my moods are at war". It seems like it's been used so much, and I'd like to get a feeling that you had done some research, for example, and brought up a new way to look at it, something that people with no experience haven't even thought about! I think it would give this a very interesting twist.
Also, have a thought about what I said about the rhythm! I think just lengthening/shortening some of the mismatched lines would alone do wonders. Maybe even some rhymes, if you're into that kind of thing.
Hope this helped!
Demeter
x
Hey there!
Intersting concept. I've always wanted to see some work on schizophrenia. You presented some interesting ideas surrounding it, so congrats on that.
Unfortunately, this needs some improvement.
In your opening line, you set up the scene on a battle field. (Which you spelling wrong just transposed some letters) While I agree that this can work for schizophrenia, I think this is a bit cliched and overused. That being said, I think if you were to stick with this, you need to carry it through the entire poem, and really make the reader feel like they are experiencing the "war".
Your second sentence - eh, I'm more of a fan of adding some mystery to such topics, as you pretty much told the reader what the narrator is experiencing - so then there would be no need for your ending line.
Third line (sense my pattern here?) - It seems as though you meant to have the second and third line connected, but your punctuation creates a disconnect. Remove the period in the second line, and add a comma. Again with the disconnect, remove the comma at the end of this line, and add a comma. I believe you wanted the poem to read as "My moods are at war again, colliding and merging together, creating a symphony of silence as my screams get choked down."
Fourth line - I enjoy that you gave the visual of someone's screaming being forced away - silenced. I kind of don't understand how a bunch of things could create a "symphony of silence", as silence is well, silent, unless you are trying to say that the silence seems loud, but if you were to do that, I'd say go with "cacophony", as that is indicative of "war".
Fifth line - fine.
Sixth line - You are getting further and further away from the theme you orignally established. I can see how "giving in" could tie into surrendering to the enemy in war, but it's still a bit of a stretch.
Seventh line - Well now you are completely away from the theme. I'm assuming you mean "eerie", not "errie". You have a pattern of disconnecting your lines - you need a comma ending the sixth line, and one at the end of this one. The flow of this line seems a bit off, so I'd rethink your wording. (I do like the visual, though.)
Eighth line - No problems, I like the imagery
Ninth line - Try "The room turns into vertigo", as vertigo is a noun. You could add a comma to the end of this to connect the tenth line, but I could see how this disconnect could work, though a comma might make the entire poem flow better.
Tenth line - Love it.
Ending line - There is really no need to reveal what the narrator has, it was indicated by the lines beforehand. If you want this to be surprising, I'd try to work your poem back into the war theme, removing the second line entirely.
Overall, work on your flow, and check your spelling! I think this could seriously be something powerful with some work!
~Epic