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139,477 Literary Works • 672,575 Reviews
Hi there!
I like your idea, and the second half of your piece is lovely. Absolutely lovely. The chemicals idea is great.
There are some things I'd like to address in this poem, however.
Your lines are very long, and thus are very difficult to read with rhythm. I'd consider breaking them up more.
What is this "it" you've introduced? It kind of comes out of nowhere. If you had a comma at the end of the previous line, it would make a little more sense, but not much. Is this it the action that this other person does? The tearing down of this covering? Is it the covering itself? I don't know. But I do know that this poem is focused on the other person. And if what the person is doing is doing this to you, you can easily change "it" to "you." That would be clearer.
I think this should be one sentence, not two. It's choppy as it is. Also, to improve the rhythm, omit "your." It's obvious that the person possesses the eyes if they're looking through you with them.
omit the comma at the end of this line.
Omit "these." It sounds weird. I would change it to "your." Then, omit "your" in the next line. It'll make both of these lines much stronger.
Altogether, good idea, and for the most part, good words. I hope this review was helpful. Happy writing!
Hello there world! Dogs here with your review today. Ok I love the idea of this piece, you imagery for the most part is excellent, the latter end of your poem is certainly stellar. I think the biggest problem I found in this piece is that your rhythm is incredibly choppy. Partially because of the extraordinarily long lines you use at some points. For example in the second and third line, they are both far too long for this poem and therego throws off the flow. You should break those two lines into pieces so it'll look more like:
"As you're tearing down
the covering I wrap around me.
It heightens my body to an
oblivion stride of certainty."
That just looks better and the natural pauses and rhythm is far smoother. Moving on then.
So the same issue applies to your third to last and second to last line, so break those to up a tad to help out with the flow but apart from that the last half is pretty stellar. Great use of vocab in there. Ok but the first half is missing some little details, one of the biggest being that you use boring and overused words that I read every day in my reviews. You need to spice it up and bring in some more descriptive and powerful words that I've never read before. So when you say:
"As you're tearing down the covering I wrap around me"
You have so much potential for much more exciting imagery to use here. Try using shred, or mince, or destroy, or demolish. Something more exciting. The key here is to look up some of these words in a Thesaurus and find more intriguing words to use in their place. That will make your writing far better and much more entertaining to read.
Great piece all and all, I certainly love the ending. This piece needs just a little bit of polishing and touch ups and than it'll be stellar. Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh
Thank you so much. c: I'm glad you enjoyed it.
I understand what you mean about the lines, I'll certainly keep that in mind while writing; I've always had a problem with it.
In most of my work I use a Thesaurus to help me describe situations as I see them in reality; which is much more complex than what a word could hold, in my eyes. If you have time read some of my other work, I describe everything in much more detail.
Thank you, again. I always love hearing back and getting a critique, thank you for your time. c:
-Cole