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E - Everyone


by wheretwoworldstouch

I’ve told myself many times;
To stray from the love you fill inside me tonight.
In the moonlight I have realized;
You’re worth putting down the fight.
The solders I have trained to kill;
To those who try to bring my thrill.
My weapons ceased;
The battle is neutral for only ye.
Take your ships;
And invade my sanctuary.
Sail into my roots,
Attached to me akin my grave;
Rupture; break; untangle them from my veins.
I will let you inside;
You can tear down the walls I’ve built up over time.
I accede to let you into my sanctuary.
Please steal me;
From this body I hide in like a cave.
I yearn to be your baby.
You are my beckon;
The statue I bestow to resemble my home.
An impression that never fades.
You are a memory I cannot replace;
An eternal mark
stamping a muse deep within my frame.
A subconscious brain wave.
Tumbling me into your sea.
Steadily being the ocean and sandy floor beneath;
I am merely one oscillation in your sweeping current,
Brushing me off my feet;
A tender revolve folding in your soothing undulation like motions;
You’ve got me under the spell of your potions.
I oblige to the pulsars you surge surrounding me.
Yours truly conforms to fit in your extremity.
Veering to your every move;
Following your notions;
Swaying to your tune;
Guided by your notes;
Dwelling in your tone.
I adhere to the sound of your melody.
As you clothe me;
Drenched with water;
Transparent and pure;
I’ll never wash to shore.
Drowning in your amity;
I never want to breathe.
You invade my every cavity;
Filling me with harmony.

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411 Reviews

Points: 42428
Reviews: 411

Sun Feb 24, 2013 10:25 pm
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BenFranks wrote a review...

Hey there,

This is a very, very lyrical poem. Are you interested in writing lyrics at all? I reckon you would rather shine in that form, if these were to be your verses formulated around some sort of chorus.

I enjoyed with this poem your use of punctuation, although you do overuse the semi-colon quite considerably. The pauses of the metre in poetry punctuation for a semi-colon is a 3/4 beat, meaning it will run off slower than a comma (1/2 beat) but faster than a full-stop (1 beat), and when someone reads poetry that muddles full-stops and semi-colons its very easy to start pausing awkwardly and thus the reader subs it for a full-stop or comma pause making your semi-colons lose their effect entirely. You also lose control. You should only use a semi-colon therefore when you want to completely relate the previous clause to the next one (if it were the sentence), and the same works in poetry. Be careful with it!

Your word choice and content means the execution of poetry about love here is pretty stand-out and very enjoyable.

Although do avoid listing structures like this:

You are my beckon;
The statue I bestow to resemble my home.
An impression that never fades.
You are a memory I cannot replace;
An eternal mark
stamping a muse deep within my frame.
A subconscious brain wave

You have some lovely imagery here but it reads as a 'This, and that, and this, and that'. Spruce it up a little!

Anyway love it, keep writing!

Thank you very much for your critique. I will take it in what you said. c:

User avatar
25 Reviews

Points: 519
Reviews: 25

Thu Feb 21, 2013 8:44 pm
tteele wrote a review...

Are you in love ?!
That was the first idea that popped into my head after reading this . It has such a feeling of passion and love , like you know the exact feeling . Sounds like you know exactly what you are writing about and you have lives it through yourself. Amazing , passionate poem only one thing : all the ; , : etc. can get a bit confusing at times , so i would use them less, but that might just be your style :)

Thank you very much. I am falling in love, I will admit. Also, that is my style. :p

User avatar
23 Reviews

Points: 1084
Reviews: 23

Thu Feb 21, 2013 8:25 pm
florageis wrote a review...

Wow great flow and rhythm. This poem gave me a fluttery feeling inside because it was so romantic. Beautiful word collection.There was a good rhyming scheme so beautiful. A powerful piece. The beautiful imagery had taken me away. i could not find many mistakes I just wanted to give it a good review. This poem had a sense of passion so deep..

Thank you so much! I really appreciate your review. c:

The roots of education are bitter, but the fruit is sweet.
— Aristotle