Light. That was the first thing she remembered about her brother: light. The sun beamed down on the meadow, but his grin very nearly outshone it. He had smiling cheeks and kind eyes that crinkled into crow’s feet from laughing too much. The breeze caught his chocolate hair in its wake and ran its hand through the waves as he pursed his lips and blew away the fluff from a dandelion in his hand. “Make a wish,” he’d said, and her eyes lit up as she watched the seeds dance away in the wind.
I wish this day could last forever, she’d thought, too young and naive to know this wasn’t possible.
A dandelion blooms from a crack in the faded sidewalk. Wind blows, and its seeds are whisked away into the dim sky above. The heavens are overcast. The trees that loom above her head now are twisted and grey. It’s been a year since he’d gone, and in her heart where he’d resided is an ache.
“Don’t worry,” he’d said, and he held her hand. “We’re just as safe now as we were on the ground.” Carnival lights lit up the night, and jaunty music echoed in her ears. Smells clashed, that of popcorn and candy apples and fuel. The two gripped a bar in front of them, fingers still sticky from the candy floss. The seat jolted, and they rose. A gentler smile caught her eye, and he squeezed her hand as her feet left the ground. Her breath caught in her throat, but as the world fell away beneath her feet, all she could do was laugh. It had felt like she was flying.
She’d felt at peace, and she’d wished this moment could last forever.
Distant music rings in her ears. A new carnival is in town, and laughter echoes from its walls. She grips a bouquet in her hand. The smell that fills her nose now is that of dew and far-off funnel cakes. Her feet tread uneasily on the grass.
Tubes stretched around the room, around his frail and deathly form. He shot her a comforting smile, but it was distorted by the mask over his mouth. The amplified sound of his breathing filled her ears before fading, slowly, gently. He squeezed her hand before growing slack. The line flattened, and the sound of his breathing was replaced with a loud, steady beep.
The air is crisp and cold as she kneels in front of the tombstone and sets down a bouquet of wildflowers. The sound of rushing wind is overwhelming, the sight of any colour marching through her crowded mind. A tear drips down her nose, but―she feels a hand on hers. Eyes open to glimpse a smile, soft and comforting, before dandelion seeds brush past and drift away in the wind.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hey there! I saw this piece in the literary section, and I'd love to check it out. It sounds like it's going to be sad, and I love reading sad things aha xD
Ooh! With the mention of light, a meadow, and a grin, the beginning has such a mystical, fantasy, dreamy sort of vibe. Love how you used "beamed" for the sun, because beamed can be another word for smiling, and it's like you're comparing the sun's smile to the boy's smile; that's super neat ^_^
While I think "crow's feet" is such a cool and unique simile, I don't really think it fits here; probably because you're using all of these positive and uplifting descriptions, but crows usually have a negative connotation associated with it. Perhaps you could use a different, more positive verb? But that's just my opinion! :)
Since "wind" is the last noun you referred to, it sounds like you're saying the wind's seeds are being whisked away; I don't think it'd hurt to clarify who's seeds you are talking about c:
ooh, I love how you're using negative words (like twisted) to portray a shift in the mood! It's quite effective here ^^_
Omg I really love "carnival lights," that really contributes to the fun, lighthearted, dreamy atmosphere <3
WOAH this sentence though! Definitely my favourite, that completely caught me off guard, and ahh </3 I don't even know what to say!
With this and the previous sentence I quoted and in a bunch of other spots, you do a really nice job of establishing a longing feel or a yearning of the past. Reminiscing and nostalgia. It's really heartbreaking
Wow, you literally have so many chilling statements in this omg. His breathing being "replaced" by a machine is so ahhh </3 I love this so much omg
asdhflkj WALLFLOWERRR this was so good :"( I love the way you went full circle, all the way back to the dandelions you mentioned in the beginning! What a perfect way to close this up.
I think if I had one overall critique to offer, it'd be that your sentence structure is kind of the same throughout. Like you usually have subject + verb. They rose. The air is crisp. I find it to be a little repetitive over time; I think if you started to vary your sentence structure, like have introductory phrases at the beginning of your sentences, it would really help and make this even more vivid c: But that's really all I have to offer you, because this is so good already omg
If you can't tell, I really, really love this. So much. The imagery was so effective in establishing shifts in mood and setting. You have such a way with words, and the whole piece was so hauntingly beautiful <3
I hope to read more from you soon, and I hope this helped! ^_^
Thank you so much!! Your critiques are really helpful, I%u2019ll definitely revise it!! Thank you for your kind words
This is so beautifully written! You do really well with imagery and especially connecting it to emotions. I really feel the conflicting emotions, grief and relief as she reminisces on her brother. Masterfully done!
thanks so much!!
By the first sentence, I was already hooked. The way you showed imagery throughout the story was great.
The paragraph on the death I really liked. You got straight to the point, didn't drag it out too long. The last sentence was very well-written, " The line flattened, and the sound of his breathing was replaced with a loud, steady beep".
Keep up the great work!
Signed,
Pineapple
By the first sentence, I was already hooked. The way you showed imagery throughout the story was great.
The paragraph on the death I really liked. You got straight to the point, didn't drag it out too long. The last sentence was very well-written, " The line flattened, and the sound of his breathing was replaced with a loud, steady beep".
Keep up the great work!
Signed,
Pineapple
Thanks so much!!!
This is great! I'd review it but I just finished a big ol' analysis essay for school and my brain is tired so... I like it! It's great! Yeah!
Thank you!! : )
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Well this was a really nice story to read. I mean its sad but odly satisfying in a way. It really is a pretty darn well written story you've got here.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well this was a lovely place to start the story...that's a really nice description there. You can definitely sense some emotion in that description too and that's quite nice to see right at the start of a story. It really does wonders to imagining the relationship here.
Looks like we're getting started on a bit of sad note there. Lovely touch there with the imagery reflecting the overall mood of that paragraph. Loving that touch.
Ahh so much wholesome imagery...definitely brings a smile to your face and really conveys that nostalgia. Of course, knowing the title of this story I have a feeling I know what happened to this brother so everything is tinged by a lot of sadness...
And here comes the crushing bits of reality. I love how this darker more saddening descriptions seem to gradually be filtering into the rest here.
Well there it comes..as impactful a scene as any you can create from the words here in this short story. I think it was done pretty well.
Well that was a nice touch to end...I think its a pretty fitting ending you have there. I like it despite the very sad overtones here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall this was a really nice story to read. Its really quite a nice piece of writing. Aaaand I think that's all I've got to say.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Thank you for the review!!! I'm grinning
Hey waywardxwallflower!
My name is Elinor, and I thought that I would drop by to give your short story a quick review. I really enjoyed reading this, and think that you certainly have a gift for description. I definitely felt I was right there with the protagonist and her brother.
My main comment with this piece is that I feel like you could do more with it. This sort of story has been told a lot, so what you need to do to make this stand out is to make it your own. I didn't get much of the sense of that here. It's nothing that can't be addressed in revisions, but I wanted to know more about who these characters are. How did the brother die? That isn't entirely clear, and when they're so young, it's something the reader is going to wonder. Also, I read the scene at the carnival a few times and I'm not entirely sure what happened.
I also wanted to know the narrator's name, the brother's name, how old they are, anything that will help me feel their connection more.
Anyway, that's all I have for now. I hope this helps!
Keep writing,
Elinor