(The first stanza is not mine, the original author is Lewis Carroll for that)
.
the little girl just could not sleep
because her thoughts were way too deep.
her mind had gone out for a stroll
and fallen down the rabbit hole.
.
that unwritten thought
wrestled inside her, begging to be let out,
fighting to be free
but at what cost?
.
there were poems inside of her,
that paper couldn't handle.
the pen was her knife, her soul bleeding
into the pages.
.
she was addicted to the taste of solitude,
like an elixir,
she could not think
to give up.
.
she didn't weep with tears
nor blood,
but with thoughts that
were slowly weaving her into a tapestry.
.
she wanted to write and write,
to the point of suffocation, she didn't mind
she longed to put all the messy thoughts
into perfect places, where they belonged
.
her stubborn disposition,
was bound to kill her
its talons sank deep until
all that was left, was glittery gold.
.
she didn't come falling from heaven,
but crawling through the depths of hell
coming out perfectly fine
like it was a stroll in the woods.
.
she wasn't made for ordinary things,
for
dreaming comes to her
as easily as breathing.
.
lightning seeping through her veins
moon dust in her hair, she's made of outer space
her lips are like the galaxy's edge,
and her smile was a constellation falling into place.
.
she seemed to be tangled,
in cracked hopes and broken promises,
buried deep under the thing
we call life.
.
she'll forever be a wanderer,
a traveler, an explorer,
with no place
to truly call home.
.
forever lost in a wonderland
to truly see, she needs to close her eyes.
she felt powerless in other people's worlds
so she decided to make her own.
.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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btw, the first stanza is not mine.
I really enjoyed the journey of this poem, as the girl goes through the rabbit hole and gets a little lost in wonderland. It was a neat poetic spin on Alice in Wonderland and you have some really lovely images in here too.
I think Lewis Carroll's work is a great poetic muse by the way, and you did a good job giving him credit for the first stanza there to set off readers knowing where those lines came from.
This stanza was my absolute favorite:
How lovely is that imagery! Love that space / celestial motif; and it gave the poem an other-worldly and even more whimsical feeling.
My only little suggestion is in this stanza:
that second line felt like it was hanging a little bit as it's the only place you separate a single word for a line and it didn't quite feel impactful enough to have its own line. Don't be afraid to mix up your formatting pattern once in a while if there's not enough lines to justify four lines per stanza. If you wanted to keep it at four lines, I think I'd break that one up this way:
That also preserves the near-rhyme of for / for / her in case you were trying to preserve that!
Overall, a lovely poem, and I'm looking forward to getting to read more of your poems on the site hopefully!
alliyah
Hey, thank you so much for this review! I really appreciate it. and you're completely right about the formatting, I didn't really know exactly how to go about it here. Formatting for me is one of the hardest parts of a poem.
Again, thank you for the review, it really did help. I don't know if my poems are polished enough to post yet, but you're a great reviewer! %uD83D%uDE04
Hi, hello there! This is Ina speaking. I am back here to write you down a comment/review. By the way, this poem seems related to the first one. Is it? Anyways, let's get into it.
I love how I can visualize and feel myself falling down a rabbit hole. While reading, I felt something like magic. I even visualized a piano falling with me. I love the rhythms and metaphors but it tells a story too. It reminds me of that one Taylor Swift song "Wonderland", it is related to Alice and Wonderland too. My favorite lines are:
the little girl just could not sleep
because her thoughts were way too deep.
her mind had gone out for a stroll
and fallen down the rabbit hole.
These lines, "even if they're not yours," make me feel magical and it actually works as a starting of the poem.
lightning seeping through her veins
moon dust in her hair, she's made of outer space
her lips are like the galaxy's edge,
and her smile was a constellation falling into place.
These lines make me feel beautiful things. And I don't know why. This is one of the best poem I've read. Fight the wall. Thank you for sharing a wonderful poem. Have a nice morning, day, afternoon, or night.
thank you so much!! I really appreciate it. And yes, it is. the poem isn't an exact continuation of the last one, but they are related
You're welcome! By the way, you have a cute username @waterfalls.
Excellently written in my fair opinion! A lot of writers try to tackle the task of writing a poem and don’t quite get the magic behind it. But you succeeded phenomenally. Between the rhymes, the imagery, and the metaphors, you placed an emphasis on a single thought/theme. Very well done. Enjoyed it.
thank you so much! this made my day
I like how it’s written like magic. Like writing is a fantastical art and in many ways, it is. It can be hard though, as shown in this poem. It can come with its ups and down, with people not understanding the words written. But it’s best to continue writing if one so wishes to. I thought that this was a very cool poem. I enjoyed it.
I wish you a great day/night.
thank you
Hi there! I think this is an amazing poem and it made my day. This might not be a very valuable comment, I apologise/ apologize. But I want to say that this deserves more likes as it is very interesting and it kept my eyes stuck to it until I was done reading! Good job there
and keep it up! I'm excited to see more of your poetry!
Have a nice day/night/afternoon/evening!!
thank you!
and you don't have to apologize