I didn’t think. I grabbed my gun, simultaneously twisting to face the threat. My turn was barley competed before my finger pressed down. I felt the gun give a small jolt as the bullet left the barrel and watched as the mans black shirt somehow became even darker, the crimson blood merging with the black to form a colour I’d seen one to many times. The stain spread across his chest, seeping from the heart. He dropped to his knees, a pale white hand now obscuring the view of the fresh hole. I lowered my gun and looked up as his hood fell back, our eyes met and I almost threw up. I clutched my stomach with my free hand as my insides twisted around. I couldn’t breath. Those eyes. Those bright green eyes framed by the now over grown ginger hair, just like Maddie’s. The gun fell from my hand.
“George.”
My eyes began to smart and with ragged breath I ran forward, sliding to my knees to catch him as he fell the remaining height. I held him in my arms, feeling his head droop against my shoulder. I wanted to hold him close like I did when we were younger and I had to rock him to sleep, but we weren’t younger now and he wasn’t falling asleep. Oblivious to our surroundings I laid him on the grass, he gripped my shoulder hard not wanting to let go but I had to help. I prised his fingers away and placed his arm on the ground before pulling up his hoodie and tearing open his shirt.
The silky material was sodden with blood; his pale skin glared stark white.
Wiping his torso with my sleeve I began to pump my hands against his chest. 1,2,3,4,5. Stop. 1,2,3,4,5. I was trying to get him breathing but every time I pressed more blood spurted out of the hole. The hole I’d made.
“Alex stop it, you’re not helping him you have to stop.” Jason pulled me back trapping my wrists in his hand. I struggled for a moment, he was only kneeling beside me and still had Maddie in one arm but despite this I couldn’t over power him. I turned to face Jason, my arms tensed in his grip.
“What am I supposed to do?” I gulped, “He’s dying Jason and it’s my fault.” With those words I stopped fighting him; I stopped fighting everything and let the tears flow. Jason let go of my wrists to wipe my damp cheek; his hand hesitated for a minute.
“You don’t think about him, that’s what you do. You think about Maddie and your dad, it’s his fault not yours.”
I nodded not really agreeing and turned back to my brother. Bent over him, my hand supporting his head, we looked at each other.
“George,” I mumbled, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean- I couldn’t-, you were going to shoot him.” The words spluttered out.
“God damn it George, why were you going to shoot him?” George stared at me with pained eyes, he opened his mouth but all that came out was a dribble of blood. I ran my fingers through his hair. It was damp with sweat. His breathing was rough and slow, his eyes fluttering between open and closed, every breath was agony, it was written clear as crystal all over his face. He was in too much pain for anyone, let alone a thirteen-year-old boy. His hand nudged mine and I squeezed it. He held on tight in return his gaze locked on my face. Slowly, his grip became weaker, his breathing slower and what little colour there was in his cheeks before, faded away. His hand went limp in mine.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
wow that was something.
Ilike how your first paragraph opened things up. It was hooking from the begining. You explained it so well I could see it hapening in my mind.
I also like how you got someone who knew him to shoot him. It was unexpected I thought it was maybe a burglar or something. What a shocker.
Apparently He was about to shoot someone else. You didn't mention who and I really don't understand how much of an importance that is that she had to shoot George.It seems really unreasonable. I'm sure there must be a real good reason, let us know!!
It really was a sad ending. I like how you conveyed the emotion of the girl. You showed that she did it with a good purpose without making her look wicked evil.
thanks that was really helpful!
Hey there, Wake!
So, I don't know if this is part of something larger, or a standalone, but I like it either way! As a standalone piece, it encapsulates a short but very interesting scene; if it's part of something larger, I'm definitely interested in seeing more - about George and Maddie and all these people, and why they are all trying to shoot each other.
I really like your first paragraph. Your opening line is brilliant - grabs the reader's attention and dives right into the action with it. You have just the right level of description, although there are a couple of places I would suggest tightening it up a little. For example, "...and watched as the mans black shirt somehow became even darker, the crimson blood merging with the black to form a colour I’d seen one to many times". This is the first place where it feels like you lose the high-speed/high-detail pacing of the thing. I'd be tempted to suggest focusing more on how the man is knocked back by the bullet than on the change of colour that would be hard to see on black.
The realisation of who the narrator has shot is good. I'd be tempted to add a line break between the shooting and the falling back of George's hood, but that's personal preference.
The narrator's reaction to realising it's George is also good - much as it makes me cringe to think of performing CPR on someone with a bullet hole through their heart, I can feel it as the narrator wildly trying anything they can think of.
The big thing that I feel could improve this piece is improvement in the dialogue. The one big thing about dialogue is making it feel natural. This falls very roughly into two areas - is it something the character would say, and is this how they would say it?
To work out if it's something the character would say, think about what the character knows, and what they think the people around them know. For example, in Harry Potter, JKR can have other characters explain magic things to Harry because, having grown up with Muggles, he doesn't know it already - someone explaining the same things to Ron would make less sense. In your piece, an example might be "He's dying, Jason" - Jason can see that quite clearly from the hole in his chest. Perhaps cut this down to something else - "What else do I do? He can't die! Look what I've done!" or something.
To work out if this is how the character would say it, I like to recommend reading the lines aloud. If you're into acting, try acting out the scene with yourself perhaps. If the lines don't roll off your tongue well, they won't flow nicely for the reader, either.
I'd also suggest paying attention to the grammar within your dialogue. "Alex stop it, you're not helping him you have to stop." is a good line, but without any kind of pause (a fullstop, comma, or dash - ) between "helping him" and "you have", it feels off. You don't have to have perfect English in dialogue - because that's not how people speak - but it helps to remember how the punctuation that's there will affect what people 'hear' in their heads.
Overall, I like this a lot. If there's anything you want to talk about further, or questions you have (or if you'd like me to go typo- and grammar-slip-hunting), feel free to message me, or come find me in chat.
Happy writing!
Cadi x
Thanks so much Cadi! This is really helpful and I completely understand what you're saying especially with the dialogue. I'm going to go back and re-write some parts now keeping in mind what you have said- I am sure it will help!
Amazingly written! Well done!
Wow, so much detail...
is that a good thing???