“I’m trapped.” I sighed, my voice lathered with regret.
“No you’re not.” My little brother Jack stated, his eyebrows knitted in confusion. I shook my head, half smiling.
“Not literally you dimwit. Metaphorically.” Jack bit his lip worried by a word he didn’t understand. We were sitting on my bed, crossed legs, by the window. I traced my fingers along the dark pink swirls printed on the innocently white cover of my duvet. Too innocent.
“It means… something that’s not real. Something in your mind.” I tried to explain to no avail.
“I know I’m not really trapped, but I feel that I am.” I continued. Jack nodded slowly, deep in thought.
“So it’s like a cage in your head?” he asked. I thought about this image, I didn’t like it very much, the thought of being locked in my own mind but the more I pondered it the more I saw what he was getting at. I smiled without happiness.
“Pretty much, yeah.” I agreed, “Only the cage is created by things from the outside world. You know, things that I see and hear.”
Jack looked up at me inquisitively. Eyes too smart for someone so young. I could practically hear the cogs turning in his brain as I watched him think. I presumed he was debating whether or not to ask me what was on his mind. I looked away from him, diverting my eyes attention to my cubbyhole room. I stared aimlessly at the posters covering the pale pink wall behind my bed; I too was wondering whether I wanted him to ask his question. After studying the curling corners of each poster there was, I turned back to Jack. He was still looking at me. I raised one eyebrow as if to say well? He took a deep breath and came out with it,
“What sort of things do you see and hear?” I looked into his golden eyes and huffed knowing now I would have to answer him.
“Things that shouldn’t be there.” I said simply, not wanting to burden his harmless soul with the knowledge that tortured my thoughts daily.
I wished I could go on, talk about how this quiet little village was holding me a prisoner in my own mind. I wanted to say the things I constantly had running through my head. The feeling that something’s not quite right. I yearned to show him all the images I’ve seen, popcorn crushed into a pavement where no cinema is near by. The unmistakable sound of a door swinging on its hinges where no door stands. And ones I dare not voice for fear they will reveal the reason I am trapped. I want to whisper to him how I’m chained to this place by the unknown mystery that I don’t want to solve yet I know is my only escape.
He’s only five. So I don’t.
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139,664 Literary Works • 672,645 Reviews
Some grammer mistakes, and a few punctuation errors, but I very much enjoyed the read. It was relatable, I believe, which draws the reader in, and I liked the way you began your piece. It was interesting, and made one want to learn more. The one thing that really caught me was the way the dialogue was worded, like it was on a higher level, a mental state. There are many things in life that can be seen that way, and I respect that you put in the effort to right a story about such.
Well done!
It's a nice story. However you need to improve on these things:
1. Grammar and punctuation.
On numerous occasions you have replaced the comma before the inverted commas (in the direct speech) with a full stop and hence, you have capitalized the next word after the dialogue which is wrong. Plus, the sixth paragraph contains a grammatical glitch which you need to correct. Remember, grammar is an essential part of a written work as it can sometimes change the whole meaning of a part in the writing. So, be careful.
2. Element of Interest.
You really need to work on this problem because your story lacks in it. To be a good writer, you have to transfix the reader so that he reads each and every single word, not scrolls down to quickly get over with it. Try adding this ingredient to your writing.
3. Strong Plot.
Your story doesn't have a really good plot. It feels that you had written this story halfheartedly because you've added no strong characters, no powerful scenes or events or twists or any kind of climax.
This writing needs a lot of betterment, so try to cover up your mistakes as soon as possible
Hello!
I love this story!
So sweet and simple, although, I think you could've set the setting more vividly?
Maybe a bunch of stuffed animals around the room? Jewelry? Clothing?
And I love the ending, I would think Jack would be at least 8 or 9, to sound so smart.
But he's only five.
GREAT JOB AND KEEP WRITING!!
Heya!
I liked the abstract atmosphere of this text. The mystery is nice, when you only hint at what you're getting at. What I get in my mind isn't clear images of what's bothering your main character, rather, I get these disjoined flashes of emotions. Which I like, not to worry. That's what I meant with the abstract feel I mentioned before.
As for your grammar, I noticed one tmistake that ran through the enirety of the text. Nothing too big, be assured, but something that will annoy the shuck out of anyone who adores grammar.
When you make someone say something, you should end the last sentence they say with a comma, if afterwards you write "he said" or "she sighed" and so on. Examples talk more sense than I do, so here you have one:
"“Things that shouldn’t be there.” I said simply..."
The period after 'there' should be a comma.
However if you would merely write: "Things that shouldn't be there." and leave it at that, you'd use a period. To recap: when you explicitly show who's talking and how, using words like 'said', 'asked', 'sighed', 'pointed out', the quotation ends with a comma; when you just have the bare quotation, then a period suffices.
I hope that made sense, my thoughts are in a bit of a jumble at the moment. Do PM me if you're confused.
Other than that, I liked your style of writing. It's well paced, with interesting descriptions to spice things up and create a fitting backdrop to the events. Your last line is great; it invokes strong thoughts and accentuates the severity of the main character's discomfort. Well done.
Good, solid writing. Keep writing!
Your's truly,
|Life|
Hi, first of all I just want to say that this was really well written and the idea behind it is good. The only complaint is that it is short! The brother and sister are so close in this story but I can also understand the elder sister as she feels trapped yet can not fully explain herself to her younger brother who remains almost ablivious to the whole situation. She is with him and yet at the same time she is alone because he does not fully understand what she goes through. The description was quite good also and you didn't overdo it either as sometimes people can get a bit caught up in description and forget everything else.