The grass had just been trimmed, the horizontal lines of the two different shades pathed the way to her gravestone. My feet pressed down against the ground leaving small patches on the wet grass. I couldn’t help but notice the broken stems cut off just below the flower as the vicious blades did their job. They were merciless, leaving only the single squished daisy hidden in the corner of a monument to hint at what used to be.
I’m still a strong believer of leaving graveyards alone. My grandmother used to say that if any of us dared to cremate her then her ghost would haunt us till the day we joined her. She believed that when you died you should be returned to the earth so nature can take over. If you cut the grass, you’re cutting away at the life growing from the dead. You’re killing what should be left alone.
I watched as the ground beneath my feet went from grass to soil, freshly scattered with seeds. I stopped and looked to the end of the rectangular patch and a gentle breath escaped my lips as my eyes took in the pale, unblemished tombstone of my daughter.
Tamzin Rae Jordan
who loved to stargaze
2002-2012
The tears began rolling down my cheeks. They had told me not to come.
‘It’s too soon’ he had whispered in my ear, but I knew I had to be here and the feeling of relief as the tears escaped my body told me I was right.
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"horizontal lines of the two different shades pathed the way" I don't think "pathed" is a word. Try paved maybe? Its obviously not paved but I think that would convey the image.
This is a short piece and not much to be said about it. I certainly feel this could make a great scene in a bigger story but on its one its really nothing more than the descriptive paragraphs we all had to write for English. I would love to see this inserted in a novel maybe though.
Who is our main character? Who is his/her daughter? How did she die? And why did she love to stargaze? And I would really like to know who told our MC not to come? I am guessing a grief counselor?
These are the questions I ask myself as I read this.
Hey Em,
Thanks for the tip about paved. This piece was just a writing exercise we did in a session so it was more of a snippet from what could become a larger piece. I might make it into something longer but at the moment I am working on some other larger projects.
Thanks for the advice,
Wake
Hey there, wakegirl,
I'd like to start by saying that I really like the first half of this piece. The first two and a half paragraphs set up the scene beautifully, and I can really visualise the wet grass and the deathly quiet. I love the use of the grandmother's sayings to illustrate the narrator's feelings as they walk through the graveyard.
However, I wasn't so keen on the second half. The daughter's grave is introduced a little... suddenly? Perhaps if you set up some kind of mood of foreboding or hurt before introducing it, it would feel a bit less abrupt. At the moment, it's a bit "and suddenly daughter", and something about stargazing, which means it's hard for the reader to relate to the character because it comes as a surprise to them. The stargazing could definitely do with expanding if you're going to mention it, because it's drifting a bit freely at the moment, which feels a little weird.
I don't think I have much else to say about this, but if there's anything you'd like me to clarify, or if you'd like me to do a spelling-and-grammar nitpick, please do feel free to message me. (An inbox message is better than a wall post, as I get notified for the former and I don't tend to check my wall that often.)
Happy writing!
Cadi x
Thanks Cadi,
I see what you're getting at about the abruptness of the into of the daughter, I will probably go back to that. The idea of the stargazing makes a lot more sense to me and the original writing group that I wrote this piece in as the aim of exercise was to be inspired by a word and my word was stargazing. I can see how this can seem a bit odd though for someone who doesn't know about the word!