Young Writers Society

Hey there wafflewolf! I'm sound! I'm just here to give your poem a read and give you a review!

I really like all of the ideas and questions you're exploring, but I think because it's very stream-of-consciousness, it feels a little disjointed I guess? Like, you have some great visuals and word pictures to represent what you're feeling and the questions your asking, and then there are some lines where you say it much more outright, without any similies or imagery. I think structure could help with that if you want to do both, but I'm also curious if you could find a way to marry the two?

It would also be cool, though to maybe see the questions like:

Why are people the way that they are?
Why can't people commit?
Why don't people care?
Why are my expectations of myself so high when others can't be bothered to pitch in every so often?

Aligned left or something and/or italicized? Just something to tell the reader there's a change. And to kind of section, it off.

I do like the discussion on the expectations of people put on you [or the speaker] being a cause for circular thoughts and anger - rightfully so because those things can be stressful, along with others kind of dumping stuff on you, it sounds like. And you've got some interesting images to go with that - the boiling water, in the beginning, the vipers for the "poisonous" people, the volcano, and the bomb. There is a little disconnection for me between the snakes and the boiling and volcano stuff, but that might just be me!

And these people are poking me with a stick.

I really really like this as an ending line, but I think it kind of threw me off because I'm so accustomed to seeing this saying used in reference to like, an animal? Like either a caged animal, or like the "poking the bear" saying. I mean, I get how with some types of bombs I'm sure poking at it wouldn't help lol, but I wonder if it'd be possible to maybe switch up some of the imagery and make it more animal related to make it feel more... idk, natural? I know that's based on my personal preference, so it's up to you! You could also potentially - if you do want to stick with the bomb idea in contrast to a volcano - just say you're like a ticking time bomb? And time is running out? Or that they're lighting a match to your wick (I think that's the word for the little string that pokes out of it lol). But as usual! Those are just suggestions!

I'm also wondering - there doesn't seem to be a really strong established cadence or like, rythm at which to read the poem at, and I think a part of that has to do with the wide variation in line lengths and the lack of sectioned off stanzas or structure. I think it might be cool to see if you could condense some of this to match the number of syllables in each line, or a pattern of syllables in each line? Not that it has to be some super structured poetry like pre-existing named ones (like, idk, a haiku for example or a limeric I think? lol) but yeah. ANYWAYS!!

Overall, I really like the concept, and I think with some added structure this poem could really shine! A lot of your questions have really good clear language and your ideas are really clear, so I'd be excited to see if you decide to do more with it, but if you have any other questions about your poem I'd be more than happy to talk!! I'm no professional poet, so take all of my thoughts with a grain of salt lol, but hopefully this is helpful or gets you thinking at least a little in some way!

I hope you have a good day!!

Hello, wafflewolf7, Shane here for a (hopefully) helpful review of your own, Detonator. Feel free to take my suggestions with a grain of salt; it's your work, after all!

My Overall Thoughts
I enjoyed this poem. It was relatable and easy to follow, while still being thought provoking. Everything fit together pretty nicely. The only things I noticed were more nitpicky, nothing major. Well done!

Spelling/Grammar Issues
The only thing I noticed was in the 11th line, you have "the" where I am assuming you meant "they."

Why do the[y] expect so much of me when they can't bring themselves to pick up their trash?

Format, Pacing, and Syntax
As for the formatting of this piece, I would suggest separating it into stanzas. I felt that the pace was on the faster side, almost a bit rushed. I do think the syntax-the order in which words in each line were arranged-is well thought out. Good job!

Anything Else
Honestly, I can't find many errors in this poem. You are a good writer with a lot of potential. Keep doing what you're doing!

Final Thoughts
As I said, this is a wonderful piece. It's well written and relatable, and it only needs a few quick fixes. I thoroughly enjoyed reading (and reviewing) Detonator, and I look forward to reading more of your work!

Oh, and welcome to YWS, by the way!

~Shane