I opened up my mind and soul
and sent my heart a'flutter.
I shared my hopes and dreams and fears,
trying to clear the clutter.
And when I turned the key,
to set them free,
a song of truth was wrought.
But when you all looked up at me,
you looked like you were shocked.
A long and thick black snake appeared,
slinking like the Devil.
For I had done what I had feared,
in hopes that you would revel.
But your eyes merely watched as it approached,
How foolish of me, a lowly roach,
to place myself beneath your heels.
How did I expect that I would feel?
The snake coiled 'round my neck,
and I made no attempt to run.
For I should have known I'd played my deck,
Standing in the setting sun.
When in the sky rose the pearl,
you spread the news
of the singing girl.
Yes, when the moon itself unfurled,
you spoke only of that little girl,
whispering, spreading rumors of the news,
of the singing girl and her living noose.
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141,311 Literary Works • 674,340 Reviews
Hello there wafflewolf7!
I m Kostia and I am here to give you a brief but hopefuly helpful review for your poem.
First of all I enjoyed reading it and I think overall it is a good poem and that you have a good deal of potential. I can tell that this is a highly emotional piece and I always appreciate it when people publish things like this because I know how hard it can be.
Now to the technical parts. I love your vocabulary it is both simple and delicate, deep with beautiful words and a great deal of imagery which is very importan especially in poetry.
"My favorite part of both imagery and emotion was the following:
The snake coiled 'round my neck,
and I made no attempt to run.
For I should have known I'd played my deck,
Standing in the setting sun."
I really loved that, inmy opinion there are no changes needed here.
Other than that I noticed that you chose rhyming in this poem which fits beautifly but it does have some flaws. For instance:
"I shared my hopes and dreams and fears, " this line doesnt seem to rhyme with any of the lines or words you use in the next verses. Maybe you need to rephrase that somehow.
also:
"to place myself beneath your heels.
How did I expect that I would feel?"
maybe change that to "heel" instead of "heels"
Try to look carefuly for such small mistakes. They can be easily changed and edited.
Overall as I said I liked this poem and keep up the good work!
Hello there wafflewolf7!
I m Kostia and I am here to give you a brief but hopefuly helpful review for your poem.
First of all I enjoyed reading it and I think overall it is a good poem and that you have a good deal of potential. I can tell that this is a highly emotional piece and I always appreciate it when people publish things like this because I know how hard it can be.
Now to the technical parts. I love your vocabulary it is both simple and delicate, deep with beautiful words and a great deal of imagery which is very importan especially in poetry.
"My favorite part of both imagery and emotion was the following:
The snake coiled 'round my neck,
and I made no attempt to run.
For I should have known I'd played my deck,
Standing in the setting sun."
I really loved that, inmy opinion there are no changes needed here.
Other than that I noticed that you chose rhyming in this poem which fits beautifly but it does have some flaws. For instance:
"I shared my hopes and dreams and fears, " this line doesnt seem to rhyme with any of the lines or words you use in the next verses. Maybe you need to rephrase that somehow.
also:
"to place myself beneath your heels.
How did I expect that I would feel?"
maybe change that to "heel" instead of "heels"
Try to look carefuly for such small mistakes. They can be easily changed and edited.
Overall as I said I liked this poem and keep up the good work!
This is really good!
I like how you didn't elaborate too much. You kept this simple, which shows the feeling really well. I also like the rhythm you set. The reader feels the truth of this poem, and doesn't feel rushed or awkward at all. The alternating stanzas also helps the reader to feel the truth of this poem.
Keep up the amazing work! I'm looking forward to other works by you!
Thank you so much!