Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.
Normally, I'd preface this by saying some imaginary scenario to pull you in but not this time. This story is real life. This is an ADULT. You will shortly realize this is a sad story.
She's middle-aged and has short black hair. As a teenager, she was pretty and had long hair. Now, she was smoking a cig every time she was stressed and drank like her life depended on it.
She was irrational and didn't know the value of a dime. She has three kids: an adult, a teen, and a child. The child doesn't like her because she neglects her. The dad's rich but also an alcoholic. He doesn't act like a dad and is usually unavailable.
This isn't about him though. It's about her. Her life felt like it was missing something. She couldn't figure it out, so she filled the void like most of us do. She smoked, she drank, she got tattoos. No one could understand why she did this. She went on a bender for a week. She met with this guy. She had a bad experience with a drug. She almost died. From alcohol. She said she wouldn't drink anymore. She drank again. And again.
She apologized but continued it. I never could understand why. I mean growing up I believed in people who let me down because I loved them. I guess love is why you believe. The kids believe in her somewhat. I mean it's their mom you know. They WANT to believe.
She puts the oldest one down a lot. I think she has regrets in her life that she takes out on her. I think she puts her down so she doesn't have to feel like a shitty mom.
The middle one barely speaks as is and used to be bright and loud. She adjusted to her environment. She used to be my best friend.
The child is traumatized already though young. She just wants her parents to get along. She cannot understand why yet.
On top of it all, she thinks she's a good person. To be fair, no one tells her she isn't. I want to defend her and try and empathize but it's so hard when all you have to show for yourself is the shitty things you do. I don't believe in deep down. I believe your actions make up who you are, it's what people judge and see you for.
She's selfish, boastful, entitled, ungrateful, and somehow a human. It's crazy to me that you can live like that. Saying god-awful things to your kids and then not apologizing for it. She walks around every day thinking she's a good person and a good mom.
(switching to me talking to her)
How can you believe that? You do shitty things to the people in your life that you're supposed to care about the most. You're inconsiderate and a hypocrite. You're upset at your life but chose it. I know better than anyone life is not perfect, but that doesn't give you an excuse to do messed up shit to people. You wanna know why you have no one left? It's the way you treat others. You see them as innocuous. You're confused as to why you're unhappy and I can tell you. It's you. You have this void. It's not the drugs, or the alcohol, or the affairs, or anything that happened to you as a kid. It's YOU. You treat your kids like they are dirt on the bottom of your shoe! You don't even apologize and when you do; there's never any change. You just don't wanna change. You claim you do, but just manipulate others who love you so you don't have to. The only person you've shown compassion to is yourself.
I would just like to think you love them enough to realize for once it's not about you.
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141,364 Literary Works • 674,381 Reviews
Hi there veranet! Atticus here with a review for you.
This is a very effective hook. Not only does it grab the reader's attention, but it conveys the tone of the story -- matter-of-fact, cynical, depressing.So, right off the bat, this story deals with a lot of heavy topics. If it's based on something you're experiencing (or have experienced), I'm sorry that you've had those experiences and hope that life has gotten better for you. As you convey very well in this story, an individual's substance abuse doesn't only affect them, but also everyone around them. The pain the narrator is experiencing in this story is palpable and raw, which makes this a compelling work, as the passion is clear throughout.
Is there perhaps a way you can tell this to the reader that's less literal? Instead of just saying "The dad's rich but also an alcoholic", maybe "The dad has the newest clothes and watches, but his breath always reeks of whiskey". This communicates the same information but in a more interesting way. This goes for other parts of the story as well. While a bit less natural to write descriptively rather than telling the reader things flat-out, it makes for a more involved story by allowing the reader to experience things themselves and come to their own conclusions.
As a suggestion for a way that you could connect the first part (describing the situation) and the second part (a direct address to this mother), maybe you could say something like: "If I could ever confront her, this is what I'd say". This would allow you to keep the story in the same perspective throughout, rather than switching the perspective towards the very end. This, in turn, might make the narration easier to follow, as the reader doesn't have to shift from reading something in third person to something in second person.
I think that's about all I have to say about this! Like I mentioned, if this is based on personal experience, I'm sorry for what you've gone through and hope that you have resources that support you as you navigate. If you don't, know that that help is available; I may not be the best person to talk to as I haven't experienced this, but if you want, you can message me and I can try and help you find some of those resources. Overall, the emotion behind this piece was raw and moving, which made this an enjoyable read. I hope that some of my thoughts were helpful!
Best,
Atticus
Okay, there is a lot to unpack here. First, I see the purpose and intent in each of these sentences. Moms are a person with a lot of influence on the family, more than most can realize. If you get a bad teacher, the whole subject is going to feel wrong. With the subject being life itself, well you've got a lot of grievances there. I realize with a few readings that when you referred to her "missing something" and listing outputs of bad decisions I didn't originally connect that to her missing her family. Not emotionally, but completely letting her family slip by without even taking a real look for connection.
Next, I noticed this part, "she thinks she's a g̶o̶o̶d̶ person." It strips down the low expectation of good, not even great or perfect, to just a person. A person is resembled as imperfect, but at least has emotions. It can either take away the empathy of the narrator or the humanity of this antagonist. It's clear the latter was used because of the attempts to empathize said directly after. This part was powerful and doesn't go unseen.
Last, I want to touch on "you just don't wanna change. You claim you do, but just manipulate others who love you so you don't have to." I felt that one. With a narcissistic parent everything is revolved around them. So, of course, change is out of the question. It shows the stupidity of the parent. Doing more work, and causing more harm, then just doing the right thing.
As far as critiques go, in the first paragraph, you used "she's a middle aged..." then switched up "she was smoking a cig...." and "she was irrational..." This made me think she was dead for a split second and made poor emotion. But, knowing me, I most likely broke the same rule in this review.
The "middle one" was also talked about as the narrator's past "best friend." I felt like it was moved on a little quickly and I'm still wondering what happened, assuming it has something to do with the mother. The mother being a dividing factor among siblings makes my heart ache, so I really want more context.
I did love this work. It takes a lot of understanding and emotional awareness to put this piece together. I don't mean to be insensitive at all during my review. It was beautiful, healing, and it deserves to be seen by more people. Thank you for publishing this.
Hey, first off, thank you so much! This actually isn't about my mother, but it's about a mother. She's related to me, so it feels wrong to say out loud, but the situation often plays in my mind. Definitely wanted to do a storytelling pov, so it worked out. I know this isn't the best work but I had to write a piece about it. I cannot grasp why she does this to her kids.