Young Writers Society

Hello Hello I hope you dont mind me popping in with a small review. I am also aware that is both on the older side and short. However, I wanted to give some of the older pieces some love even if this might not be the most in-depth review. starting off I do like the Vilian she does give a threatening vibe despite the short nature of this piece

Now onto the review itself I don't have much to point out and I will be honest some are a little nitpicky.

"Cold terror paralyzed Luisa to her spot. Ava sat next to her, biting her nails nervously." although it does evoke a good amount of emotion I feel if you describe more of how that terror feels it could create more of an impact here's a quick example. " Cold terror flooded through Luisa like pins and needs trying to paralyze her,"

Now for this one, it's easy to fix all around I'm just confused about whether you meant it be a thought or spoken. " I lost Charles. I lost Braden. I lost my whole town. I’m not going to lose my friends." If it is spoken then all you need is quotation marks if it's a thought go back to the third person and add italics.

This one is more like a second option that might get you closer to the wanted effect. I am not a pro and it could be wrong grammar-wise.
"You…talk…nonsense!” This could be changed slightly since the dots represent trailing off it might not come off as clipped possibly angered words. Here's what I would do."You. Talk. Nonsense!” Since it's a bit jarring it gives a clipped talking through your teeth feel.

For this one, I would just switch the words around. "The deep woman’s voice said." to, "The woman’s deep voice said."

Lastly, I would rephrase this line a little."All around Luisa clapped into a firework-white explosion. She held tight to Ava’s hand, the only soul she could see in the swirl of confusion." The first half could be " Everything was lost in a white firework-like explosion."

Overall this was a fun read keep writing and have you had some water today?

Hi there! This is Orabella, here with a review!

Ooh, what a short but crazy - chapter? Is it called chapter? I think so - this is. We've got so much going on and a new threat is on the loose! Or should I say old threat? It seems like it's happened before... but what exactly?

Now I have so many questions! They said she's done this before, but what did she do? If it's happening again, that means it was stopped at one point too, right? So maybe there's hope to fix whatever she's going to do!

Looks like this Helena Blackrose is a pretty big villain - potentially even more so than Jackson? He's the one the summoned her, but Marie and Ava seem much more afraid of her than they do of him, although that might be because of the limited amount of time on screen he's had so far. Plus, it seems he was probably young and naive when he did so. Ooh, what if Helena is the reason Jackson becomes so evil??! Either way, they're both dangerous, and they both need to be stopped.

I wonder who exactly Ava is, too? What was she doing in the house, and does she hold any significance to the story or another character?

I lost Charles. I lost Braden. I lost my whole town. I’m not going to lose my friends.