Young Writers Society

Hiya vampricone! I'm stopping by with a short review for you tonight!

Compliments
You do a great job of establishing the clown's voice and tone throughout the song! They are very taunting and it's clear they're trying to subtly intimidate the listeners, but it also seems as though they're harboring some resentment against the people who have characterized them as a bad guy. I can imagine them singing "Let’s sing the happy, carefree, stupid clown song!" in a mimicking, bitter tone, as if people have called them stupid before and that's why they call themself stupid now as well. That sort of interpretation is supported by the line - "Yeah,people call me insane. They say I’m a lethal monster."

And the word choice also makes the clown seem sort of flippant! They repeat over and over again that they "don't care", for example, and when they talk about "turning people into dinner" it seems very casual. Of course, that could be changed a lot depending on the presentation of the song! But it makes me wonder if underneath, the clown might not actually be as flippant as they're portraying themself.

I really enjoyed seeing some rhyming here and there - ie "care / beware / scared", in the second stanza and "song / long" in the third one. I don't usually see much rhyming in the songs you write so it's fun to see you playing around with that! I think it adds a lot to the lyrical-ness of the writing, and to how it would sound sung aloud as well. On a similar note, I see you're making use of some song structures; there's a recurring two-stanza chorus, for example, that shows up several times and kind of ties everything together.

Critiques
I like how there's kind of an all-caps climax towards the end of the song. However, I think it would be even more effective if you grew to that point more gradually - like by the end of the first stanza it's already established that we're going to "shed some blood tonight". Especially if this is meant to illustrate a toxic relationship, I would expect the clown to be far more subtle at first to lure people in. And then things start to escalate, until it finally reaches the point that it's clear the clown wants to kill these people, but by this point they've been lured into a sense of false security and can't escape. I think if you could incorporate that sort of progression into your poem, it would really bring it to the next level in terms of representing a toxic relationship!

Other than that I might just encourage a bit more imagery. Right now it's a lot of the clown making very literal statements / directing literal questions at the audience, and I think it would be great to add maybe a bit more gore and horror-related imagery as well!

Overall
This was definitely an intense song to read! You did a fabulous job of portraying the clown's character over the course of the piece, and I agree with Horisun that it was interesting to see the clown's motives/how they got to this evil mindset. It makes them feel a lot more complex and 3D. I also enjoyed your use of song writing conventions (ie rhyme, chorus, etc.)! The main point for improvement would be working on more explicitly conveying a toxic relationship through the clown's actions, and maybe incorporating a bit more gore imagery as well!

Best,
Seirre

Hello! I hope you are having a good day or night!
Your poem made me profoundly uncomfortable, which I imagine is what you were going for! I felt as though the singer was speaking directly to me, through the screen. By breaking the fourth wall and addressing the audience, you created this layer of fear they wouldn't otherwise have felt.
That said, it often seemed a tad on the nose. The more this clown said things like "I'm going to eat you" and "I'm a monster" the less I believed it. It got to the point where, though I began simply unsettled, I ended feeling vaguely amused, which doesn't seem to be what you, the author intended.
I would suggest, rather than opening with not-so-subtle threats, you ease the reader into creepier imagery, until by the end, the children screaming and music box playing have a greater impact on your audience.
That being said, there were several lines I really liked. My favorite-

I despise humans and they despise me.

All they did was lie, lie, lie to me.

So now, I’m a liar.