Young Writers Society

That was an unfortunate ending for Samara and her mother. I kind of wonder why Samara went to "pack her things" since the instruction from her mother seemed more along the lines of 'run, immediately'. I found it interesting that the mother continued her criticism of the family member even though she was being threatened with a knife - it certainly shows her feisty personality and makes her actions at the end make a lot of sense.

All the best with the writing!
-Lim

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Okayy well these stories really have remained as interesting and powerful as ever. This is one of the more brutal forms of death I've seen in one of these although this featured perhaps one of the sweeter moments to be seen at the ending in one of these too.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Alright it has been a while since I've taken a look at some of these origin stories here so I thought I'd dive back into a few of them since they are also pretty intriguing.

Once upon a time, there was a sweet and kind girl named Samara Robinson. She lived happily with her mother.

Until, one day, when a letter arrived. Her mother read the letter fearfully and told Samara to be careful.

Samara didn't understand, but she listened to her mother's advice.

Days had passed since the letter had come. And yet still, a knock came at their door.

Her Mom was nowhere to be found, so Samara opened the door, to answer the peculiar knock.

To her horror, a woman in a vibrant orange cloak, was trapping her Mom in her arms and bringing a knife to her face.

"I told you to give me the money or you and your child dies! I said it clearly in the letter!" The woman shrieked maddeningly, eyes white with shock..or was it evil?

"And I told you that you should earn money by working, not by asking me for money! Samara..don't listen to her. Call help. Then, you RUN. Do you understand me?!" Her Mom asked, eyes having that same crazed quality as the woman, but somehow seeming…nicer?

Samara was scared for her life. This strange woman was going to kill her Mom and she was supposed to RUN?! She was supposed to leave?

"What about you?" Samara asked softly, voice almost a whisper.

"Don't worry about me, just RUN! NOW!" She yelled.

Samara ran upstairs to pack her things, crying. When Samara was safe behind the closed door of her room, she got to work.

And then, she could hear footsteps behind her. Maybe it was her Mom? Did she break free from the woman? Was it all a trick? A bad dream? Was she going to wake up?

She opened the door.

No.

It was the strange woman.

Before she could even scream, the woman grabbed her by her neck, pinned her to the floor and stabbed her more times than anyone could imagine. Her blood pooled the hardwood floors..

Samara woke up somehow knowing deep inside that she was dead. She found her mother standing in the corner of her room, as if she were there all along. Her Mom was entirely blurry black, like a shadow. No features could be made out, except for the rouge blood dripping down her face and her white eyes and white mouth.She had white, electric wings on her back.

Why did her Mom look like a demon?

"It's because I'm sad beyond your understanding. That was a friend, you see. She's going to steal our money, because she has none. She killed us and now she's going to fake her identity and pretend that she's family, so she can have the money and be "the last member of our family who is alive." You don't understand and that's okay. I'll get back at her." Her mother said.

Samara went up to her and hugged her. She had her Mom with her and that was what mattered.

The sweet thing was unaware that on this very night, her mother vowed to haunt and torment her and her daughter's killer, forever, until the day the woman died, so that she could pay for her crimes.

It'd be a fate much worse than death itself. She'd make sure of it.

Because no one would kill her and her child without paying some kind of price.

NO ONE.

This story is very gripping! It has the potential to be an amazing book! But I do feel as though to get the whole story, the audience needs to know what was in the letter. As an origin story I do like it, but maybe trying adding more description just to draw out the story and capture more attention.

"Why did her Mom look like a demon?"

And you could maybe try adding how her mother could read her mind, as it seems a bit strange how she didn't even seem to notice it.

Sorry for the lecture, its over now i promise

Great storyline, I can't wait to read more!

This is a very saddening story.

One thing I would say is that you're using commas in a bunch of places where they shouldn't be. This isn't that big of a deal but when you read it, it becomes confusing. Commas are not just pauses in the story but they also have meaning. Like you use them as appositives. An example is: Monique's new book, Alice in Wonderland, finally arrived in the mail this morning. Where Alice in Wonderland is between the commas is an appositive. It's a describing form where you assume the reader doesn't know what you're talking about. One place in your story you could use this is "To her horror someone, a woman wearing a vibrant orange cloak, was trapping her Mom in her arms and bringing a knife to her face".

Sorry for the English lesson. I hope this helps! Your stories are great so keep up the good work!!

You could try making it a longer story.There is a sense of poignancy here but you could try expounding on it.The characterization of the mother is insightful.The finality of his eternal ordeal is well-felt,even with only one sentence.