Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Once upon a time,there was a man named Noah,who was dating a woman named Moira.They were not "normal" people,however.Noah was a demon,the son of Lucifer,the Devil.But,he came to Earth in the form of a human.Moira was a witch and she already had a daughter,Vanessa,who was ten years old.

They were deeply in love.They dated for a long time.They even had a child together.A little boy.They named him Lucifer,after his grandfather.

One day,when they left the kids with a babysitter,on a date they were having,in a fancy outdoor restaurant,Noah was about to ask for Moira's hand in marriage,but...

...She turned him down.He was confused.She said she found another man,Mark,who would bring her family name to power.That was what she wanted.Power.Not a "silly proposal."

"But...I..I love you.I thought...something was going on between us.We...we had a kid together." Noah said softly.He didn't understand why she had to change her mind now.

Moira snorted.

"But can you bring my family name to power? Nope.Mark is a very wealthy vampire.Me and my daughter are the last two colorful haired witches left.When Mark is around,he'll make us so powerful and wealthy,that after we die,we'll have a legacy and be respected and feared by witches everywhere." Moira said.

"If you love me,then leave me." Moira said.

Noah stared at Moira.She seemed so sure of herself.If that was what she wanted...then he'd leave her.As long as she was happy.

"Goodbye,Moira.I hope you're happy with the life you've chosen." Noah said calmly.

He slapped some money on the table,to pay for the food,threw the ring in a trash can and walked away.

He wouldn't try to pursue her.It was her choice.His heart may have been shattered for into small,itty,bitty pieces,but that didn't mean he had an excuse to change her mind.

As if breaking up with her wasn't as bad,he never got to see his son again.Moira took custody of him.It didn't hurt him as much when he wasn't allowed to see Vanessa,but..not being allowed to see the kid he had with her? That hurt a thousand times more.

It was a good thing he had an excellent memory,because if he didn't,he'd forget that he HAD a child.

It hurt Noah every day that he could no longer be in Moira's life.He convinced himself that it was worth it,as long as she was happy,right?

Right?

Hello! Here to kick this out of the Green Room!

'Once upon a time,there was a man named Noah,who was dating a woman named Moira.They were not "normal" people,however.Noah was a demon,the son of Lucifer,the Devil.But,he came to Earth in the form of a human.Moira was a witch and she already had a daughter,Vanessa,who was ten years old.' - All of these sentences are very similar in length and punctuation, which makes it read quite clunky. Try to mix up sentence lengths, and not so many commas. Also spacing between punctuation.

'One day,when they left the kids with a babysitter,on a date they were having,in a fancy outdoor restaurant,Noah was about to ask for Moira's hand in marriage,but...' - again, lots of commas. This could be tidied up. Something like this - 'On one particularly special date night, they left the kids with the babysitter and spent a romantic evening at a fancy outdoor restaurant. It was time. Noah asked Moira for her hand in marriage.'

'We...we had a kid together.' - why past tense? 'Have' a kid together. Unless it is supposed to sound detached.

I've read a few of these backstories and they are told very starkly. All telling and no showing. I don't know if these are just quick little snippets or are supposed to be stories of their own. But if its the latter, they could be fleshed out a lot more so that the reader feels something by the end. I know I don't know these characters from your other work, but it would be good to feel some sort of connection which would then interest me enough to check out the work and see how all these characters' lives slot together.

Hope this helps!

Hey! Forever here with a review!!

This was a very interesting origin story. We didn't really get sny new information from this but this was quite fun to read.

First and foremost, I guess I pointed out a section in some other origin story which was described from this Noah's POV. I think that could be very easily included here. Probably it was about the Devil's and Noah's conversation. Just include that and then seperate the two sections by some asterisks or whatever.

Anyway, Noah seems to be genuinely worried and is very depressed about his and Moira's breakup. I very much dislike how Moira chased fame in day and night. I still feel irritated to think how she turned against all my assumptions. Ha... This is why it's wrong to make any assumption.

One thing which I would really like to know is if Moira knew the identity of Noah. I mean that that he was a devil and all. I don't see any reason why she should say no even after knowing he was a devil but just a bit curious. It's kind of ironic how her ideas were very devilish and yet she got a good devil husband.

Ah it was cruel of her to turn him down. I really feel sorry for Noah. He really loved Noah and we can get the proof of that from the fact that he left Noah after she told she would like to marry another person. Anyway, my present worry is about the fact that Noah doesn't really know the present condition of Moira. It be really good if he could come and get some news about Moira. He could be the rescuer in the case. Overall, it was yet another good read.

Keep Writing!!

~Forever