*Anthony Edison is a character from my story:”Eloise-the demented doll woman.” You can look at pictures of him on my wall.
In the 1960s, there was a man named Anthony Edison. He was married to Helena Edison and had one four year old daughter named Esmerèe Edison, but most people called her Esmè, so they wouldn’t have to say such a long name.
Anthony loved his daughter, but Helena…Helena didn’t. He would ask her why and she’d say it’s because she never wanted kids or him.
“So why did you marry me?! Why are you still here?!” He asked her furiously.
“What do you think, stupid?!” She asked sharply.
Then, he realized it.
She only married him for money. She was still here for money.
Anthony wanted to, but he didn’t divorce her. He didn’t know how much it would hurt Esmè and he’d rather suffer than have her be upset. Esmè never seemed to hate Helena. She seemed alright with her. If Esmè was alright, then so was he.
Just to make her happy, he took Esmè to the circus. He watched as Esmè smiled and had so much fun. She even met a “nice lady”, as Esmè called her. But Anthony knew who she was. The woman was “ Leona” and she owned the circus. She owned the whole thing.
Esmè kept begging him to take her. Anthony did, because he wanted Esmè to be happy, even though he wasn’t happy with his marriage.
One day, at the circus, Leona asked them to follow her.
He didn’t trust her, but Esmè seemed to like her. Maybe he could like her too. Maybe he could tolerate Leona just as he tolerated Helena.
They followed her.
The next thing they knew, they were snake people. Humans with the scales, eyes, teeth, and many more traits of a snake.
Leona got Helena to look at them and with no surprise to Anthony, Helena took one look at them and deemed them ugly.
That wasn’t all. No, that sneaky ringmaster had more up her sleeve.
Leona forced him to watch as she locked Esmè in a cage, like an animal. A monster.
Leona pushed him out.
He tried to save Esmè, he really did, but Leona zapped (zapped? Was he going mad or was Leona a witch?) him out of the circus. Every time he tried to get in, he’d be zapped out.
“What did you do?!” He asked Leona, for she had stepped out of the circus grounds and watched him, grinning her bright, white, showgirl smile.
“I cast a spell around this circus. Every time you’ll try to get in, you’ll be zapped out.” Leona said. (So he wasn’t going mad. She really was zapping him out of the circus).
“Why? Why are you doing this?” Anthony asked her quietly, because he never understood why Helena became so cruel (She seemed decent before Esmè. Or maybe that was all a lie. He wasn’t sure of anything anymore) and if anything, he wanted to know, just why was Leona like this?
“Why did I curse you and Esmè to be snake people? So I could have freaks. Why did I separate you from your daughter? Because I wanted to. Why did I trap her and freeze her age until someone saves her? Because…she deserves to feel the pain I felt when I was growing up.” Leona said, laughing humorlessly at him.
Freaks? Was that all she cared about? More freaks? This was all a lie? He shouldn’t have been surprised, places like this always lied. That was part of the fun, the lies. The lies made people smile and laugh. That’s why it was a circus.
Yet still, his head swam with instantaneous feelings of anger, betrayal, but most of all…desperation. Could he ever save Esmè? Would he able to break his curse? If somehow he and Esmè were reunited, would he trust anyone anymore?
Would Esmè even recognize him? Or would she cry? Would she fear him? Would she run away back into her cage, just so she couldn’t be around his repulsiveness? Would she die of fright? Starvation? Forced to perform foolish tricks for a cackling crowd of thoughtless, emotionless humans?
Anthony didn’t want to show her any sign of vulnerability of him, but he couldn’t hide it. It was all too horrible, the curse that came upon him and Esmè. (He wasn’t just talking about the snake curse).
“Whatever you felt growing up isn’t even close to what Esmè will feel now!” Anthony yelled, voice cracking from pushed down tears. How could she even do this to his little girl? Trap her in a cage..lock her away…forever?
“Whatever. It’s not like you can do anything about it.” She said calmly.
She walked back into the glittering lights of the circus. Anthony slinked into the dark forest surrounding the circus, for he couldn’t be out here too long, lest Leona come back and trap him too. (He was certain that she would place him in a cage far, far from his little angel).
He’d come back, though. For Esmè. He wouldn’t let her down. He would never let her down. He promised to her, from the day that she was born, that he would do his part to protect her from the wicked evils of the world, and if that meant spending his life trying to break an invisible barrier in a cursed circus in order to save her, then so be it.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,797 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Okayy...so I've been through a few of these now...and they are always pretty to the point and fun to read. This is no exception...Anthony does offer a few extra details that we couldn't really see from Esmè's view and quite interesting, this is perhaps the only one I've seen that ends on a more hopeful note that even though the odds are basically zero, this is someone who won't give up and may eventually suceed.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Oh wow, well kicking things off with some fireworks already here. We've got a mother who doesn't care for the child at all and has married in just for money and power which is sadly all too believable...aaand well its clearly not a great environment to be growing up in although it does appear that Esmè's father did do his best to make sure that wasn't felt too harshly for here.
Well...now that we're seeing this connection here with why the father did what was necessary for poor Esmè to have some sort of joy in life and then of course that horrible deception by this Leona character, now I suppose what happens next with the mother turning away both of them is certainly not a surprise since we know what sort of character this mother happens to be.
Ahh, so that's what happened to him and why poor Esmè ended up suffering all that time on here own trying to escape and do something before feeling. It seems Anthony is just going to be attempting to save his daughter for eternity but be unable to save here, well that's a horrible fate.
The most hopeful ending yet for one of these...and this one ends up being an especially short one here. I think you could probably try and pad things up a little more for it with some more descriptions of the circus' other areas, but I think you do a good job with the main points of focus and we've gotten some nice extra insight here with the story from the father's point of view also being revealed to us now.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: This was a fun read as these always tend to be...and I think you're doing a great job with these so far with presenting all these different viewpoints on the same situation an always keeping it pretty fresh somehow. Anyway that's all I have to say for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi there it’s @BeingRivy,
I agree that you need to do more showing, not telling based on the previous response by Anamel. But I think that this plot has some potential with Leona (the antagonist) and their husband and wife being together again.
I like this plot being In a story. Maybe you can give Leona powers of brainwashing or hypnosis or something like that. It remind me of Disney’s animated movie “The Jungle Book” (mowgli and the snake part).
I don’t know what else to add, though, but this seems like a great story.
From, @BeingRivy .
Thanks.I%u2019ve got on origin story for Leona if you want to check it out.
You've clearly stated the intentions of the characters and what their motives are, which is good, but you do much more telling instead of showing. It's difficult for a reader to grow attached to a character or care about their hopes and struggles when their situations are glossed over and compacted into only a couple sentences. It would also help the reader paint a better picture of what's going on through descriptions of the scenery, mentioning subtle facial expressions or bodily movements of the characters, and their appearances.
In the first sentence when you mention once upon a time, you could also give the reader a few details about the town/city they live in. The time period would be able to be figured out by the clothes they're wearing or their speech mannerisms. I'd assume this story might be set in the 1900's but the thing is, I don't know for sure because it was never hinted or stated. It also makes the characters feel a bit one dimensional to have no deeper reasons behind their actions. The mother is depicted as a cliche villian, only doing bad things just because she's a bad person. The reader might feel a little more sympathy for her or acknowledge why she's a messed up person. You mentioned she did this because she felt pain growing up, but what sort of pain? Also, is it possible her parents could've forced her into this marriage or heavily encouraged her/threatened her to because of the money it would bring into their family?
Yes,those are possibilities.I%u2019m going to be giving the mother an origin story as soon as I have enough coins,so we hear her perspective of the story.