Oh that's a sad story! It leaves me wondering the same question as Helen. I like that you built up the children's personalities a bit even in such a short story - I can tell Helen's quite a bit more trusting and naive than John.
*Helen and John are characters from my stories: “Ghost House: part two” and “Hector’s story-Ghost House”. Gacha Club character designs are on my wall. Enjoy!*
Once, in the year 1933, two six years old named Helen and John, brother and sister, were standing on their town bridge, smiling and pointing at the ships that went by. They knew that they weren't supposed to go out unless they were with their parents, but...
But they wanted to be out and about! Where they lived, there were so many fun stores and fairs! And they wanted to see all of them!
Even if it meant breaking the rules.
But then again, the rules never meant anything to them.
Helen and John at the moment were having quite a ball watching the boats pass by. Who knew that so many people would be on them?
“What are you kids doing?" A man asked from behind them. He put both hands on each of their shoulders.
"Nothing, just looking at the boats.” Helen said. John didn’t like talking to strangers, but Helen knew that he was nice. His name was Alastor. He was their neighbor and he always gave Helen candy.
"Do you like looking at the water? Can you swim?" Alastor asked.
"No, silly!" Helen giggled. Really, he asked the silliest questions!
John looked a little scared. Like he wanted to run away. He shouldn’t be scared, Alastor was nice.
So why was he gripping their shoulders so tightly?
"Well, that's too bad, because you're going to have to." He said roughly.
Helen’s eyes went wide. For the first time in her life, she was at a loss for words. He always spoke gently.
Something wasn’t right.
Helen clasped John’s hand, about to run away, but-
Alastor pushed them off the bridge.
She screamed as she held onto John’s hand, the world around her fading away. The air was pushing her down. Helen felt the air pushing her down.
The blue ocean slammed into their bodies. It didn’t lap lovingly at them like it always did at the beach. It slammed into them.
Why did Alastor do it? Helen thought as she sank down below, never letting go of John’s hand.
…………………………………………..
Legend has it that two children white eyes and watery tears haunt the Oakley Bridge, scaring people into turning back. They say that the siblings don’t want anyone on the bridge.
Oh that's a sad story! It leaves me wondering the same question as Helen. I like that you built up the children's personalities a bit even in such a short story - I can tell Helen's quite a bit more trusting and naive than John.
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Well this was quite the little tale. A somewhat wholesome, somewhat haunting story this one. Its a somewhat rare mix to run into in one of these stories and I think yet it manages to deliver a punch that's just as effective and convey its message quite well.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Once, in the year 1933, two six years old named Helen and John, brother and sister, were standing on their town bridge, smiling and pointing at the ships that went by. They knew that they weren't supposed to go out unless they were with their parents, but...
But they wanted to be out and about! Where they lived, there were so many fun stores and fairs! And they wanted to see all of them!
Even if it meant breaking the rules.
But then again, the rules never meant anything to them.
Helen and John at the moment were having quite a ball watching the boats pass by. Who knew that so many people would be on them?
“What are you kids doing?" A man asked from behind them. He put both hands on each of their shoulders.
"Nothing, just looking at the boats.” Helen said. John didn’t like talking to strangers, but Helen knew that he was nice. His name was Alastor. He was their neighbor and he always gave Helen candy.
"Do you like looking at the water? Can you swim?" Alastor asked.
"No, silly!" Helen giggled. Really, he asked the silliest questions!
John looked a little scared. Like he wanted to run away. He shouldn’t be scared, Alastor was nice.
So why was he gripping their shoulders so tightly?
"Well, that's too bad, because you're going to have to." He said roughly.
Helen’s eyes went wide. For the first time in her life, she was at a loss for words. He always spoke gently.
Something wasn’t right.
Helen clasped John’s hand, about to run away, but-
Alastor pushed them off the bridge.
She screamed as she held onto John’s hand, the world around her fading away. The air was pushing her down. Helen felt the air pushing her down.
The blue ocean slammed into their bodies. It didn’t lap lovingly at them like it always did at the beach. It slammed into them.
Why did Alastor do it? Helen thought as she sank down below, never letting go of John’s hand.
Legend has it that two children white eyes and watery tears haunt the Oakley Bridge, scaring people into turning back. They say that the siblings don’t want anyone on the bridge.
Heyhey!
This story is quite intriguing and mysterious and I absolutely love it! The fact that you also wrote about the legend at the end gives this story a deep realistic feeling to it, which makes it even more interesting. I've noticed that in your stories you go back a lot to old ages which I happen to find fascinating, that also makes sure that your stories seem both realistic and mysterious.
*
Once, in the year 1933, two six years old named Helen and John, brother and sister, were standing on their town bridge, smiling and pointing at the ships that went by. They knew that they weren't supposed to go out unless they were with their parents, but...
*
To attract readers you need a very good introduction, and that you definitely have. After reading this, I was completely sucked into the world of this story.
You have a very big imagination and I can read all about it in your incredible stories. Your use of words is very precise and adds at some scenes a suspenseful layer to it. The attention to detail is very impressive. The names you chose for your characters aren't really rare, but they just fit with the story and are in some way unique. And the story isn't too long, but rather short and amazing.
You've mixed up a very fascinating potion that contains the ingredients mystery, suspense, intrigue and not to forget incredible. Such a story is not very common, yet very weird and different, and that is what I love.
Your work is a piece of art! Keep on doing what you do!
"Art is visible in many ways- some see it, some read it"
-Rose
118,058 Literary Works • 639,060 Reviews
Points: 26855
Reviews: 473
Donate