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Young Writers Society


12+ Violence Mature Content

Crystal’s story-Eloise the demented doll woman

by vampricone6783


*Only three more origin stories to go.You can look at Gacha Club character designs on my wall.As always,enjoy this origin story!

Once, there was a young girl named Crystal Everlane. She and her family moved into a new house. It was in a town called:"Nightmare Hill."

Crystal and her family were just unpacking their stuff, when, suddenly, Crystal decided to go outside and explore, even though she wasn't supposed to. She was ten. She didn't care about the rules.

When she was outside, she found a blond mannequin in a black dress lying on the ground.

Crystal thought nothing of it, but suddenly, the mannequin moved!

"Hi there!  Would you help me turn into a human?  My name is Eloise, what's yours?"  The mannequin asked, smiling. Her smile reached her eyes a bit too much for Crystal’s liking.

She was shocked and confused. Why was a mannequin...talking to her?

She backed away from her, about to run, but Eloise grabbed her and yelled:

"NOT SO FAST, KIDDO!"

Everything went blurry after that.

.......................................................

Crystal woke up lying on the cold ground of  what looked to be the backroom of a boutique (because of all the clothes and sewing equipment) but she couldn't tell.

Eloise was smiling. She seemed to be standing right next to her.

"What did you do to me?!"  She screamed.

"I placed a curse on you, little one."  Eloise said calmly, as if she had done this kind of thing before. (Did she?  Crystal had no way of knowing).

"What?"  Crystal asked.

"If you go near your family, you'll turn them all into dolls."  Eloise said.

"But how am I supposed to be with my family?!  Why did you curse me?!"  Crystal asked, practially screeching her words out in all the panic she was in.

"They think you're dead. I'm not answering your other question, because it's none of your business. The good thing is, you're living with me for the rest of your life."  Eloise smiled too widely.

"Yeah, good thing."  Crystal mumbled, dreading an eternity with this insane low-budget horror villain.

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701 Reviews

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Thu Jan 20, 2022 4:49 am
ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Hey! Forever here with a review!!

Okay so this kind of felt similar to another origin story of Lycidas. I don't think we got to see a lot of important things here but this was quite interesting to some extent. Let's get into the review!!

Oh well, we did get to see a few things. I guess I heard the keyword "doll" and somehow it's related to this story. I didn't know that this was the case. What does she have to do with making people turn into dolls though? I couldn't reason it very well. Does she want the whole world to be a haunted place or something? Perhaps. No one really know what she wants except herself. I am afraid that she somehow has been captured by a curse herself or perhaps... her head has gone deranged. Hm... I am never going to know what the real thing was. The fact that this question was deliberately avoided interests me more to explore and know it more.

How will they really know that Crystal is dead? Will Eloise place some sort of curse on them too? Or will she use some other form of magic to keep all of them in an illusion sort of thing. I am very interested to know what exactly will be going to happen in their mind. It would be fun to see an origin story written from the perspective of some parent and how do they exactly see this incident(the disappearance, I mean). Do they not think that their child has only disappeared and will come back soon? Ha... sad.

It's intriguing that Crystal is going to stay with Eloise for the rest of her life. I wonder if the other children who she cursed too stayed with her. And does this curse have any other effect except what is already mentioned? Probably. Will the children be at least able to converse amongst themselves? I ardently hope that they will be able to do that. That's all.I really enjoyed reading it.

Keep Writing!!

~Forever




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Wed Jan 19, 2022 1:06 am
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Once upon a time,there was a ten year old girl named Crystal Everlane.She and her family moved into a new house,it was in a town called:"Nightmare Hill."

Crystal and her family were just unpacking their stuff,when,suddenly,Crystal decided to go outside and explore,even though she wasn't supposed to.She was ten.She didn't care about the rules.

When she was outside,she found a blond mannequin in a black dress,lying on the ground.

Crystal thought nothing of it,but suddenly,the mannequin moved!

"Hi there! Would you help me turn into a human? My name is Eloise,what's yours?" The mannequin said,smiling.Her smile didn't reach her eyes.

Crystal was shocked and confused.Why was a mannequin...talking to her?

She backed away from her,about to run,but Eloise grabbed her and yelled:


Oooh...well this is kicking off quite fast here. I've no idea if maybe this is one of the first attacks that Eloise happened to do when in this form of hers, especially considering this girl seems to have never heard of her, but then this is a pretty young girl, so there might be something to do with that going on here. On the whole though, this is a pretty exciting opening right here.

"NOT SO FAST,KIDDO!"

Everything went blurry after that.

.......................................................

Crystal woke up in what looked like to be the backroom of a boutique,she couldn't tell.

Eloise was smiling,standing right next to her.

"What did you do to me?!" She screamed.

"I placed a curse on you,little one." Eloise said.

"What?" Crystal asked.

"If you go near your family,you'll turn them into dolls." Eloise said.


Okayy..this is a little bit confusing there. Well, the whole terror situation and waking up in a boutique is one thing but it seems oddly as if Eloise is being rather kind to this girl here, sure there's the whole terrible curse thing and whatnot we saw earlier with the other boy but I was expecting her to be a little bit harsher in her words than this....hmm, at any rate an interesting development there.

"But how am I supposed to be with my family?! Why did you curse me?!" Crystal asked,screaming.

"They think you're dead.I'm not answering your other question,because it's none of your business.The good thing is,you're living with me for the rest of your life." Eloise said.

"Yeah,good thing." Crystal mumbled sarcastically.


Alright...we're ending on some attitude on display from poor Crystal, that's an odd personality to project there given she's a pretty young girl that has just been cursed with never being able to go near her family again. You'd expect her to react with a bit more horror and sadness as opposed that sarcastic remark there. Other than that, a powerful and devastating ending as always...and well, this time I think you did a decent capturing most of the things you needed to here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry






Thanks for reviewing.

So this girl comes after she gets Lycidas.Crystal does escape her though,it%u2019s going to take years.She%u2019s an adult when she does.Lycidas also escapes,but that%u2019s in the actual story.



KateHardy says...


You're Welcome!!

Ooooh, I really should read the main stories at some point :D




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