a little girl
sits in her room.
she's hidden under the bed
she doesn't want him to find her.
she can hear his footsteps
as he walks into the room.
she hears the squeak of the door
and cringes.
she starts to shiver
as he walks around the room
looking in the closet
and behind the door.
He stops by her bed
and bends down.
she looks up to see his eyes
eyes that hold no love or remorse
He grabs her arm
and throws her across the room.
she tries to cover herself
But it doesn't help.
bruises still appear and blood is shed.
He laughs as he leaves
and the little girl lays on the floor.
she silently cries
and curls into a ball.
asking herself how her life ended up like this.
She's not a little girl
she a young lady.
who took the wrong path in life
she fell in love with a boy.
She thought he cared
how wrong she was.
Everyone told her to leave him
but she never did.
Her parents threatened her
saying she was just a little girl.
who didn't know what she wanted
that she was too young to love.
she didn't listen.
she ran away with the boy
but look how it ended.
she thought he would give her everything
but all she got was bruises and blood.
She now regrets not listening to them.
she wished she had stayed
with the ones that truly loved her.
she wished she had remain with them
as their little girl.
she is a little girl no more.
she gave away her innocence.
the day she walked out that door
and choose him over them.
her own family was betrayed.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,008 Literary Works • 672,832 Reviews
I like this and the basic idea, there are just a couple of things.
First off, it felt like the poem was divided about half-way...I'm not completely sure why, but I think the rhythm just sort of changed. There were also a few lines that seemed repetitive of others. Still, I think this is really good and the way the poem developed was really cool. Originally I'd thought she was a girl being abused by her father and then I realized that it was a grown woman being abused, yet her childlike weakness remained. Overall, I thought this was really good.
I liked this too, but I felt that you need some punctuation, even if you only use periods because I had difficulty distinguishing one idea from another.
Secondly, you had some grammar errors:
All in all this was pretty good. One last suggestion, in agreement with kingolions, is to break it up a bit into stanzas or something to make it easier on the eyes.
Keep on writing!
Toodles!
~emerley
Hey. Firstly, (and I know this contradicts your name, but) I really liked this poem. It didn't have a rhyming scheme, but poetry doesn't have to have one. Some times it makes it worse if it is a forced rhyme. I like how you portrayed the person as a little girl, who didn't listen to others. I think it had a great effect.
There is only one thing I didn't really like. (And this may be because it is just me) Half way through, the poem changed completely. It changed from the pain and anguish of what the person was feeling, to suddenly what they were told. I think it may have been better if it was separated into two or three section. Also visually, it sometimes throws people off, and they feel like they can't be bothered reading something so long.
But other than that, (and unlike I said others may feel) I really liked it. Thanks for the read.