Haiku
The brightest colors
Illuminate light to me,
Such brilliant blooms.
Tanka
Soft waves carry me,
Blues and greens paint my eyesight,
And I am at home.
Water rushes over me,
Filling my heart with content.
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Hey, unluminescent! cleverclogs here for a review!
So I've noticed in some of your responses to other reviews, you keep mentioning that everything is the way it is in these poems because of the haiku/tanka structure. To quote:
I think that that goes against the spirit of haiku (and tanka, I guess). You're acting like the syllable count is restricting your poem from being greater, but the point of a haiku is to pull readers in and make them mesmerized by those three short lines. The syllable count shouldn't be an excuse for a "lack of stronger adjectives", but rather a guideline. It should encourage you to make the most of your few words, rather than settling for something lesser because the syllables won't let you expand more. Maybe that was all a little confusing, so I'll try to summarize: Don't let the syllable count for the haiku limit its beauty; haiku are meant to be meaningful despite those rules.
Also, about the haiku: It's not really a haiku. Yes, it follows the syllable limit, but that's arguably the least important element of a haiku. I don't really think there's much that can be done in this poem without basically scrapping the whole thing, but if you want some more information on why this is, here's a lovely article about it:
How to (not) write a haiku
I also agree with ChocolateCello on the use of "illuminate". The definition of "illuminate" is "light up", so you can't illuminate anything to something, but you can illuminate something. For instance:
This is wrong.
This would be correct. You just need to tweak it to fill the syllable blah-de-blah, which I have total faith in you to do.
I don't really think I can say much about the tanka, since I don't know much about that form of poetry, but I think it's the same deal as the haiku: Don't let the structure limit you. You have limited words, so don't waste any. Say exactly what needs to be said, nothing more.
One other thing about the tanka:
"Content" is an adjective, so it's being used improperly here. You need a noun. For example, "contentedness" would work, although it wouldn't fit the darn syllable limitations. You can play around until you find something that works.
Overall, not bad, just needs some work. Keep on writing!
I guess I'm here to review this since I stumbled upon it.
The Haiku: I don't really understand what you're trying to make the reader feel, that the brightest colors show brightness? Or it could be just about colors. Just about colors.
The Tanka: I like the strong lines in the tanka that you made, especially the first two. The other three were definitely weaker. The last three aren't as intriuging and it's kind of disappointing reading "I really like this." then "Okay." But I get it because you can only use a certain amount of syllables for these two poems.
It would help more if I read one of your free-verses because there I can pin-point what you need to work on.
Anyway, I didn't really hate these or love these, though they did have some beautiful lines!
Heyo, I like these poems but I have a few things I want to comment on.
This felt like more of an ending than what you used it as. It would've been better if you put the lines after this one somewhere before "And I am at home."
It would've been nicer if you gave a title to these two, rather than leaving them untitled. Titles always intrigue the reader into the poem and give a little peek at what the poem is about.
These poems flow very nicely, but it's just a bit odd that you added two different poems into one work.
I like them, keep writing.
~Gladdy
hi! thank you for your review
the placement of "And I am at home" was, for one thing, following the syllable structure of a tanka. I didn't use titles because I don't want the title to force an interpretation upon the reader (mainly for the first poem, as it is not as direct as the second). also, the two poems are together because they both focus on nature and they were written in the same state of mind. all in all, thank you!
Ah, that makes sense. Oops ;n;
haha don't worry! I didn't know what a tanka was at first either
Hey! Cello here for a quick review!
First off, I would scratch the italics. It takes away from the meaning and the words.
Second, the word 'illuminate' feels wrong. Usually it's used as in 'illuminates something' (illuminates my face, illuminates the sky) But illuminates back at me? A little questionable. Maybe try 'illuminates my soft face' or 'illuminates light to me' (Not sure if I used it correctly on the second example) Just look up the word and check out a few examples if you're still confused or feel free to message me.
Not sure what a 'Tanka' is but I'm assuming it has to do with syllables too. I'm just going to edit content though.
For such a short poem, I don't think the 'carry me' and 'rushes over me' works. It's too much 'me' if that makes any sense. Maybe something like 'Submerged in water that's filling my heart with content' I don't know. That might go against the syllables. Sorry, I'm no help, but you're clearly a good writer so I'm sure you'll figure it out.
Great poems! Keep up the good work!
-ChocolateCello
hi! thank you for the review, but the reasoning (as you guessed) for the shortness of the poem and lack of stronger adjectives is because of the syllable count
for a haiku, the syllable count is 5/7/5; for a tanka, the syllable count is 5/7/5/7/7.
It is very descriptive and reading it makes me fell relaxed. The first part seems a bit short so I couldn't get into it, but the second part was excellent. I can almost feel the ocean around me. Are you writing about fire works in the first part?
the first part is short because it is a haiku so it is 3 lines
and I'm actually writing about spring flowers! I try to never say what I'm writing about because I love people creating their own interpretations 
Thanks I am new at poetry and didn't know what a haiku was. In saying that if it is supposed to be three lines then you did a really good job. I can see the flowers around me in that part and I learned a new thing about poetry.