[September Contest] I'm A Penguin

ultraviolet wrote:A door shut, a lock clicked, some questions arose
Writing on air, something Belle did compose I would like more description on what she composed. I know the man didn't know much, but maybe something he assumed. There are tons of words that could describe it.

My limbs spread, my joints locked, I could only just breathe
I was made to wear a magician's garb, right down to the #0000FF ">sleeve This seems forced only because you said sleeve instead of a more commonly used word like toe. It would sound less forced if you described it in some way, I think.

Then I felt my clear chains start retracting in size Up until now I was picturing no chains, now I am picturing glass chains or plastic. You can see through them, but you can still see them. It might just be me though.
I couldn't see, I couldn't think, I felt close to demise

~~~
The very last sentence I thought as a human
Was, "Oh my dear God, I'm turning into a penguin." Human and penguin don't rhyme, but I like the twist of not rhyming at the end. It adds a nice touch.

Most of my problems and questions Abigail got to first so,

sorry this is short,

A. S.

Hi Ultraviolet! Since you're submitting this for the September contest, I'll just correct the technical, poetic stuff. I mean, if I told you to change something in the plot of the poem, you'd have to change the short story plot, too. I'm not that evil!

ultraviolet wrote:Dear Belle, why oh why, I was just being helpful

From the first line alone, I can tell that the poem is going to be in the past tense. You have a bit of tense inconsistency throughout the poem, which I shall dutifully correct; I am changing it to the past tense, but you are welcome to switch it back to the present tense if that's what you think best outfits the mood of the poem.

ultraviolet wrote:How could I have known you were a form of the devil?

The devil just sounds better.

ultraviolet wrote:You lured me to a room, that's where it began
I had no idea of your deceitful plan

A door shut, a lock clicked, some questions arose
Belle raised her finger and scribbled on air

Whoa. You just totally dropped not only the rhyme scheme but the meter, as well. It's okay to have an inconsistent rhyme scheme. That's probably one of the only elements of poetry that you don't have to be consistent with. But the meter is a necessity.

If you'll notice, your second stanza has the same number of syllables on each line. This is an easy way to start out learning meter. They ring well together. The first stanza doesn't have the same number of syllables on each line, but it does have that rhyme. Without the rhyme, you need the meter. I'm not sure if this is making sense. If it isn't, click here.

ultraviolet wrote:My limbs spread, my joints locked, I could move just my eyes
I was cruelly forced to wear a magician's garb

Since there is no rhyme here, you don't need to switch the clauses of your sentence around, let alone sound unnecessarily archaic.

ultraviolet wrote:Then I felt my clear chains start retracting in size
I couldn't think, I couldn't breathe, all I knew was pure terror

It stopped, or it didn't, I really didn't know
The proportions were skewed, but the chains, they let go

All I can hear was Belle's arrogant gloating
Soon, then, my mind, it started lazily floating

Sight, sound, touch, taste, and the smell of things, too
They changed, they transformed into something so new

The last sentence I thought as a human
Was, "Oh my dear God, I'm a penguin."

Haha, this certainly was unique! But wait. If you were still a human when you thought that sentence, why were you thinking that you were a penguin? I see what you're getting at, but it doesn't quite make sense.

Anyway, I hope you'll take my editions into consideration. This is a very cute, funny poem, and I think, with a bit of revision, it has a legitimate chance of winning. Hope this helps!

- Abigail