chapter one the curer

Jacob sat by the window staring into the outside world. His Brown shaggy hair lit by the moon. The stars shone over Lord Verivians land. Jacob's thoughts went to his apprenticeship with the local curer. The door to the small hut creaked open as his older brother walked into the small cottage. He carried a bundle of bread that he'd gotten in town for breakfast the next day. He looked tired from working out in the fields.

He set down the bundle and walked over. "Are you thinking about the curer. Because I heard that he's wrong in the head?" he inquired.

"Really?" Jacob asked sounding worried.

"Yeah, well you better get to bed." He said sounding exhausted.

Jacob walked over to his damp mat on the floor. His mother was asleep on the floor beside him. He thought of his father who had died of a terrible illness the year before. He put out the candle and lay worrying that he would mess up tomorrow. Finally exhaustion took over and he dozed off.

In his dream his father was telling him how disappointed he was of him. Jacob woke sweating, with tears in his eyes. It's ok it's just a dream he thought. He lay back down his shirt clinging to him. He fell back to sleep.

The next morning his mother woke him up. Sitting on their small table was a plate of bread by a cup of milk. He ate the food and drink. the bread was dry so he dipped it in his milk, it absorbed the milk like a sponge. He hugged his mom as he exited the house she waved him goodbye.

He was off, walking to the curer's home. The small village was already awake and busy. An old woman wearing odd clothes told him to come to her. He looked up at the sky to see where the sun was. He figured he'd have enough time to see what she wanted. He walked over.

"I can tell you your future."she exclaimed in a cackling voice.

"But I don't have any money.", he said to the gypsy.

"Oh but there is no charge.", she pulled out a cup with small bones in it."Pour them out."

She handed him the cup. He slowly poured the bones out. They fell with a weird tingling sound. The bones formed a stick type thing.

She gasped. " They tell me you'll have to have courage to do something soon."

He left the table thinking it was a whole bunch of baloney. The rest of the journey was altogether uneventful. There were children playing in the street. Cats hissed as he passed. Until he got to the edge of town. The tall dark home of the curer was in sight.

He walked through the dead grass to get to his house the grass crunching as Jacob walked by a dead tree. He opened the old door and peered inside books and papers cluttered the building.

"Hello?" He asked the empty room. No one answered. He walked in, the heavy door shutting behind him. He walked over to the other side of the room. There was a door with candle light coming from under the crack. He opened the door.

When he walked in the old man was writing something his gray hair facing Jacob. Jacob couldn't see so he wondered what the parchment said. The old man exclaimed when he noticed the boy.

"My name is Wilkinson and you must be the apprentice I was promised." Mr. Wilkinson said.

He motioned for him to come closer. Jacob walked over by the man and asked what he should do.

The curer told him that he was making something to help people but he was too old to get the ingredients for it.

"I need you to get four things. Water from the lake of life, lava from the avion volcanoe, a branch from the tree of time, and wind from a wind spirit." The man said, "take a sword as well."

The man handed him a long sword. "Good luck."

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Tue Aug 25, 2015 1:39 pm

PickledChrissy says...

Heya, Chrissy back again for the review.

A pointer for next time, when you post a revised edition of a chapter you need to post it as a separate work. Just put revised in the title. Like this, " Chapter one The Curer (revised). It's fine this time around though. Don't worry. Just keep it in mind for next time.

Your writing.... I have never seen a jump in quality as big as the one you just did. It's astounding! I mean, I opened the page up and looked at it. I didn't recognize your writing as yours. I have another member on here that I am reviewing a novel for. I have been pointed out the same mistake that you did in your first novel for every single work of theirs I reviewed. They still haven't managed to fix it. I've done six or seven of theirs by now. To change it as quickly as you did requires talent.

Jacob's thoughts went to his apprenticeship with the local curer.

Okay, he's thinking about the curer. But what are his thoughts? You leave a very broad range for us when you just say that he's think about him. Also, this is a very good opportunity to get a little background in on the curer himself. Any rumors Jacob may have heard can surface right now. The way he feels about the apprenticeship can start to come out. Little things like that.

You need more action when your characters are talking to each other. For instance when his brother comes in. His brother is hot, thirsty, and tired. What would you do if you walked into your house? I know that I'd probably get a drink of water, ~~or try to make someone else get me a drink~~. He can get some and be sipping it while he talks with Jacob. And maybe a little bit of food as well. He might not have eaten in a while.

An old woman wearing odd clothes told him to come to her.

Telling. There isn't any showing in this part. You slipped up and fell back into your mistake from last time. First thing you notice about someone, well in this case it would be her voice since she called for him. Since she's a hag of sorts, kinda dry and crackly I assume.

And her clothes are odd, how is that? What's so odd about them?

I think I'm done now. Yeah, nothing else I can see anyways.

Good job, even better than last time! Once again, let me know with the next part.

KEEP WRITING!

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Sun Aug 23, 2015 4:44 pm

ty7lucky says...

Thank you for the tips!

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Sat Aug 22, 2015 2:43 am

ickeschr wrote a review...

First off, I want to say that I can tell you have great ideas. This introduction to the story and your writing has a ton of potential. However, there are a few things I would like to make note of.
Every writer begins somewhere, and you're just beginning, which is great. I love seeing people who enjoy writing and are good at it.
This chapter is rather fast-paced and short. Generally speaking, neither of these matter too much, when used properly. But I want to help you as much as I can, so please take this as me trying to help you, and NOT to be mean.
Just from the first two sentences, I get the impression that this will be written in Third Person Limited, from Jacob's point of view. In saying that, when he was looking out the window into the world, how would he know that his brother walked into the small cottage? Instead of saying that his brother walked in, you could have said, 'Jacob's thoughts went to his apprenticeship with the local curer when someone entered the small cottage.' And then from there have Jacob see that it was indeed his brother who entered, carrying the bundle of bread.
I'm not sure of the exact time period of your plot and storyline, but personally I get that this is set in medieval times. In saying that, the term 'mom' would not be used, and instead would be 'mother', which you had used previously. Sometimes it's just the small things that make a huge difference. Basic grammar and other such things make an enormous impact on the way things are read.
Above everything else, however, do not get discouraged. You have excellent ideas, they just need to be accessed. Just keep writing, and ask for help when needed.

Points: 2816
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Wed Aug 19, 2015 4:09 am

PickledChrissy wrote a review...

Heya, Chrissy here for a review!

Welcome to YWS! I guess I get to be your first reviewer. Better get started.

Your plot and beginning is well thought out, but you seem to have a little trouble with how to express yourself. You have a tendency to tell us what is going on instead of showing. For instance, on the walk to the curers you don't describe the walk at all. Is it long? Does he have to go through a town or anything?

Image yourself walking there. You would always remember certain things about it. Maybe a section of it is steeper than the other. Maybe another part is shaded by trees.

And then there is the morning itself. Maybe its cloudy, a little chilly. Or its already getting hot. Maybe its pouring rain, and then you would need to say something about him being soaked as well.

You have five senses. Sight, hearing, touch, taste, and smell. So you have to write from all five of them.

Same thing goes for the rest of it. Healers hut, the healer himself, all of it.

Now we need a little background on the people in it. Like where is the parents of Jacob? ~~I love that name, btw.~~ And who is the healer? Why does his brother think he is a little touched in the head? How old has Jacob been working with the curer?

I want to follow this novel. If you post more on this, please let me know. Just post on my wall, tag me, or shoot me a PM. It has the potential to be a great book.

KEEP WRITING!

Points: 1206
Reviews: 15

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Wed Aug 19, 2015 3:28 am

BlackhawkUnder wrote a review...

Hello, Hawk here for a review!

Alright, so I have two main things I want to say, that are sort of one thing in the long run: character/plot development and showing vs. telling.

Your story is off to a good start; I can tell there's going to be a lot of action, suspense and mystery. Magic as well, and I love magic But nothing is completely developed yet, which leads to the showing vs. telling part, which can help you a lot. Let me explain by example:

telling:

Jacob walked over to his mat on the floor. He put out the candle and lay worrying that he would mess up tomorrow. Finally exhaustion took over and he dozed off.

showing: Restlessly Jacob meandered over to his worn bamboo mat on the earth floor and settled in for a night of little sleep. With a short whoosh of his breath the candle next to him flickered one last time and died, the melting wax cooling into frozen droplets inching down the sides. Worry struck him, eating away at him as he lay, trying fruitlessly to fall into the void called sleep. He did not want to mess anything up tomorrow. Seconds ticked into minutes, minutes fell to hours. It was near to midnight before his eyelids began to flutter shut, and finally exhaustion took him.

You need to expand your ideas, give more details. What do Lord Verivian's lands look like from out his window? Are they mountains? Deserts? Plains?
What is his brother's name? What does he look like? How old is he?
You mention Jacob's mother, but no word of a father. Where is the father? Is he dead? Off at war, up early to work on the farm?
What exactly does it mean for Jacob to have an apprenticeship with the curer? Will he be earning money to help the family? Is it an unpaid position where he trains to become the next curer? Does every village/town have one curer or are there many?

These are the kinds of questions your reader is going to have. Now, that isn't to say you have to answer ALL of them in the prologue or the first chapter, but you do need to throw us a bone. As the writer it can be hard to know what to let people in on, because we know sooooo much more than the reader. We know what our main character's future is going to be, we know what they look like, what they like to do, how they'll react in certain situations, but the readers don't. You have to consider what is important for the reader to know NOW and what can be saved for later.

Now for a couple of nitpicky grammar things:

The stars shone over Lord Verivians land.

You need an apostrophe in "Verivians" to show possession of the land.

He carried a bundle of bread that he got in town for breakfast tomorrow morning.

It should say "that he'd gotten in town for breakfast the next morning."

"Are you thinking about the curer, Because I heard that he's wrong in the head?"

You have two sentences combined into one here. The fix would be: "Are you thinking about the curer? I heard that he's wrong in the head." You could end the second sentence with a period or an exclamation mark if you like, I think they would both be fine.
(Never start a sentence with "because" if you can help it. The best way to know when to remove the "because" is to read the sentence out loud both with and without it. If the meaning of the sentence is the same both times, remove it.)

"Really?" Jacob asked sounding worried.

You need a comma after "asked."

"Well you better get to bed." He said exhaustively.

This is technically all one sentence because it is the same character. It should say: "Well you better get to bed," he said exhaustively.

When you use quotations, anytime your phrase ends with a comma, question mark or exclamation point, the following word after the quotation is lower case.
i.e. "I'm so excited!" she yelled. / "Are you sure?" he asked. / "I can't go," she said glumly.
If it's a complete sentence and the next sentence is unrelated, that's a different story.
i.e. "I'm so excited!" She waved her hands in the air, jumping up and down. / "Are you sure?" His doubt irritated me. / "I can't go." Her face was glum.

He hugged his mom as he excited the house she waved him goodbye.

You misspelled "exited" and forgot to separate these sentences. Put a period after "house" and capitalize "she."

but Jacob couldn't read so he wondered what it said.

I would make this into two separate sentences.
i.e. but Jacob couldn't read. What does it say? (Italics denote a character's thoughts)

Jacob walked over by the man and asked what he he should do.

You accidentally repeat "he" twice.

and wind from a wind spirit." The man said, "take a sword as well."

Again with the quotation thing. This would make more sense to say: and wind from a wind spirit," the man said. "Take a sword as well."

And that should do it! I know it seems like a lot, but the best way to improve your writing is to revise over and over and over again. Not only that, but always READ IT OUT LOUD! This helps you learn to avoid repeating the same words, find run-on sentences, adjust flow, and catch grammatical errors.
I don't know why, but I get really embarrassed to read my stuff out loud. Maybe because it sounds different in my voice than in the character's voices I imagine in my head. I usually go to a park or cemetery or deep into the field in my backyard to do this where no one can hear me. Just a friendly tip.

Anyway, always keep writing! ;D

Young Writers Society

chapter one the curer

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