My parents are dead, and I killed them. I don’t know how this happened all I know is there dead and by my hands. Why. Why did they have to die?
“Pa....Ma” I said it but it caimed out muffeld and chocked
I can barley speak. I’m chocking on my own tears. I didn’t even know you could do that. How could I have transformed, I mean werewolves are just legends.
“HEY!”
I heard a voice in the distance it looked like a farmer but I couldn’t tell my eyes were flooding so much I barely saw anything.
“HEY.... ARE YOU OK!”?
I couldn’t answer partly from my chocking and how I was extremely tired for some reason.
“HELLO! ... OH NO, CHRIS GET THE STRECHER!”
Those were the last words that I heard before falling back into that calming chamber of black. All I could think about was Ma, Pa and that wolf. The thing that really scared me was the picture of Ma and Pa's burnt corps running in my head over and over as if it was a fly buzzing around your head
“Hey I think he's wakening up.” said the man
My eyesight was back and my hearing barley, as I tried to sit up but I felt a sharp pain in my back. I could get up only to get pushed back down by a hand
Easy now. You shouldn’t get up.”
Now I definitely know this guy is a farmer but how did he find me
“Were am I, Who are you people?” I asked
"Well I’m Elliot; this is my wife Casey, and my son Chris. But a better question is are you ok?" asked Elliot
"I am fine"
I got up out of the home made bed and reached for Pa's gear.
"Whoa now you aren’t leaving. You need rest and a little food in your belly wouldn’t hurt." said Elliot
*Gurgle*
"All right, ... Thank you sir." I reaplied
Elliot got up and went into the kitchen as I sat down I fell back asleep or I think I did.
*Howling*. I heard a wolf howl and I found the lone wolf sitting in the void with me.
I scurried away but it became no use as the wolf followed me as I tried to swim away in the void
“You can’t escape. I will be with you the entire time so stop.” said a voice that was unknown to me
The wolf spoke!
“You are surprised? Why you thought this was all one bad dream and that you’ll wake up in your cottage with your "mum".” the wolf said this which angerd me
“Wait, what are you?” I asked though he was an obvious wolf
“What do I look like, I am a bloody wolf for crying out loud, god you mortals are dense!”
Did this wolf just call me dense?!
“Wait, are you the wolf that took control of me?!”
“Yes, I tried to sneak out but your mother saw me then "daddy" had to come sword swinging so yea I killed you parents.” He said which thrugh me off the edge
Without thinking I lunged at the wolf and grabbed hold of its neck
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING ATTAKING ME, A DEMON!” Shouted the wolf.
Now, I understand, this wolf is the demon AMON, a possesive demon.
“Hey kid get up, GET UP, GET UP!”
A voice, it sounds like a girl? What’s going on is the wolf doing something with my head.
"GET UP!"
I wake up to a crescent moon and a figure standing in front of me. No not in front of me, she’s above me!
“God, finally your awake!”
W-w-what? Casey!
She threw a mirror in front of my face and I saw a wolf paw on my cheek and receding hair.
I was transforming, either from human or wolf I didn’t know.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hey there twistedracer01. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.
Updated Review
1. Before I get on to the rest of my review we need to talk about the overwhelming number of grammar, spelling, and typo mistakes throughout your story. They drove me crazy and almost made me leave the story. I am pretty sure it will have the same effect on other readers. Let's start by talking about that description because it is the first thing readers see.
Wherever I used red I was correcting a mistake but I have listed them individually below.
-Ran needed to be run so that everything flowed together right.
-On too needs to be condensed into "onto". Even if it were separated you had one too many "o"s in "too".
-Meats needs to be changed over to meets.
-I don't think that demons needs a capital D unless every demon's name is Demon. See what I mean about that.
If you make those couple changes it will make the story much more appealing right off the bat.
I don't know if the "howel" in the title was just a typo or a stylistic choice but I'm guessing typo. Fix it and you'll be able to add a bit more professionalism to the story.
2. Note before I move onto the rest of my review that I have not read any of the previous chapters just for the sake of time. The lack of action did strike me as odd seeing as this was a werewolf novel. Maybe all of the action comes before or after this chapter. I would try and work on the plot but I don't have much to work with. Another user recommended this forum post to me when working on the plot of stories. You might want to check it out.
Journal Making Challenge
It talks all about the plot and lots of other elements necessary for a good story.
3. Your dialogue also needs a lot of work but it will take me too long to correct all of the lines. Instead let's just talk about a couple of them starting with the first line.
Okay if we were inside of the main character's mind we would know the emotion but the reader can't always depend on the thoughts. You need to describe the emotion connected to the piece of dialogue by it as well. You also lack quotation marks before and after every single piece of what I think is dialogue. Please fix this, it is infuriating and makes it extremely difficult for me to review.
Now look at these lines.
Besides all of the spelling and grammar errors the reader has absolutely no idea who is talking when. This is why you don't only need to add quotation marks but the character speaking as well. This is another recurring trend within the writing.
Update on Dialogue Fix
Okay so here is what I meant by fixing the dialogue and identifying the character speaking. This is just one possible way to do it.
Okay so I added a couple of phrases appropriate to the situation like he was wheezing from the pain. That seemed to fit very well and he was probably in so much pain it was difficult to talk. This is the sort of formatting I was referring to. The same fix needs to be applied to the rest of the dialogue.
I also have a bone to pick with his thoughts. I get that the thoughts of the mc are the main part of the story but you need to separate them better from the rest of the pack so to speak. If not it gets really confusing.
4. The main problem with your story is the extreme amount of typos. It would take me hours to list all of the places that need fixed so I recommend running this piece through spell/grammar check if you have word. If you don't have word turn to the WR4F forums and find someone who focuses on grammar and spelling in their reviews.
5. Sorry if I couldn't be of more help and that this was such a short review. If you have any questions about my review please PM me.
-lizzy
Thanks im still new to writing
Hey! I am here to review your story!
I love it so far! Dramatic! There is quite a lot of spellings that need to be fixed, but that's ok. You may need to add some more comma's in places, other than that your punctuation is pretty good. You certainly have me interested. It was a bit confusing in some places, you maybe need to add more details, to make it easier for the reader to visualize and understand the story. But it is a very good story, and I hope you continue to write! Keep up the good work my friend!
Thanks and I will try and fix them