narrator:it was 6:15 in the morning.jack was awake.
yes this is the last day of school and i got my whole planning sheet for summer all i need to do is go to school to 6 of my periods and then here comes summer said jack.JACK! said his mother.
narrator:jack was afraid what his parents were going to say...
jack i need you to pack all your stuff for the summer your going to your grand mothers house said his mother. WHAT said jack.she will bring you to math camp 6 am to 7 pm.NO YOU CANT DO THIS said jack.me and your father agreed because we have so much to do so thats why you will clean her yard and do what she tells you and if i get a bad report no games no tv for a month said his mother.~sigh~ jack went upstairs to his room.
narrator:mean while another problem happend the same problem as jack.
cameron! said her father.yes father im almost done and ready for school said cameron.no its not that i neead you to clean the house every day and i sighed you up for math camp 6 am to 7 pm.come on you do this to me every year and i already planned my summer with my pet centapeed said cameron.sweety thats a big bug and your going to that camp young lady.
narrator:cameron and jack say... IM RUNNING AWAY! after that while they wrere away from the house they bump into each other.
what the heck you running for said jack.im running away said cameron.me too said jack.hey you wanna partner up whith us said cameron.wait you and that big centipeed said jack.talking centipeed said cameron.cool ok we better make a ride for a trip to the woods.
narrator:they find a carage and ride of and there parents thought they were at school.
hey cameron why did you run away said jack.my parents boss me every step of the way said cameron.me to they never let me get a chance to do my own things over the summer said jack.yea but why isnt your centipeed talking said jack.only when its his busness to be in a conversation said cameron.
1 day later
narrator:they stop traveling for the day and build a small home.
well were done building this small house and now all we have to do is... HELP said the fox.
narrator:the fox runs towards them with cyotes behind him.
COME BACK YOU DIRTY LITTLE FOX said the cyote.hey stop! said jack.HEHEHEHEHEHEHE AND WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO FIGHT ME WITH YOUR BARE HANDS said the cyote.yes said jack.
narrator:jack runs toward the cyotes and WACK! PUNCH! CRACK! the cytotes were done.
wow how did i do that i barley felt my fists hurt.hey my name is fox.im jack.i need an owner and if i dont more cyotes will come and get me said fox.wait i though foxes were not afraid of cyotes said jack.yea but i am said fox.well meet my friends cameron,centipeed said jack.
narrator:they all became friends and jack owned the fox and they all sleped in the small house and who knows what will happen next
the end
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141,293 Literary Works • 674,334 Reviews
Welcome to YWS! Lucrezia here to review.
This was... well, honestly? A bit confusing. I still think (from what I understood) that it could make a nice story. The gist of it was good enough, with a solid plot and good bones. Just work on the technical stuff, okay?
Here are some examples:
Should be: Your father and I.
There should be an apostrophe in "can't."
Should be: '...you're going to your grandmother's house.'
Grandmother is one word, there should be an apostrophe, and the first "your" should be spelled "you're."
Also, no need to put "narrator" in front of all the non-dialogue. It's just not necessary.
There's a lot more, but most of it has already been covered and I don't want to bore you too much. Besides for that, this could make a pretty good story. Clean it up a bit to make it easier to read, and you're good.
At first I read your title wrong and thought it said enculada. Which made me laugh like an idiot.
Anyway, on to the review. I just did not like this piece. Firstly you have little punctuation. Capital letters are missing, inverted commas aren't used for when people speak and you change from regular writing to script form. You need to stick with one.
There were some spelling mistakes but they were few compared to the ammount of grammar errors.
The content of this I found rather charming in a way. I think perhaps children would like this.
This needs to be badly looked over as the errors make it very hard to read. The content could be drawn out a little as it wasn't very complex. I apologies if I seem rather harsh but it wouldn't help you if I wasn't.
Happy writing!
I am left very confused by this story. I find it fun and energetic, yet I can't bring myself to love it due to the fact that the punctuation is lacking so. There needs to be a space before every sentence, 'i' needs to be capitalized, the first letter in every sentence needs to be capitalized, the first names of every character must be capitalized. You need to add in commas where ever you would take a break in the sentence. You NEED to put all dialogue in quotation marks (" "). You bounce back and forth between classic writing and script a tremendous amount. Chose one. Don't bounce back and forth. It's hard to read. If you want to switch, then switch over entirely. Additionally, get auto-correct. Coyote, centipede, slept...
I apologize for being so critical, but if you desire to write, you need to know these things.
I think it's a good story for younger folks like teenagers and kids.
Remember to watch your spelling and punctuations and capitalizing. Those make it easier for the reader to read your story. Nice story nonetheless. I like how its during the summer, very laid back and fun and playful.
thanks i made a second one