it was 1:52 pm cameron,centipeed,jack and fox wonder in the woods looking for wood for the carrage.
jack have you found any wood yet cameron said.no i think there by the river they must have washed off but cameron have you seen fox yet.no he went to find food for the trip.ok but is centipeed whith him.no he's taking a nap.well lets take a break this has been a long day but i think we have enough food lets check.. 12 blue barries 6 cocanuts 10 mangos.but jack what are we suposed to drink cameron replies.i gues well have to make some thing and squeez the fruits.hey guys i found some cups and a sword fox said.give me the sword jack said.well what is it cameron said nervousley.this is the sword my father used to tell me it was my grand fathers when he was attacked.i guess your grandfather died at this very ground cameron said.ill hold this just in case.
narrator:the sword was very old with dimond on the handle it was called the demon blood
lets get in side we need some rest before the trip. 12 hours later...
lets go lets go jack said.but jack there no covers on the carrage cameron said.dont worry i already put a system that will open covers its next to the last seat and pull the handle.FOX weres fox said jack.hes getting his things cameron says.CENTIPEED.coming...
narrator:they all get in the carrage and ride off.it was raining.comeron put up the covers.
2 days after...
were here jack wake up fox said.huh were are we.the sign says castle of...the other words are scratched jack said.well lets go find out.WAIT. what. guards said centipeed.shoot and there wearing metal stuff said centipeed.there called nights said fox.well how are we gonna pass said cameron.i have an idea said jack.all we have to do is pay.with what said centipeed.gems duh
narrator:they pass the gates by paying gems
yes we got passed the gates now we need more gems to get a home said jack.umm jack we cold use the wood and nails to build a house cameron said.ok well go with your idea but lets go find a spot said jack.
narrator:they find a spot near the fair grounds.while the nights intrude in the house
we need you guys to build a wall with our army so the dragon dosen't destroy king drakes kingdom said the two knights.so thats whos castle but won't the dragon fly over the wall said fox.no lucky for us the dragon lost its two wings because of the sword with a dimond on it.thats my grand fathers sword he must have been attacked by a dragon but what about the two wings said jack.we think he threw the sword in the air said the two knights.no wonder it was stuck on the tree about 50 feet said fox.
will do it...
1 hour past
well this is all the bricks we can get... BOOOOM whats happening jack said badly.its here fox said
narrator:the ground shook some of the bricks were about to fall out of place then the wall fell.the knights ran away for shelter.jack pulled out the sword....the dragon looked at it and said demonds blood.and cryed and then got mad furiously and threw jack in the air.jack tryed to get on top of the trees to jump on the dragon but the dragon swinged its tail and smacked jack on the stomach and smacked jack on the tree.
uh BAM help! CRACK. YOUR GRAND FATHER WAS ALWAYS WEEK HE WOULDN'T STAND A CHANCE AGAINST ME NEATHER WERE YOU the dragon said.dont say that my grand father was always there for me and my family.THEN WHY DID YOU RUN AWAY FROM HOME YOU SAID ALL THEY EVER DID WAS BOSS YOU MADE YOU DO WORK ALL THE TIME said the dragon.it was for a reason jack said.WHAT REASON CAUSE YOU WERE WEEK.
narrator:jack picked up the sword....
NOOOOOOOOO YOUR NOTHING BUT JUST A BEAST BIG FAT NOTHING I DONT CARE ABOUT YOU OF ALL THE THINGS YOU EVER DID ALL I WISH IS GOOO TOOOOOOOOOOO HELLLLLLLLL
narrator:jack ran around the dragon real fast then ran all the way to the tenth tree...and ran to the dragon....and flew up in the air.
SHING! SHING! SHING! SHING!
narrator:jack wounded the dragon and the blood of the dragon made a sword.and it it was called the blood of the dragon.the dragon started to burn in flames jack ran away with the new sword.
15 minutes later
thank you very much the kingdom and the king thank you and for you we reward 15,000 gems the knights offerd.thank you very much i cant believe we get all of this for destroying a dragon jack said.
narrator:jack lays down while fox heals jacks wounded parts and bones whith hot rocks.
ouch! that hurts becareful that tree aint soft you know jack said.well jack why did you run away from home fox said.sigh.fox.yes.i too ran away from home cameron said.why.beacuse my parents were always bossy and told me to do every thing.well i wonder what adventure will come next cameron said.
THE END.
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141,288 Literary Works • 674,333 Reviews
Timmyjake here to give you a review!
Ok, so I will just hit a few big things!
So your biggest issue that I can see in this is your lack of proper punctuation. It would be the biggest reason why someone would find this difficult to read. So I will just show you what I mean instead of just telling you.
jack have you found any wood yet cameron said.no i think there by the river they must have washed off but cameron have you seen fox yet.no he went to find food for the trip.ok but is centipeed whith him
That's a lot to copy and paste, and I'll probably get in trouble for it. (Sorry, guys) But I didn't know any way around it. Let me just rewrite it to show you what I mean.
"Jack, have you found any wood yet? Cameron asked. Enter in something happening here. Cameron does something. A new paragraph, because someone else is talking now.
"No, I think they're by the river. They must have washed off," Jack said. Now Jack does something. And etc... You get the picture.
So the only other thing I have to say is that you need to look this piece over for spelling and capitalization. I is always capitalized in a short story, no matter what. Some of your words have no spaces in between, which needs looking at. So really, all this piece needs for spelling is for you to take a few careful looks over it to fix any problems like those I just mentioned.
So now that I have critiqued it, let me tell you that I liked the plot and the story a lot! I think this story will build a strong plot if you continue writing it! Happy Writing!
~Timmyjake
I really hate to say it, but you need to fix those typos. I can usually read through them, but you need to help out here. Punctuation, spelling, and spaces do miracles. Usually I try to focus reviews on the story line, but I was just to distracted. I know I am coming on really harsh, and you probably hate me right now, if you've even gotten this far. I liked the story, but I'd rather read it again with all the quotation marks and spelled correctly, so that I can focus more on the story and enjoy it more. Not saying it wasn't enjoyable, quite the opposite. The story was a great quick read, and I genuinely liked it.
Here's hoping you don't hate me,
~Questio~
The characters are good, they have fears and weaknesses just like anyone else. Too many people fall into the trap of creating a perfect character, when nobody's perfect. Also, I can feel their personalities.
When you're adding description, ask yourself, how does the character feel about it? For example, does the character like the feeling of the rain?
Also, it's good that you used paragraphs... I've seen stories without them. Paragraphs give readers a chance to follow what is happening, and can create a big impact when used correctly.
There are typos, but all you have to do is check over your work a bit more.
I like your action, it's fast-paced, and exciting. The characters didn't just have a nice chat in their final showdown.
Feel free to ignore my advice, it's just my opinion.
your right
your right