under
the water i dive.
feet first, arms flailing
for once not caring
about grace.
-
i break through the cold surface
the water gliding over my body,
wrapping around my curves,
loving me.
-
it is quiet
under the water
a still calm,
nothing but fathoms of sea
and beautiful creatures; beautiful lifelessness
beautifully forsaken.
-
i can hear my heart beat
and the sea roaring in my veins
as i hold my breath,
the spiral of thoughts no longer crowd inside me
my body hums to me
Now You’re Free
-
the water is no longer cold
it has become my hearth
and i warm myself, i revive myself.
-
i forget
all my pain, all my ache;
no more blood, no more hurt
no one to tell me i’m not good enough.
under the water,
i am no longer broken.
here i am perfect.
i have become the water
no longer rooted
but flowing
with no direction,
flowing Free.
and that’s exactly how i want it to be.
-
i hold my breath
because i do not want this to go away
-
the water is singing to me
i hear the music
feel it flowing through my blood
making my heart beat
louder and louder.
so loud.
.
.
my lungs fill
with water.
and i surrender
to the Freedom.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,732 Reviews
That last stanza hit hard. I was immediately reminded of the book All the Bright Places by Jennifer Niven. Have you read it?
I really didn't realize what this poem was about until I saw the last stanza.
This is a beautiful poem, but it's heartbreaking.
All the bright places. Of course i have. beautiful book.
thank you for your time reading this!
Hello hiraeth, Katja here to review your poem! As always please feel free to disregard any and all comments or suggestions I make should you find them to be unhelpful. With that being said, onto the review!
Overall Opinion & Interpretation
I love that your poem, first and foremost, has a free flowing and unrestricted form. It really helps emphasize the mental state of the narrator with the semi-choppy lines and free flow. From someone who uses very strict rhyme schemes and formats, I personally struggle with this, so it always impresses me when I see a well-done poem in this way.
While reading each stanza in your poem I will admit it took me till the very last one to fully understand that this was about suicide. Not the fault of the writer, I simply am pointing out that it surprised me a bit and hit me a lot harder than I thought it would.
I interpreted this to be the mindset of someone escaping an abusive relationship or situation of some sort, emotionally and physically;
by committing suicide.
I almost feel like they weren't 100% sure they wanted to go through with it;
but only because of the "peace" they felt under the water which made them feel free.
This last stanza hit me REALLY HARD. As i stated earlier, I didn't realize until this stanza that it was about suicide, and this took me by surprise. I empathized with the narrator and felt pained that they feel that drowning themselves would give them "freedom" From what was driving them to do this (I assume abuse on some level based on the lines I stated earlier).
I've lost family members to suicide, so it definitely hit me hard; It brings me to tears thinking about how someone; whether close to us or someone we don't know, can be driven to feel death is the only way out of whatever it is they may be going through.... Breaks my heart! ):
If the goal was to put us in the mindset of someone driven to suicide, you did a job well done. I hope this poem is not something the writer is actually feeling and just want to say that there is ALWAYS another way and people who truly care and would help.
Otherwise, I feel your poem was well-written and definitely made me feel for the narrator...
This line was my favorite. While this poem is quite sad and morbid; the use of the word "revive" in a poem about suicide, made me feel like I was inside the person's mind. They seem to feel like death is their "freedom" and their "revival", which is the opposite of what one would rationally feel and think. Well-written but heart-breaking.
Please reach out if you or anyone else is ever feeling like suicide is an option. There are people who care and will help...
I have no suggestions for you today. I look forward to reading more of your work soon!
Keep writing,
-Katja
Thank you so much for understanding. And I'll be alright. Writing is my tether to the world; as long as it's strong, I will be too.
Speaking of which, i tend to have rhyming schemes (they're not very though) in my poems too; mostly all of them rhyme. I wanted this one not to because this one was real. Words don't rhyme in my head, so I didn't want them to here either.
Thank you again for your time and your review.
Hey hiraeth!
I'd like to say that I love that last paradoxical sentence, "and i surrender / to the Freedom." I also find it interesting that in that line "i" is lowercase and "F" in freedom is capitalized. I don't know if this was a simple mistake, but I like how it's kind of portraying the character's feelings, of which she could be interpreted as no longer important in her own eyes in this everlasting sea of gloriful Freedom. I like it.
In reading this poem, I am reminded that a lot of poetry is the inside of a person reflected in words that are hard to actually say aloud, or are reflections of how someone really feels. If this is the case, I hope you are safe.
Honestly, I thought this poem was very well written. I enjoyed it.
- B
hi! i'm glad you like the last line, i try very hard to make the endings of my poem meaningful. yeah, i'm okay, kinda, just feeling the pressure. i'll be fine
oh, and yes, the i and f was on purpose 
Hey hiraeth!
I'd like to say that I love that last paradoxical sentence, "and i surrender / to the Freedom." I also find it interesting that in that line "i" is lowercase and "F" in freedom is capitalized. I don't know if this was a simple mistake, but I like how it's kind of portraying the character's feelings, of which she could be interpreted as no longer important in her own eyes in this everlasting sea of gloriful Freedom. I like it.
In reading this poem, I am reminded that a lot of poetry is the inside of a person reflected in words that are hard to actually say aloud, or are reflections of how someone really feels. If this is the case, I hope you are safe.
Honestly, I thought this poem was very well written. I enjoyed it.
- B
Hi there!
Very interesting poem. I like the imagery, the description. Reading every line of your poem, I could feel it. This won't be a great review, because I don't really see anything wrong with this poem at all. I do want to say one thing:
The last paragraph of this poem tops it, bringing things to a close. I'm seeing someone "becoming free" by suicide. This is nothing against your poem at all, but I am worried. If you ever need to talk, PM anytime. I will do my best to help.
hi! thanks for your review! and yeah, i'm fine, i'm okay. not going anywhere, too many books left to read.
Yay!!!