I have seen thine eyes
When she is near.
You bright up like the stars
And like the candles on a chandelier.
~
I hear how light thy laughter has been
And notice how quaint she is for thee.
I shrift to say that I am hurt to let you go
But I long for my heart to be free.
~
I long for a new day
And a rest from the vindictive world.
I hope to put thou aside
And give what my heart deserved.
~
I wish the best of thee
And hope thou get what thou desire.
I hope she will be the light of thy life
And I hope thou keep forever burning brighter.
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125,030 Literary Works • 672,787 Reviews
Hey there tinybookfarie,
Nice work on this. Your style and voice are unique.
The second stanza is particularly strong.
A couple thoughts:
1. As the previous reviewer mentioned, 'light up' is preferable to 'bright up.'
2. Perhaps, 'I wish the best for thee' rather than 'I wish the best of thee'?
Hope this helps!
Write On,
mav
Mavis Knightley
http://www.mavisknightley.com
Thank you..and yes, this really helps!!!!
Hi there!
This is a breathtaking poem! I love it! There are only a few things I am going to point out. Number one:
"You bright up like the stars" I would say "Light up." Second, on the line after that, get rid of the "and."
"You light up like the stars,
like the candles on a chandelier." It flows smoother like that.
My favorite part is this:
"I hear how light thy laughter has been
And notice how quaint she is for thee.
I shrift to say that I am hurt to let you go
But I long for my heart to be free."
Keep up the amazing work!
Thanks for the review