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Best Of Wishes.

by tinybookfarie


I have seen thine eyes

When she is near.

You bright up like the stars

And like the candles on a chandelier.

~

I hear how light thy laughter has been

And notice how quaint she is for thee.

I shrift to say that I am hurt to let you go

But I long for my heart to be free.

~

I long for a new day

And a rest from the vindictive world.

I hope to put thou aside

And give what my heart deserved.

~

I wish the best of thee

And hope thou get what thou desire.

I hope she will be the light of thy life

And I hope thou keep forever burning brighter.


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User avatar
42 Reviews


Points: 484
Reviews: 42

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Tue Jan 08, 2019 10:10 pm
mavisknightley wrote a review...



Hey there tinybookfarie,

Nice work on this. Your style and voice are unique.

The second stanza is particularly strong.

A couple thoughts:

1. As the previous reviewer mentioned, 'light up' is preferable to 'bright up.'
2. Perhaps, 'I wish the best for thee' rather than 'I wish the best of thee'?

Hope this helps!

Write On,
mav


Mavis Knightley
http://www.mavisknightley.com






Thank you..and yes, this really helps!!!!



User avatar
125 Reviews


Points: 3396
Reviews: 125

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Tue Jan 08, 2019 4:44 pm
FireSpyGirl wrote a review...



Hi there!
This is a breathtaking poem! I love it! There are only a few things I am going to point out. Number one:
"You bright up like the stars" I would say "Light up." Second, on the line after that, get rid of the "and."

"You light up like the stars,
like the candles on a chandelier." It flows smoother like that.

My favorite part is this:
"I hear how light thy laughter has been

And notice how quaint she is for thee.

I shrift to say that I am hurt to let you go

But I long for my heart to be free."


Keep up the amazing work!






Thanks for the review ;)




What a piece of work is a man! How noble in reason, how infinite in faculty, in form and moving how express and admirable, in action how like an angel, in apprehension how like a god -- the beauty of the world, the paragon of animals!
— William Shakespeare