Hello and happy review day once again!
This chapter also left me a bit puzzled because so many different things happened. We've talked about things like this before I believe that a lot went on and there wasn't as much time to develop each individual part. My gut is telling me you may not even need this whole Coach subplot. It felt kind of thrown in to make the novel more exciting, but I don't think you need it. There's already a lot going on in the story and you already have a lot of exciting and interesting components. I've also mentioned before that the main plot line is a little difficult to decipher, and I think some of your subplots are becoming distractions from the main plot and you want the subplots to add. So I would consider taking out all of this Coach business and instead focus on the main plot - Toby.
Casey Johnson grabbed her shirt collar as she neared the midst of the hallway, his touch as cold as a block of ice, scalding the mute girl to the bone.
There are some funny wording things in here. "Midst of the hallway" - I think you meant "middle"? And then his touch is cold as ice and yet it scalds her? That doesn't compute for me.
"Easy there, Saturn Girl," Casey said
Where did this nick-name come from? I was going to mention this in the last chapter but then I didn't do nit-picks. "Casey" threw me off because I couldn't remember who that was. I don't think he's ever been referred to in that way before. If you want to call him Casey, fine but I would pair it with Coach so we remember easier.
Oh, but take your clothes off first. Haven't ever gotten to sleep with two cute kids before. Man, been forever since I've had someone suck my—oh my God!"
I could have mentioned this on the other chapter too, but I would bump the rating of these chapters up. Some readers would find this subject matter disturbing and wouldn't want to stumble across it. The YWS rating guide can be found here.
“Hey, Chuck, I’m curious,” I said, seated beside him on the bed in the cramped, boxed guestroom, not a television in sight. “What happened to the TV?”
I would start this off with a bit more description so the dialogue doesn't feel so out of the blue. Where is he, what is around him, show me this TV situation before they start talking about it so I have a frame of reference.
“It means that he forgets things. Like who his grandson is. And soon, he’ll probably forget who my mom is. Then he'll forget things like how to talk, how to eat...and even how to breathe. Before you ask, no, I don’t have a dad. He was killed in a mass shooting at a grocery store a few years ago…never got to say bye, either.”
Loved the Alzheimer description. The bit about the dad felt a bit out of the blue. You could beef up this dialogue and this scene with more of Toby's reactions to this information. How does he feel about it? What's going through his mind? Remember, this is Toby's story so I want lots and lots of Toby.
“Life does that to you sometimes,” he added, rising from the bed and starting for the door. “I’ve never really understood religion. But maybe whoever is out there wants to make us miserable as possible, so that we look forward to dying.”
This also felt kind of random and like some of those other bits I've mentioned in previous chapters - like these bold comments to end a chapter. You don't need em
"When Diana kept bugging Mrs. Barnes and I that you took Bailey out and she didn't trust you,
Read this bit out loud. There's some funny wording in there.
I've got Brief Psychotic Disorder! You know what that is, Doctor! It comes and goes!"
This confused me. I'm not sure what "it" is when he says "it comes and goes". What comes and goes? His pedophilia? Brief Psychotic Disorder is given when someone has a psychotic episode (meaning delusions, hallucinations, disorganized speech, and/or catatonic behavior) for no more than a month and then return to prior functioning. If you have more than one psychotic episode a different psychotic disorder diagnosis would be warranted.
“Think of all the lives you saved of people you worked to free from those concentration camps, all the families you reunited. You did the right thing."
But as a sniper, he didn't do any of these things.
What is the point of this whole conversation? I never quite grasped what the grandfather wanted or what his motivation was for coming to see Toby.
And then we had Thanksgiving. I found the conversation between Chuck and his mom interesting. I'm wondering why Chuck goes to the Academy and why his mom pays for it if she doesn't want him there. (Or else how does he pay for it?) The Thanksgiving bit was the most interesting part of the chapter, especially with the cliff hanger there at the end.
I found the Bailey/Coach scenes to be distracting in this chapter and I think you could combine this chapter with the one before it. Toby goes home with Chuck (for x reason). Then a good long scene of him getting to know the family. Then Thanksgiving when all of this stuff goes down. I think that would make things tighter, cleaner and easier to follow.
I'll leave things there for now, but please let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing, and I'll see you in the next chapter!
Points: 32055
Reviews: 1162
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