I hate the way you see me,
the way you don't care.
I hate when you come around
and pretend I'm not there.
I hate the way you stare at me
and the way you lead me on.
I'm dizzy because i hate it so much.
My poems are even long.
I hate that I'm never right,
I hate it when you try,
I hate it when you make me smile,
even more when you make me lie.
I hate it when you come around
and didn't even call.
But in the fact that we barely talk,
not a bit,
barely even close.
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140,390 Literary Works • 673,150 Reviews
Hi there, thosethatgotaway! Niteowl here to drop some frozen Fahrvergnugens on you for the Majestic Icicles this fine Review Day.
Now, as I'm reading this, I'm thinking this sounds a lot like the "10 Things I Hate About You" poem, which I've seen before even though I haven't seen the movie. And sure enough, it looks like I'm right.
Now, you did put your own spin on it, so it's okay, but I feel your take lacks a couple key elements of the original.
1) Imagery. There's some specific images in the original that give these often-written-about emotions a new life. The combat boots, the way you cut hair, him driving her car. It makes it all painfully obvious that she's talking about one person (even if she didn't stare at him and cry at the end...I did look up the clip). This piece feels more generic in comparison.
2) The contradiction. In the original, she goes on about all these things she hates about him, but in the end reveals that she doesn't hate him "...not even a little bit, not even at all." This piece seems to lack this contradiction, as the relationship progresses from distant to...distant.
For the imagery, it might be good to sprinkle in some similar quirks. What sights, sounds, smells come into play when you're with this person (I'm assuming this is based on personal experience--forgive me if I'm wrong)? In the structure of this poem, it doesn't have to be a lot or super-flowery, but little hints would draw the reader in more.
About the contradiction...that's trickier, but maybe, after presenting all the things that show he doesn't care, have him give you some sign of hope in the end? This would be cool because it would show how he's leading you on, as opposed to the reader being told that he's leading you on.
Just pointing this out because I think it's a neat idea. How does an unrequited love make you lie? This could be an idea worth exploring, possibly in a future poem.
Overall, this is an interesting derivation but it could be stronger with imagery and a clear contradiction. Keep writing!
Very emotional and yet so subtle. I liked the way the poem flowed right out of you, like a true narration of the heart. It was deep and short. Pretty, light, and has some kind of feeling to it. The way you describe the character as having a lot of conflict within herself is very, beautiful. I like it when poets really throw themselves into their work! Impressive indeed! I enjoyed ill give you that one! The only thing I would like to criticize is the choppy ending. It did not flow with the poem very well and I would consider fixing it!
Other than that great job!
Note: I am typing on an ipad so bear with me!
-Laina/cherrycanwrite160
Deeeeep! Such a deep poem. Hatred is a tough subject to base a poem off of isn't it? But, you pulled it off and passed with flying colors. Opposites, no polar opposites don't really attract now do they. Muhuhu! It IS just so lovely. THere's nothing wrong with this poem at all. I wish YWS has a favoriting system because this would definitely be on top of mine. Well done!!
~The dark one