I looked at myself in the mirror,
Only a ghost of myself appears.
I'm not who I once was,
I made some repairs.
It was like I wasn't even there,
Nobody noticed me anyways.
I try to get their attention,
Now almost every day.
My ghost haunts all it knows,
Everybody's memories.
No one knows I'm there,
But my ghost is stationary.
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sorry the first and last lines go with the verse below and above it. i have no idea why it seperated those lines from each other but it did
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139,365 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Hello!
As for the lines thing, it's just something that YWS does when you copy/paste stuff. The only way to fix it is to manually go in there and re-space everything. I usually just leave that first line floating. XD
Okay, so I think you had a great idea here, and it kind of got muddled. I love the first stanza. This person tried to fix who they were because they thought they weren't perfect, so they did "fix" themselves, and now they aren't like they used to be. So far from what they used to be in fact, that no one, not even themselves recongizes them.
There were a few awkward lines that I feel could be fixed.
Noticed. As in, in the past. Maybe you could clear it up and make it more apparent that this is the case. That they're doing it for attention. In the first two lines in this stanza, I read it as "I was never popular, no one noticed me." And then the next two lines I read as "Now everyone notices me." With that said, the word "try" throws me off. Maybe she's trying, but wasn't she trying before? I would say that she DOES in fact get their attention, unless of course her changing failed to get their attention. I also think that the word "now" in the last line of that stanza is kind of awkward. I would change the stanza to:
"...Nobody noticed me anyways,
but now I get their attention..."
or something similar, with out the now smack in the middle of the sentence.
I don't understand the first two lines of the third stanza at all, but I think they sound cool. ^_^ maybe you could change them to make them fit a little more with the theme of your poem? And the rest of your poem was easy to understand, so this metaphor/symbolism/poetic device or whatever you're doing here is kinda out of place, in my opinion.
I don't understand the last line completely either. how is your ghost stationary? At first, I thought you meant like, paper. Then I realized that you meant unmoving. I'm not quite sure how being stationary would be surprising when you know no one notices this person. Maybe just clear that up somehow?
The rest of this was great. I loved the theme and the tone and everything else! Great job, keep writing!
~fortis
Hi! Happy review day! I liked this poem overall. It's an original concept to write a poem from the perspective of a ghost, or perhaps someone who just feels invisible. I took it as the second, personally. I like the fact that it is fairly open to interpretation. This poem is really beautiful. you did change tenses throughout the course of the poem. A few of your rhymes are a bit of a stretch, but it still sounds nice. In this line: "Nobody noticed me anyways." "anyways" is not actually a word though this is a common mistake, it should be anyway.
All in all this was a really beautiful poem. I particularly enjoyed the first two lines.
Really well done!
-Ruby-
Hi Weather here with a review.
I liked the mood and atmosphere of this piece. It has an interesting vision and concept.
I have some suggestions to make which might help improve your poem further.
"I looked at myself in the mirror,
Only a ghost of myself appears.
I'm not who I once was,
I made some repairs."
Repeating "myself" in sentences so close together can be slightly awkward. This stanza, since its the first almost gave away too much too soon. I'd create more mystery first.
The connotation to, "repairs" sounds almost too mechanical for something quite as delicate as a ghost in my opinion.
"It was like I wasn't even there,
Nobody noticed me anyways.
I try to get their attention,
Now almost every day."
Here, this stanza was just too simply direct. It told instead of showed. Plenty of imagery could have been made here to create more emotion and effect. The imagery of invisible, unknown, unseen having no attention, there's a lot you could go into.
Overall a nice piece just elaborate on it more. Hope I helped.
--Weather
Hey! ajruby here.
Okay, so based off of some of the free verse poetry that I've seen, this is really honestly very good. There are just a couple things that I personally would change. (This is my opinion.)
1. The lines "My ghost haunts all it knows,
Everybody's memories." are a little rough. And also "everybody" might be better as "everyone". Just a suggestion.
2. I think that this particular verse could be expanded just a tad bit more. But I assuming that there are more verses to it, based on the comment you made.
So overall, I really like this! Keep up the good work!
-Lady Ariana