It occurred to me last night that the universe belongs to you,
You turn red roses crimson and venom sweet,
And there’s something you must understand,
I was miserable before you,
I bathed in my misery like hot honey,
But for you I felt something so clearly not misery it must’ve been love,
You made certain hours bearable,
Made bad days worth the while,
And I ask you if this is not love then what is love,
What is this that keeps winters warm,
What is this that steals my breath and rustles up a storm,
It is love,
Love without kiss or caress,
Love that unfurls in such a way,
That since I have not seen you I miss you all the time,
Since I have not seen you I dream you, and in my dreams, you drink the stars,
They drip from your lips like morning dew,
You look at me and smile,
You’ve ruptured the world,
I can smell its smoke, my dear you’ve ruptured the world,
It infests my dreams and leaves ashes on my pillowcase,
I carry it in my head and hair, this smoke,
This dream, this tragedy,
In my dreams, your chest contains a thousand hearts,
And you stomp to the beat of every one.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey! This the first poem of yours that I've read and I have to say I'm very impressed. This poem is really, really well-written and it's obvious that you have a talent. I hope though that I can help you improve it even more.
The first sentence of this poem immediately captures the readers. It's poetic and tugs at our heart strings. I usually don't like repetition unless it's sort of parallel structure repetition but the way you kept using the word 'misery' and 'love' didn't bother me at all (whereas I would normally be extremely bothered by this). Your flow and rhythm (I think that's the word I'm looking for) is impeccable. Every line of this poem hits you with a punch of emotion, that might I add, is extremely beautifully written. This poem is so romantic (although it was written for a friend) and the words and phrases you use kind of remind me of the way people speak in Victorian era movies like Pride and Prejudice or Becoming Jane.
I love this line so so so much!
The only thing I think I'd like you to improve on is the way you structure the poem. I can really see this poem benefitting from white space and also some stanzas. If you need any help with formatting on YWS (I know the coding is tricky) or if you want to try uploading poems as picture like many YWSers do (including me) I'd be happy to help you.
Also I think I'd like you to remove "this smoke" in this line or just correct your grammar.
[spoiler]It infests my dreams and leaves ashes on my pillowcase,
I carry it in my head and hair,
this smoke,[/i]I'd say, either cut out 'this smoke' or put a period or something after 'hair'. This imagery and idea of sleeping on ashes and carrying them in your head and hair is so beautiful and strong but the meaning gets a little confusing here when you suddenly write 'this smoke'.
Now that I mentioned grammar that makes me realize that I think your poem could use some help with grammar. There's a lot of commas. I think you could break things down into sentences so that the meaning of phrases is a little clearer.
Honestly I'm so glad I stumbled upon this and if you want me to review anything of yours in the future I'd be glad to! Also sorry this was mostly a praise review, haha, but I love finding gems on YWS and I'm glad I stumbled upon you!
marms
Thanks for sharing this very emotionally intense poem. Your use off metaphors ad other poetical devices is very effective. At first I thought that the poem is an expression of pure gratitude. But then I noticed how it introduced certain words and phrases that went against that idea. I finally concluded that the poem conveys two entirely different views.
One is of a person who is grateful for alleviated loneliness that another person never met personally brought about. A person who seemed to fill the universe via becoming essential to the speaker’s happiness.
The other view is one which hints strongly at a resentment and a discovery that this person was not what he or she was originally imagined to to have been.
The words and phrases hinting at this latter viewpoint are:
....this tragedy,
....you stomp to the beat of every one.
....You’ve ruptured the world,
Rupturing, stomping and tragedy aren’t exactly describing a pleasant outcome.
Punctuation suggestions
....belongs to you[.]
....venom sweet[.]
....before you[.]
....hot honey[.]
must’ve been love[.]
....hours bearable[.]
....worth the while[.]
....drink the stars[.]
....morning dew [.]
....look at me and smile[.]
....ruptured the world,[.]
....ruptured the world[.]
....on my pillowcase[.]
----
....then what is love [?]
....winters warm [?]
....up a storm[?]
It occurred to me last night that the universe belongs to you[.]
You turn red roses crimson and venom sweet[.]
And there’s something you must understand,
I was miserable before you[.]
I bathed in my misery like hot honey[.]
“Because of you....”
I greatly enjoyed reading this poem and am very impressed by your ability to describe feelings and your skill in using symbols. Keep up the good work.
Ah thank you for the review! I appreciate it sm!
Hello here, Londone here for a review on your piece.
Before I become all formal, let me gush over how awesomely rapturing this piece is. You just have me reeling over your delicate and precise use of words. Well done, extremely well done! I applaud you multiple times over.
The similies and metaphors you use are magnificent. I found myself taken away with every one. Your flow was marvelous and well carried out, and I was flying down the river of pleasure. Seeing good writers making good decisions makes me giddy.
I could find no mistakes with this poem at all, and that is extremely rare. I’m a nitpicker. I suppose I’m just too overwhelmed by this writing.
The message hidden behind it is quite interesting and somewhat unusual, or at least my interpretation of it. Behind a screen lays many things—and I believe you, or whoever this character may be, has found a very wonderful thing, and I’m very happy for either one.
I look intensely forward to seeing more!
Londone
Wow! Thank you so much! My cheeks hurt from smiling. I just screenshotted this comment to keep me motivated in my writing! You're a star tysm again!
You deserve it! Continue to shine, love!
OMG I RELATE TO THIS SO SO SO SO MUCH I AM NOT KIDDING! This person, is actually on YWS and its a long-distane relationship. I understand every word of this poem and it resonates between every one of the fibers on my body. I love it so so so much!
So, the meaning, I won't do since i k ow exactly what his is about. How a person behind a screen, you've fallen for them and you hope that they know this. They make things better for you.
I did not notice any grammar or spelling mistakes, so, good going on that! It flowed very, very well and as I said before I love this whole poem. One of my favorites on the site by far! I hope to see more by you! Happy review day from the Writing Wookies!
Thank you so much! It means so much <3
No problem!