Nuclear weapons. Nobody likes them. No one wants to be forced to handle one, but sometimes people aren't given a choice. So, they make one.
Dakota Ramirez was in the hangar, working on a jet. She was a base mechanic, but she knew how to fly too. She wasn't as useless as others might think. She was having a good day. Snow was on the ground, cold air was coming in through the open spaces. It was a comforting feeling.
After a moment of working, she stepped back. She had grease up and down her arms, but she still tucked a loose strand of hair from her face, then she tightened her ponytail. She straightened her white tank when she heard shouting behind her.
She turned around, lifting her goggles off her face to look at the door. Dakota froze. Carmon? The lieutenant? What was the lieutenant doing here? She has no business here, and from the looks of it, Carmon was being as cold as always, staring down the recruit before her. Their eyes meet briefly and Dakota looks away quickly.
Boots thudding on the ground get louder until Carmon is standing right in front of Dakota. Her icy blue eyes were cold. Dakota hesitantly meets her gaze. She's awfully close and she has to lean back and look up to be more comfortable.
"Sergeant." The lieutenant's raspy voice says.
Dakota hesitates before saying, "Yes, Lt.?"
Silence follows. Dakota feels like Carmon is staring into her soul, but she also notices how her black hair and pale skin looks against the wintry scenery. Pretty. She quickly removes the thought from her mind. Carmon scoffs lightly.
"The Colonel wishes to see you." She says bitterly. Dakota shifts.
"What? I- no-" Carmon cuts her off.
"Sorry, Sarge, but no isn't an answer." She says a little more aggressively, leaning in.
"By what means?" Dakota asks.
"Mine." Carmon says back, her voice colder and her eyes narrowing. She's not playing. Carmon will use brutal force if she has to. She's done so before.
Hesitantly, Dakota nods. They make their way towards the exit, Carmon right behind Dakota. She escorts Dakota to a more secluded part of the base. One that she's unfamiliar with. It wasn't until Carmon placed a heavy hand on Dakota's shoulder that she snapped out of her thoughts and looked around.
"Through there, Sergeant." The lieutenant directs, pointing at a door in front of them.
She nods, stepping away from Carmon's grip, her hand finding the nob and twisting. She pushes the door open, entering the room. The colonel sits at her desk, her curly hair tied back into a poor, messy bun. She has skin just a few tones darker than Dakota's, and her hair is also darker significantly. Her eyes find the plaque on her desk that reads 'Colonel Khailen Caesar'.
She stops soon enough, staring at the colonel. She doesn't know what to say, nor where to start. She had so many questions that she couldn't ask. A mix of fear, anxiety and curiosity fill her mind and soul. It's exhilarating. The colonel never calls anyone to her office, let alone send the lieutenant to retrieve an individual.
Dakota's eyes finally find Khailen's, and the colonel puts her pen down. She folds her hands in front of her, resting them on her desk. It feels like she's examining Dakota. It's a new kind of feeling. A new rush of adrenaline that she's unfamiliar with.
"Ramirez." Khailen says. Her voice is softer than Carmon's, but it's stern.
"Ma'am." Dakota replies, snapping instantly to attention.
"Relax, sarge," she says, smiling. "Have a seat, yeah?"
Dakota nods, shifting to sit in one of the plush seats in front of her. "You called, Colonel." She says.
"Yes, I know what I did." Khailen responds, turning slightly, grabbing a paper. She pushes it forward. "Do you think you can do this for me?" This woman likes to get straight to the point.
They stare at each other for a moment before Dakota hesitantly leans forward, reaching for the paper. She lifts and looks. Her expression shifts.
"This is…" She doesn't finish her sentence. Khailen does.
"A bomb."
Dakota shakes her head, slamming the paper down. "No… No! I'm not making a nuclear bomb for you!" She shouts, her Mexican accent starts sticking out.
"I'm afraid you don't have a choice." Khailen says, her voice shifting again and her expression becomes serious.
"No one will live." Dakota retorts.
"I know." Khailen replies.
"Why?" The sergeant asks.
"That's none of your business," Khailen says harshly. "Your job is to make the weapon and then deliver it. Nothing else."
There's a pause. Dakota's trying. She is, but it's not working. There is nothing she can do. Hesitantly, she sighs. She reaches out, taking the paper and fully examining it.
"Where to?" She asks.
"Russia." Khailen answers.
Another blank pause. Dakota brings her eyes up to meet Khailen's green ones. She makes the decision she never wanted to make. She starts to speak, her tone stiff.
"If I do this…"
No more games.
If she has no choice…
"Then hell's coming with me 'til all the leaves turn grey."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,759 Reviews
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the jinxed S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - Sergeant Dakota Ramirez is tasked by Colonel Khailen Caesar to build a nuclear bomb that will be sent to Russia. Nuclear bombs are different from regular bombs because they are more fatal, which is why Dakota is reluctant to carry out the orders, but it doesn’t seem she has much of a choice here.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I think that “icy” was enough to describe Carmon’s eyes as being cold and then instead of cold the word could be “knife-sharp” or something like that. But if you want to keep it as is then you may ignore this.
Chocolate Bar - Dakota’s internal conflict with wanting to carry out Khailen’s orders and the orders in question going against what she believes in was described well. Her terror in the act of creating a bomb is shown in what she says and how she thinks. Dakota knows that once she creates the bomb, she and the rest of her army may be viewed as monsters. She’s doing what she is told is good by her Colonel, but still, it bites at her conscious. She won’t be able to sleep easy at night, much like Carmon and Khailen. But how will she take it?
Closing Graham Cracker - Another story of how sometimes, doing what can be good isn’t something that makes people feel good. It’s all about doing what is right, not doing what is nice. Then again, the choice of right and wrong seems to blur with this army. In the end, they are all just fighting to survive and save their conscious. I worry for Dakota and what will happen to her once the bomb is made, but I will have to find out in the next story.
I wish you a stupendous day/night! ^v^
I thank you so much for writing this. Dakota's demeanor is usually bubbly and chaotic. That's just how her character is portrayed in other flash fictions I have. More about her is to come in the next short story.
I do agree, that I could've described Carmons cold glare better, and I like your idea that you threw out. I'll be sure to watch my wording better in the future!
Fortunately, the Delta Unit is getting a small break from the trauma. I have another short story in the making where all of these character (plus a few extra) will be joining together in the present for a holiday get-up, before jumping back into their story. I can't wait to get it out to you all, honestly. This is probably the first major teaser I'm putting out about this story
Can't wait for more constructive criticism from you though! I love how deep you delve into these!
~Taost<3
I%u2019m glad you find help in my reviews. I enjoy reading these stories and learning more about the characters in them. ^v^
I%u2019m also glad they%u2019re going to have a nice holiday get together, that makes me excited for them! ^v^
I just finished reading this short story. I think you did a really good job, it was so good I was sad it wasn't longer. I have a few small suggestions and some compliments.
-As someone who knows about military dress code, the hair shouldn't be messy, it should be either slicked back, or in a neat bun.
-I would like your intro sentence to be a little more... mysterious or reveal less. For example somthing like if you just skipped to the part about Dakota remirez and didn't talk about nuclear weapons, so when you did it was more of a surprise.
-One last thing is that usually in the military, everyone is refered to by their last name, not their first name unless they are friends or something.
You did a great job writing Dakota as not too perfect or annoying so she seems like a far more compelling character.
Sorry if that was too harsh.
No, it wasn't at all! I highly appreciate the feedback! The reason why the Colonel was described as "messy" was because it was meant to show stress or rush. The colonel was hurried and stressed, causing her not to bother with her hair.
I also try to have others addressed by last name, but I tend to find myself having them addressing Each other by rank, I know it's wrong, but in my mind, it feels more like an acknowledgement. My brother (who is currently serving) has been trying to help me write these! But I highly appreciate you mentioning it! It's the main reason why Dakota doesn't acknowledge Carmon as "Carmon" but "Lt" or "Lieutenant".
I do agree that my intro could be a little more discreet, this story was just a tad rushed.
I thank you so much for giving advice and more context on how things in the military work, after all, I'm no expert on it, and I'm honestly trying!
Thank you, so so much!
~Taost
That makes sense.
This is interesting! The atmosphere is there, the characters are compelling, and the stakes? Huge. That is always a great start to a story.
Carmon’s introduction hits hard. There’s something magnetic about her rigid demeanor and the way she commands attention. The dynamic between her and Dakota carries tension, but it feels like it’s leaning on trope-heavy shorthand, though. “Icy blue eyes,” “cold voice,” and “leaning in” all point toward Carmon’s power, but they don’t tell us why Dakota seems so rattled by her. Is it pure authority, or is there history between them? Right now, Carmon feels one-dimensional.
The moral dilemma is fascinating too! Dakota’s refusal is passionate, and her accent slipping out is a fantastic touch by the way. I think her shift to compliance happens too fast on the other hand. She goes from shouting “No!” to this resigned acceptance in a heartbeat. Let the struggle breathe. Show us what breaks her resolve. She has proven herself as a strong character, so I imagine it would take a lot to truly break her spirit. It doesn't come off as immersive, just plot-convenient.
This story feels like such a high-stakes drama. But still, at times, it feels like it’s sprinting when it should be pacing itself. Outside of the pacing, this is a very gripping story when it comes to action and the plot. Let it grow!
All the best!
Thank you for reading! While it is true, the story itself was a tad rushed. I wanted to get it out and most of my stories rely on the mystery of decisions. If you wanted to know more about why Carmon is the way she is, my short story "Keeping Distance" dives deep into her character arc. She's mostly made to be this feared figure who demands respect, but she holds trauma. Her demeanor just scares people into behaving. There is more to see about Dakota, but sadly, Carmon and her don't have much history. Dakota has only ever really heard of Carmon, she's never directly interacted with the lieutenant before. Anyways, I have a short story in the making, where all of these characters will be shown in the present!
Happy reading! Thank you for writing this, it helps alot!
~Taost
I haven’t been on this site or written a review in a long while, but this is definitely a pleasant first read for coming back. Not that nuclear bombs are pleasant, just a good story.
Immediately as I started reading, I was immersed in Dakota and her movements, which continued on for the rest of the story because I could very easily imagine it as if it were a movie. That may just be me, but I don’t really read books, I mostly watch movies, so I end up writing as if I am writing a scene in a movie, and I really liked how easily I could imagine it with your style of writing. This probably wasn’t the intention but it’s just something that I personally like. I could also see this in the opening paragraph, (which I really liked because it established the tone, foreshadowed the premise and added some mystery for the audience) as it could be seen as an opening narration to a movie.
That’s just the writing style, though. The story itself was very engaging; it made me want to know what was going to happen next, and it didn’t drag on too long with anything that wasn’t too significant to the plot. The descriptions, though limited, still allowed me to get a good idea of what was going on and how the characters looked. Each character feels unique but also like they obviously fit that situation. I know that I often get too hung up on descriptions of things that don’t really matter, so I commend you for writing both efficiently and immersively.
I also really like how the last lines of dialogue are all broken up, and you do this in some of your other stories too, so keep doing that, it’s cool and unique.
The only thing I would dare to say I would do differently is add something to give the audience some insight into Dakota’s thought process when she is told she has to make the bomb. It’s clearly not how you write, and maybe you were or are planning to add more in the future in another story or something, but I personally feel it would be interesting to know more about her thought process.
All together this was a fun read. I hope you get something or anything at all out of this review and keep writing because you’re clearly good at it.
I appreciate this so much. I'm glad you noticed, because it actually is my intention. When I write, I like to imagine how the characters look in my mind, how they interact. I like the fluid motion of it all. Most of my characters, much like Carmon, do have a backstory or character arc in the making, but I'm currently trying to finish throwing out my other important characters before I throw their character arcs out. The writings of the character arcs definitely do go more into depth on how the character thinks and what made them how they are. I will continue to write away. I don't post many of my stories on here because of the points system, but they all do go to my substack, The Taosted Writings, first. If you want the link, I'll gladly drop it to you! I mainly post on here because people actually read my work and give me genuine reviews and criticism.
Anyways, thank you for reading and writing this out! I highly appreciate it! I assure you, more is on its way!
~Taost
I am aware of the grammar mistakes and how repetitive it can be with the descriptions. I'm a bit tired and my focus hasn't been steady. I apologize. Please ignore these factors, as I am aware of their existence. Any other advice on either how to fix it, or other advice on separate matters is highly appreciated! Thank you, my crumbs!
~Taost
I fixed them! No more problems hopefully!