Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
Think.
Search.
Fight.
For Khailen Caesar, that's what her thoughts consisted of. She didn't care about herself, she only cared about those on her team. Those who were under her control. She didn't need a reason. She just wanted the job to be done and done right. There is no hesitation in battle. That's what she always said.
Under pressure, she was logical. She had everything in place. She had a plan. She always did. She just wished she didn't have to be logical now. She doesn't want to be, but she can't just walk out of the room. That's low . . . even for a Colonel.
She had watched it happen, how the unit she sent out was bombed and raided. It's not how she planned for things to go. This was meant to be a stealth mission. She had been leading them through their comms from HQ. Yet, somehow, the weight is falling on her shoulders and it hurts. This shouldn't hurt, but it does because this was her idea. She proposed the mission. Now she can't help but blame herself.
The world seems to slow, just for a moment. She wants to think there was a mole in her unit, but the more she considers it, it doesn't seem right. There had to have been a flaw. She must've missed a detail, something. What didn't she see? What wasn't considered? She stands for a moment, her hand hovering over the earpiece that's wrapped around her lobe. Then she moves.
She yanks the wire off, throwing it down. She goes to the nearest desk, slamming her hands down, startling the person sitting in front of her. She speaks, her voice cold and stern.
"Get the files out." She demands.
"Wha-" The person starts.
"The files. Mission plans. The maps. All of it. Get. It. Out!" She repeats, shoving the desk back and storming towards the door. "I want it all in my office by 1400!"
A brief "Yes, Ma'am" followed before she walked out and slammed the door shut. She was upset. Anyone could see it. Her hands were shaking and she was stressed. She never makes mistakes. She can't. Not again. She's meant to be the perfect Colonel. That's what her role is. Right? Right.
She eventually enters her office, slamming that door shut too. She locks it. She storms over to her desk, swiping her arms across it. Everything falls. A picture frame breaks. Khailen stares at it for a moment. Hesitantly, she takes a deep breath and she sits down onto her knees.
"Calm…" She mutters to herself. "You're being dramatic."
Khailen shifts her hands out, picking up the shards of glass. Her thoughts run and spiral out. She could've done something different, but what? Her plans had always worked. Always been perfect. She was always perfect.
Presentable.
Cautious.
Reliable.
'Yeah,' she thinks to herself, 'not anymore.' Who is she if her subordinates can't trust her? A nobody. Khailen is a nobody. She stands, glass in hand and she dumps it into her trash bin. Leaning over her desk, she groans.
"What happened?" She mumbles. Her head is pounding. Khailen is over thinking.
The knock on her door startles her, and she flinches. She looks back at the door before walking over. She unlocks it and pulls it open, finding herself to be faced with the soldier she sent for the files.
"Ma'am." The soldier says.
"Private." Khailen responds. She takes the files, glancing at the manila folders. She glances back up. "Dismissed."
The private nods and leaves. She closes the door again. She makes her way to her desk, setting down the files before scanning through the first one. Something had to have been written wrong. Something has to be missing, but nothing is.
After three hours of consistent reading and analysis, she shoves the papers away. Nothing. She had it all right, but how did the enemy know where they were headed? What they were doing? How? She has no idea.
"What kind of fucking information was leaked!" Khailen shouts.
She's regretting it now. Sending out the unit, coming up with the mission, just… everything. She's regretting everything.
Until…
She sees…
The…
Reaching out, she lifts a paper up. Plans? For what? She flips the paper over, examining it. Almost instantly, a light bulb lights up in her head. No.. She can't… It's not..
She can. She will. After all, revenge is a dish best served cold.
Khailen looks up, her eyes locking on her door. She hesitantly reaches for the radio hooked
to her shoulder. Pressing a button, she leans her head over, eyes back on the paper, voice silent.
"Lieutenant…" She mutters.
"Send for Ramirez."
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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140,258 Literary Works • 673,077 Reviews
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the wild S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - Khailen Caesar is the most trusted Captain of her team, but when she sends them out on a mission she spent a long time planning and finds out that they died, she feels terrible about it. That is, until she finds plans that will call for something drastic in order to defeat the enemies.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - There’s a space between “hooked” and “to”, but if that was intended, then you can ignore this.
Chocolate Bar - The way Khailen starts to question herself is something that I enjoyed reading, because I could feel her worry and panic creeping all around her and I could understand it. I think my favorite parts were when Khailen looked back at the papers to check to see if she had made any mistakes and at the end, when she decides to send out Ramirez. Whatever she plans to do, it must be vicious.
Closing Graham Cracker - Khailen feels as though she had failed her mission, but there is a solution! She will hopefully be able to fix things with Ramirez and stop the enemies from carrying out more of their plans. Her guilt weighs down deeply within her, but perhaps all can be salvaged. I will have to wait and see what happens next in the other short stories…
I wish you a spectacular day/night! ^v^
I have to admit, the space between "hooked" and "to" was not intended, that's where the page broke on my Google docs when writing and editing this lol
Thank you for reading!
~Taost <3
You%u2019re welcome!
Hello, My Friend!
Pleasure to meet you! My name is Raven, and I’d like to review your story using my personal review style, the Familiar method! It’s based on my own story, so apologies if the references don’t make much sense, heh. Let’s dive right in, shall we?
~ A full analysis and breakdown
What a fascinating piece! A brief glimpse into the high-cost, intense job of a jaded Colonel. There were some great moments here and clever tricks in terms of formatting that I really enjoyed! Let's get into the details though.
Plot and Pacing: Pretty good! I love how you captured this intense moment, and the detail behind Colonel Khailen's thoughts. It feels like the introduction, or even the climax, of a bigger story. And when I say that, I have to admit that I think of it in both a good and *slightly* critical way. It's good because it gets readers thinking about the significance of this specific moment, and stir an interest in other works from the author. And I get that sense here!
But in this specific case, it felt a teeny bit...unfinished. Maybe if we got a little more detail in the beginning about some key players in the Colonel's unit, like this Ramirez, the Lieutenant, and maybe a couple of other crucial people. That way you could amp up the mystery aspect, since we get some suspects and time to ponder about who the mole could be--if there is one.
The pacing was very good though--you kept a consistent tone of urgency and frustration all throughout, which made it easy to empathize with Khailen and kept the desire to move forward. With every sentence, you can feel the pressure building up and pushing you to read more, and that's awesome!
Descriptions and Setting: A little bit lacking I'll admit. But in fairness, it is a short story focused on a very specific moment, and it's told from the perspective of a hyperfocused, irate Colonel. Maybe injecting a few key descriptors or sensory notes here and there would help, but that's minor.
Action: Awesome! You did a very good job describing body language, and capturing the mood with actions, like when she swipes everything off the desk.
Characterization: Very good! You told us a lot about Khailen through this piece; the "perfect" Colonel. It feels like she's highly devoted to her work, and she displays a lot of characteristics that make her an intriguing character to think about. Like, it feels as if there could be a tinge of arrogance in her nature, but with whole unit of lives on the line, who wouldn't be at least a little concerned about being at the top of the line right?
Grammar and Wording: Good! I did notice that there were some little potential quirks in terms of past vs present tense here and there, but I didn't catch any direct grammar/spelling errors. So, good job there!
~ Some nitpicks and little recommendations
Not much to put here at all! Let’s break it down…
I feel like the description here would've been stronger if you had been a little more specific on the second part instead of using the term "she was stressed." For example, "Her hands were shaking and she had broken into a cold sweat" or "Her hands were shaking and her teeth were gritting."
That’s all! Great writing job ~
~ My reactions, theories, and favorite parts
Ooo, we got plenty of little gems in this piece! But narrowing them down...
I love how you detail Khailen's inner dialogue. It feels like you really get an inside look at her struggle, and the conflicting thoughts/emotions that would undoubtedly stir from this tense moment. You have a clear talent for fleshing out characters!
The other thing is that I love the formatting you chose, with moments like this:
*okay so the spacing didn't transfer to the quote box well but you get the idea I hope XD
It felt unique, and somewhat reminiscent of a structured poem, which I very much enjoyed. That sense of structure not only fit a soldier-type character so well, but it put so much emphasis on the moment. On Khailen's no-nonsense attitude, desire for perfection, and the pending rage in that last one when she connects the dots. Super cool!
MadThoughts...Overall, though it does feel like this could have been fleshed out a little more, it was a very cool short story with a bada** character, and I really enjoyed it! And it definitely makes me hope to read more from you! Nicely done!
"They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night."
"Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality.”
"I would define, in brief, the poetry of words as the rhythmical creation of Beauty."
I love this. The way you dissected the story. And the way you review is so spot on! While, yes, I know I have plenty of room to improve my writing, my short stories are meant to hold that empty feeling. That's why a big majority of my short stories string along and connect. I specifically loved the Nitpicking part of this. It was clear on what you were intending, and you definitely didn't tiptoe around the topic. I love that. Constructive criticism for the win!
Anyways, thank you so much for reading! This is highly appreciated and I love how thorough!
Thank you, thank you!
~Taost<3
Ooo, that's good to know about your short stories! You have piqued my curiosity lol.
And no problem, I'm very glad you like the review!!
This is amazing. I enjoyed reading it, and you have me on the edge of my seat! I like the name Khailen, it is very unique, and I don't think I have heard of it before. You have certainly captured my attention, and I plan on reading everything you come up with in the future.
I would like to point out something that I have recently learned how to do, a tip per se. When quoting what the characters are saying, you want to use the right punctuation before and/or after the quote. I'll show you what I mean to make it easier to understand.
You want to use commas after referencing that the character is going to say something. Or after the character has said something.
Example;
Incorrect: "The fox jumps over the lazy dog." He said. The period comes at the end of the quotations, adding a comma ties it together nicely.
Correct: "The fox jumps over the lazy dog," he said. The comma stays in the quotation after the sentence, and it keeps things going smoother.
Example;
Incorrect: And then he said. "The fox jumps over the lazy dog." A period before the quote is not necessarily wrong, but adding a comma makes it more connected.
Correct: And then he said, "The fox jumps over the lazy dog." The comma comes before, rather than using a period.
Exclamation points and question marks are exempt from these rules because they aren't commas or periods.
I figured this out after reading many books and paying attention to the detail in punctuation. It makes all the difference. I myself am still practicing with it, but I thought it would be a good tip to point out. All in all, I really enjoyed myself reading this and I look forward to seeing more!
Thank for that tip! I've been very skeptical with my punctuation, my friend does tell me to trust the comma's more. I'll use this to my benefit, thank you!
You are welcome! I'm glad we could both help each other out today, you have no idea how much your tip earlier helped me out, and I appreciated it a lot! I'm also glad I could help you out too. It's a win-win.
Absolutely! I have a good feeling we'll be good friends. You have no idea how much I've been needing a writing friend.
I look forward to it!