Thoughts.
Thoughts of my memories went crashing down like kaleidoscope of lights blinding my very eyes from every direction. It was all longing and hatred that bombarded my mind these past few years, sunken like sharp teeth into the veins of my heart. Every detail of him haunted me continuously during my loness time, giving me the regret that I should not have given him up. But, I already have. I had too. And it was the biggest mistake I ever done in my life.
It was two years since I last saw him. Two damn years, but it seemed like these wounds felt like it just happened a few days ago. I've gone berserk, totally drift off from the person I was back then. I was nothing but a stranger to my own world, someone who was completely helpless. I thought dramatic movies was just full of exaggeration and shit, yet apparently life gave me the taste of my own irony. After a number months of letting go, he immediately found someone. I, on the other hand, was trapped gazing at their perfectly-like coupled picture on my enormous laptop screen which by any minute would have been thrown across the wall.
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140,236 Literary Works • 673,049 Reviews
hey thestraycat!
To begin with nice comparison. Ok , i should say you have spoken the truth. If you are writing this as an experience or something people go through. I think you have done good. In my opinion the length , doesn't matter but your contents do. Maybe you should try closing it up. Giving it a proper ending.
thank you ,
needforspeed0313
Thamks guys for the advice
Hello there! Writervid here to review!
Okay, so the first thing I would like to do is talk to you about, not tour piece, but the meaning of a prologue. A prologue is supposed to do a few things, usually: set the tone, get into a different character's head than your MC, or get into a different time than your MC's. Here's a link on prologues: http://www.dailywritingtips.com/3-reaso ... -prologue/
I'm not sure this piece does that.
I know I haven't read your book, so this may just be me and my ignorance. But I do think that this piece is merely imagery and foreshadowing with a dash of backstory. That doesn't make it bad, necessarily, not at all. It just means that it's not necessarily meant to be a prologue.
I'm sorry for my harshness and bluntness, it can get in the way sometimes. But anyways, let's continue.
I do agree with most of the previous reviewer's comments on grammar and the like. Since they already delved into that I won't go into that myself.
You have great style, you really do, and pretty much every sentence you have sets up imagery or gives it. That's beautifully done, and I'd like to commend you on your skill.
Overall, well done. I enjoyed reading/reviewing this work. Have a nice day/night and keep on writing!
This is Kaos here for a review!
I didn't really know what this classified as, but I guess that's why it's "Other". I'm going to just take it as it is. This is something that I think could turn into a prose poem if you wanted to name it that because that's what it felt like to me. Onto that, if this was a short story or something of that sort like a flash fiction, I would call this rambling. There are only two paragraphs here so I suggest breaking them up because they don't all contain the same thought and idea and that two large blocks of text is a bad idea. If you want a before and after affect or a part one and two affect, call it that before the paragraph starts. It would also be a good idea to leave something in-between the two of the paragraphs, something to transition the thought.
I like the broken relationship shown in this poem but the thoughts are a mess here in this piece. They all mesh into each other and I think some individuality between them would be a good idea. The examples that you give and the things that you describe are good, but the reader wants more of this than what's just here. Give us imagery in this piece, because I think it would definitely be a strength if you had more of that. Use similes and metaphors and build descriptions off of them.
Use sensory details of how the relationship was before the break-up happened. The emotional impact here that you give off with how genuine the piece is, is probably the strength of it. Now tie that to imagery. The weight behind your words is something to admire and I think the down-to-earth tone of it only adds to this. It feels broken. Define what you mean better with metaphors that describe how it felt and the certain details that are remembered. Burn and use the ashes of this piece, arrange them to make something even more beautiful.
I hope I helped and have a great day!
Heya, Thestraycat! Casanova here to do a sjort review!
Anyway, as an essay/article this seems rather lacking. Normally an essay is a bit longer, and an article would contain more than just one persons side.
Now, this doesn't seem like an essay. This seems more like the a beginning of a novel, and it seems like a prologue at that. I would suggest adding on to it, and continuing the story. That would help it a lot. The other thing would be revising what you have, this just seems a bit dull.
Anyway, that's all I /can/ say about this one, and I hope I helped even a bit.
Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.
Sincerely, Cas
Hi!
You need to slow down and follow your breathing pattern while writing because whooooooo there are plenty of times in this where the sentences need soft and hard stops--otherwise the reader will go blue in the face. You're heavily oversaturated with description and adjective-heavy detail for little reason, I feel, and for this I suggest cutting down.
As for the content, you go heavy into your obsession over this guy but give us little reason to care for how much the narrator cares for him! I want to care! But just being told "I'm a stranger in my own world" and all the breakup nega-platitudes don't give us cause to care, and that's a shame.
Give this piece some tender love and care. It deserves it. And from what you've presented here, I know you can turn it into something fabulous!
Ty
Just gonna jump straight into the review, if you don't mind. There's not much to say because this is a short piece, and it's a very well-written one at that. So, to start from the beginning of the work...
"Thoughts of my memories" is redundant, because memories are actually thoughts. Maybe cut out the thoughts and start with memories, instead? Like, maybe start with...
Memories.
My memories went crashing down like a kaleidoscope... (etc.)
Obviously your choice though. The second sentence is quite long to say in one breath as well, so some kind of change there might be in order.
I'm guessing "loness" is "loneliest"? Either way, you might want to proofread a bit more - there are a few noticeable grammar mistakes here and there. I could give you a list of corrections if you want - there's quite a few that hinder the readers' enjoyment of an otherwise fantastic work. Just ask and I'll put the corrections in another comment or something.
"seemed like" and "felt like" is redundant; choose one or the other, but not both.
The use of the "shit" is quite jarring here, since everything else seems so eloquent and put together. Maybe you wanted to use "shit" to indicate the narrator is angry, but here it just doesn't do much since you're still using flowery imagery right after. I don't know what you were going for so I can't say much more, unfortunately.
Anyway, other than those nitpicks, I love your prose and imagery. This work is incredibly well written and I can tell there's been a lot of work put into this. I look forward to seeing the rest of the novel, if you ever put it on here - this is a great start.
Good luck, and thank you for the great read!
Hi Bubbles! Thanks for the review. Its just a random thought that I brought into piece.
i love the way you did your introduction captures the readers eyes and mind. The story takes the reader along on how the writer feels giving a sync motion between the two. A little suspense will be great and not making it sound cliche like some of the novels. But otherwise its a good piece
Thank you for reading. I would make some editing. It is my first time to write a novel so I am bit dodgy on writing the parts of it. Right now, I'll just make some plotting to refine the story. Thanks a lot.
I liked this very much. Some of the lines were really beautiful and relatable. There are a LOT of grammar mistakes though, that made reading this not as enrapturing as it could have been. You are a great writer though. I hope to read more works like this.
Sorry for the grammar mistakes, I would totally work on it and keep on writing. %uD83D%uDE0A
Nice job! Very hooking. I really enjoy the simile you used "It was all the longing and hatred that bombarded my mind these past few years, sunken like sharp teeth into the veins of my heart." It makes it very vivid. I would suggest that you substitute "I had too" with 'I was forced too,' or 'I had no choice.' I think it would make it flow more smoothly. Keep on writing!
Aargh! Sorry, I didn't mean to post that twice!
Thanks for the comment. I would make some changes and correction on the grammar. It was random thoughts and I am amazed on how you appreciated my work.