I suck at poetry and passing a message through it. I gave up on that a long time ago, and I'm aware this is not better, but I still wanted to post it for some reason... The flow is horrible and I'm missing something. If you guys could help me?
PS: It wasn't meant to rhyme... So if it does and it confuses you, I'm sorry.
Your presence comforting,
Constantly there beside me.
Providing me air,
When I felt breathless
Lending me your strength,
While I was collapsing.
Your heartbeat mimicked mine,
Pounding in harmony,
A hard and attractive sound.
I never thought about it,
Out of sight, out of mind.
You always were a part of me.
I told you everything,
A problem messing with my head,
A decision puncturing my heart.
I needed to scream at somebody,
Find a source to all my despair,
And you were there.
You were going to give up,
Burst after a struggle,
After one last accusation.
We all knew it.
Waiting for the instant,
When it would all be too much.
You let it all go,
Left me fending for myself.
But how could I do so,
You were gone,
Without even a goodbye.
I expected it.
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140,597 Literary Works • 673,547 Reviews
Hi! Here is the review that you requested!
There is a lot of emotion in this poem. You clearly conveyed the image of a relationship that spirals out of control. I get the impression that the relationship ended quickly due to the strain on it, and it was not surprising.
Reading through the other reviews you got from the original version of the poem, I like the edits you made. They have really improved the poem as a whole.
I love how powerful the first two stanzas are. They start the poem off well.
I think adding in the third stanza was a good idea. It definitely bridges the gap between the 'good' and the 'bad' part of the relationship.
However, these lines don't seem to make much sense. It could be just me, but maybe a change in wording might help.
This poem felt like several smaller poems combined. It was a bit confusing at times, but life is confusing, and poems are very personal. Keep working on this; it has come a long way, and has a lot of potential. Good job!
-Alz
You convey your message fine. The flaw is in how you execute your message.
Seems like this is the type of poem you'd keep to yourself in the quiet and perhaps read over when the time for reflection came upon you. It isn't inclusive of basic poetic components, and so I won't call this a poem. It's more rhythmic text. The way you've begun on the core concept makes the foundation weak.
I get the feeling you didn't think about this first line when you wrote it. 'You appeared right by my side' - in the concluding paragraph, the implication is there that whoever the 'he' is, is gone. If perhaps this 'he' returns every once in a while, reminiscent of a guardian angel of sorts, then perhaps you'd need to rethink the poem about how the narrator, or you, would feel abut it. Because the likelihood of the average person feeling miserable over that situation is nil. I don't think that's the case however, but I said it anyway just in case. I think you meant that while the 'he' was around, he did that which you listed in the first stanza.
This topic is trite. It's been done many a time before, partially because it's an event that occurs a lot throughout existence itself. To make it effect the reader, you need to implant within it an ingredient on uniqueness that is going to make the reader want to see what else you have to say, something that is going to make your reader get hit in the gut as the final line ends. Everyone is subjective. Each thought process belonging to one particular human is unique to them. You need to show this unique aspect. The narrator, what certain things do they remember about the 'he'? Did he touch his index finger to his thumb when when in a state of relaxation? Was one half of his lip bigger than the other? Not only do you need to list small quirks like these, but you need to expand upon them so that they're journeys in a portal world. Lead the audience through it.
Rhythm, I think you have a good grasp on it but the reason it's lacking in this poem is because you tend to make each line of a stanza one single idea in itself. A stanza is a handful of lines dedicated to a concept within a larger concept. When you begin breaking that concept down further, disjointedness occurs. Experiment with enjambment, or if you're not comfortable with that, work with a set metre of your choice. It'll force rhythm, and you likely won't get your desired results the first time around but you'll learn to contain the rhythm as well as what it's skipping along. When you're comfortable with that, go back to free verse.
There are lines that have a lot of potential.
I'd a friend who once said that he was angry at his mother for dying when he was fifteen. An original take on emotion. This is what I see here.
Hopeless insertion. This as well as the former line I referenced could be expanded upon into their own poem.
Hope I helped somewhat.
Hey there.
I'm going to make a guess and say that this poem is about a strained relationship that finally came to an end? That was the impression I got after reading it twice. I didn't really understand what was going on the first time I read it.
This seems like a good thing. As in, the relationship was going well. But then the next two stanzas went:
I think the change in the relationship is too sudden. From 'good' in the first two stanzas, to 'bad' in the next two.
Perhaps it's this part that's causing that 'missing something':
Maybe you could add a stanza in between these two? It might help.
With a little polishing up, this poem would be pretty good. Amie has already gone through the two points I wanted to bring up, so I'll just leave this as it is.
Seeya 'round. Keep writing!
Hey, Amie here to review
I think this is a nice poignant poem but I think you could make it even more so maybe if you extended it a little, giving just a tad more information on what leads to him leaving. I sort of feel like one minute everything's okay, then you know he's leaving, then he leaves and I don't know any of the reasoning behind it, just that everyone expected it. Was it something he said or did, a look in his eyes, a void in his words? It's lacking information that I'd like to know because I want to understand, I want to feel a tinge of the sadness that your MC does when he leaves and at the moment I don't.
You should definitely expand on this, give it more depth and highlight the MCs emotions. You have the beginnings of something really great here
-Amie